Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during... - FML

By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

British Broadcasting Corporation

Abuse

By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML

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By Lvdkinda - 18/6/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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By sosad - 9/3/2011 22:08

Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML

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By GuessImWalking - 13/5/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

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By lovedoesnotexist - 24/9/2015 11:52 - Belgium

Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML

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By Nekro_Kat - 10/8/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By some things never change - 28/11/2012 23:04 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

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By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Itchy Missy - 10/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By Susan - 18/3/2013 08:59 - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By Boyufd - 22/4/2020 23:00

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By youngblood - 20/6/2011 01:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. His reason was because he's moving away for college. That won't be for another year. FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 16:14 - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By notsolucky - 12/2/2011 15:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 11:11am. I was happy because I thought it was a sign that it was going to be a good day. I then realized that I was over an hour late for a job interview. FML

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By Ido - 14/6/2016 00:51 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - 27/5/2014 11:15 - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By - 2/10/2018 03:00

Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 18:00

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 02:00 - South Africa

Reasonable dude

Today, my fiancé told me that he expects me to agree to quit my job to cook and clean after we get married, or he will not show up at our wedding. He earns minimum wage and my salary is 17 times higher than his. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 17:00

Fish and chips is life

Today, my husband had his hands full with the shopping, so I was carrying the baby and the bag with our takeaway in it. I tripped down the steps and fell over. Did my husband ask if I or the baby were OK? Nope. But he did ask if I’d squashed his fish and chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 19:19 - Botswana - Francistown

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

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By Username - 4/10/2010 05:48 - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - 29/1/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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By Balls - 27/5/2017 22:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

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By JellyBite - 1/9/2019 06:00 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 05:32 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2013 12:17 - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By God the smell - 9/8/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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By nean83 - 12/1/2013 05:11 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

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By aggghghgh - 14/5/2016 08:51

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

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By HappyNewYearsToMeAndMyCat - 1/1/2015 05:25 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I'm celebrating New Years with my cat. I made her a cake. FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - 12/8/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By GrippedMyBalls - 15/7/2009 13:21 - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

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By superconfused16 - 20/8/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 17:02

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7556446 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:22

Is he gonna make Trojan pay for his condoms?

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7556455 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:25

Did he grab you by your pussy?

COMMENTS

By cmchappy | 25

#7556443 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

moonlight77 | 28

#7556808 - Thursday 26 October 2017 1:15

Idk about you... but I don’t know too much people who want to marry Trump..

Reply

DavyJoe | 13

#7556845 - Thursday 26 October 2017 4:44

No, divorce him...immediately

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7556446 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:22

Is he gonna make Trojan pay for his condoms?

Reply

merican_redneck4 | 11

#7757395 - Tuesday 22 January 2019 0:35

You do realize he isn’t Bernie Sanders right

By Stiggy626 | 25

#7556448 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:36

yeah he's every girl's fantasy forreal

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7556451 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:58

Does he at least remember your name?

By Jurbla | 14

#7556453 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:02

Because if there's one thing that definitely needed more politics, it's absolutely nothing. However, if there was something AFTER absolutely nothing that politics should be added to, it would DEFINITELY be sex.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7556455 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:25

Did he grab you by your pussy?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7556463 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:55

Did you get to pee on him?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7556488 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 8:21

Nothing dries up pussy faster than false promises.

By Selene1090 | 26

#7556583 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 14:19

God, that would make me so dry...

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7556586 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 14:42

Why on earth would he think that was sexy?

Reply

Friesian | 7

#7557136 - Thursday 26 October 2017 23:11

I don’t think he was trying to be sexy. He was trying to be funny.