Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I... - FML

By -_____- - 31/07/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 960

You deserved it 8 035

Best teeth in the game

Gummy

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

By PissNTra - 19/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 842

You deserved it 5 249

Such a healthy environment

By Predator - 21/03/2021 18:30 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 188

Dominion

By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 283

Jinx

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 23:15

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said "check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 4 803

By brebis - 18/11/2008 10:37 - France

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 302

You deserved it 70 988

By liberatedwoman - 11/08/2009 14:57 - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 997

You deserved it 7 356

By rbates - 25/07/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 754

You deserved it 60 330

By laywer_man - 07/03/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 981

You deserved it 51 750

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 454

You deserved it 4 344

Stress level: 2020

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 70

Where d'you all go?

By Notwanted - 20/04/2021 17:00

Today, I found out why the group chat I was in with my friends has been dead. Apparently, they made a group chat without me in it, so that they could make fun of me behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 72

By mystery - 17/06/2012 02:08 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 649

You deserved it 2 377

FIRE!

By 1danzo1 - 17/07/2009 10:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 775

You deserved it 6 086

By christian9294 - 08/02/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying I was immature for making gay jokes all the time. A few hours later, I got six texts and three calls from guys I didn't know. It turns out, she put my name and number on Craigslist as a gay man seeking a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 895

You deserved it 55 563

By 99jellybean - 26/01/2016 03:02 - United States - Rochester

Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 174

You deserved it 1 419

You had to ask

By Bryan - 30/09/2020 17:01 - United States

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 1 357

By flipflop - 07/06/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 195

You deserved it 7 411

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 670

You deserved it 12 042

I hate Mondays

By Leaving Early Fail - 12/01/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 207

You deserved it 11 621

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 18:39 - United States

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 908

You deserved it 4 492

By Anonymous - 14/03/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 566

You deserved it 38 358

By RetailScapegoat - 16/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 478

You deserved it 257

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Spicy

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 250

Work work work work

By ghk - 26/09/2021 20:00

Today, I had my first day off in six months. My mother immediately came down to my room and demanded that I clean the entire house. As I was cleaning, she said, "You don’t get to relax. Ever. Lazy ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 99

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 13:35 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 913

You deserved it 2 895

By princess - 08/09/2018 13:00

Today, I accidentally touched a hot pan and, like any normal person would, jerked my hand back. My mom saw, yelled at me for being a "prissy princess" and then proceeded to stick her whole hand on the hot pan for a full 5 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 905

You deserved it 356

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 08:05 - Poland

Today, I was at the Polish border when I found my passport was gone. I contacted the last place I stayed at and the owner said he would handle it. I reluctantly agreed as I was being charged international rates. Apparently, "taking care of it" means telling the embassy I'm retarded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 442

You deserved it 6 343

By Anonymous - 07/09/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 502

You deserved it 210

By verydepressed - 21/08/2013 07:18 - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 883

You deserved it 3 661

By Noname - 09/02/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 566

You deserved it 4 777

By pretty princess - 01/02/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 765

You deserved it 4 914

Paper-thin walls

By Lauren Davies - 17/09/2019 06:00

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 282

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 10:13 - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 755

You deserved it 2 983

By ouch - 20/12/2013 04:41 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 667

You deserved it 4 240

By Teenagemum - 13/07/2019 20:30

Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 045

You deserved it 95

Catch 22

By xen - 20/12/2020 11:02

Today, while in a crowded store, someone tore my mask off my face and ran away. Then before I could run after them, I got stopped and screamed at for not wearing a mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 59

Booted

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 267

You deserved it 3 354

By unloved - 01/10/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 287

You deserved it 6 829

By dadisgoatboy - 11/06/2011 06:37 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 839

You deserved it 3 468

By ovawerkrd - 16/01/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 911

You deserved it 2 734

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Top comments

nmcoy 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

davincidasecond 24

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Comments

mcm_3 16

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Ummmm.... intreguing

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Thursday 1 August 2013 7:27

This just confirms my suspicions that FML comments are turning into Dolan comics...

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Thursday 1 August 2013 21:23

This was a pretty funny mistake for someone with a brain for a picture!

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Friday 9 August 2013 1:01

It really should be up-voted

nmcoy 6

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

Fuji76 15

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:43

Wonder how you tell? Can't be because it gets swollen and oozes gunk, huh?

davincidasecond 24

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

patrickalamo 47

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:44

And the difference between pink and purple is your grip.

ThePK 5

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Thursday 1 August 2013 19:35

I don't think you realize that it's also called the "One-Eyed Snake". Therefore, easily he can get pinkeye there...!

PterodactylMan 23

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

At least he was careful, pink-eye is dangerous!

OneGirlTwoCups 13

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:48

And painful on the fourth of July.

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Thursday 1 August 2013 10:19

And now he just needs an anatomy lesson.

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Saturday 3 August 2013 14:34

And contagious. Really, he was just thinking of you.

SaxophoneHero 12

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Hey, he was just being careful. Pinkeye is very unpleasant.

WellThatSucked89 13

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Haha. Silly boyfriend. Sorry for his, for lack of a better phrase, re-dick-ulous assumption.

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:37

I hope he did get pink-dick.

Metallica36176 16

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Thursday 1 August 2013 16:07

I favorited this FML because it made me laugh so hard... and then I had to read your fucking comment to make me lose it even more. xD

firstbasemaster 15

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Pinkeye is very serious especially dick pinkeye

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Thursday 1 August 2013 8:18

Mr. 14 and single. How the hell do you know dick pink eye is a serious thing? Have you gotten pink dick before or are you just commenting shit to be disliked?

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Thursday 1 August 2013 19:42

What's worse is that his username is "firstbasemaster".

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Thursday 1 August 2013 20:36

pink eye dick sounds like a grunge band

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Is your boyfriend stupid?

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Thursday 1 August 2013 8:52

Kinda obvious, ain' it?

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:40

Your boyfriend doesnt seem to know what he said?

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247

You deserved it 674

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 802