Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during... - FML

By TheLostCauseFML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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Dog whisperer

Hi mom!

Expanding universe

By SeriouslyDad - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Unconditional support

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By creimers - 1/7/2020 23:01

Tis the season

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

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By skyeraven - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, an elderly man had to give me money to pay for my grocery bill because my sister broke down crying in the store as I didn't have enough money to pay for both her milkshake and cookies. She's 19. FML

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By now what - 26/7/2020 05:01

Family extension

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

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By samabomination - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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By INeedaNewJob - United States - Kent

Today, my wife received a $15,000 bonus from her work. I got a backpack from mine. FML

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By Baldy - New Zealand

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

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By FallCameEarly - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

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By nothing_nobody

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

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By hair2daygone4ever - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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By Username

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

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By Sady_Ct

Be careful what you wish for…

Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML

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By Violet - United States - Exeter

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

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By sistertaxi - Australia

Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By steph2052 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By crazydog - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

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By stun_zeed

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML

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By Paulshaun1 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my mother told me she thinks it is time for me to move into my own place. I agreed with her and went to look at studios/ flats online. She later came into my room, saw me looking at places and then got pissed off at me, saying that I hate her for wanting to leave her. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By Classicmen - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By Rachal - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

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By Meggie - Canada

Today, I walked in on my dad and his new "girlfriend". A couple days ago I realized that my sexy clothes that my boyfriend had bought me for our anniversary was missing. Guess who was wearing it? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By now my watch begins - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

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By clo_bo

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7556446 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:22

Is he gonna make Trojan pay for his condoms?

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7556455 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:25

Did he grab you by your pussy?

COMMENTS

By cmchappy | 25

#7556443 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

moonlight77 | 28

#7556808 - Thursday 26 October 2017 1:15

Idk about you... but I don’t know too much people who want to marry Trump..

Reply

DavyJoe | 13

#7556845 - Thursday 26 October 2017 4:44

No, divorce him...immediately

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7556446 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:22

Is he gonna make Trojan pay for his condoms?

Reply

merican_redneck4 | 11

#7757395 - Tuesday 22 January 2019 0:35

You do realize he isn’t Bernie Sanders right

By Stiggy626 | 25

#7556448 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:36

yeah he's every girl's fantasy forreal

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7556451 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 5:58

Does he at least remember your name?

By Jurbla | 14

#7556453 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:02

Because if there's one thing that definitely needed more politics, it's absolutely nothing. However, if there was something AFTER absolutely nothing that politics should be added to, it would DEFINITELY be sex.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7556455 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:25

Did he grab you by your pussy?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7556463 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 6:55

Did you get to pee on him?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7556488 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 8:21

Nothing dries up pussy faster than false promises.

By Selene1090 | 26

#7556583 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 14:19

God, that would make me so dry...

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7556586 - Wednesday 25 October 2017 14:42

Why on earth would he think that was sexy?

Reply

Friesian | 7

#7557136 - Thursday 26 October 2017 23:11

I don’t think he was trying to be sexy. He was trying to be funny.