Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I... - FML

By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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Understandable

Messed up

The end of the road

By sketchball - 5/10/2012 14:56 - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By oh gee - 2/5/2016 05:01

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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By scarred - 17/9/2018 15:30

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By NotSoCool - 15/5/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 15:02 - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By sadbride - 26/10/2012 03:58 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

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By azouwa - 29/7/2017 05:00

Everybody wants to be a cat

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

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By ohtheirony - 22/9/2014 01:27

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

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By phantom-yamato - 1/5/2020 17:00

Germ warfare

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

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By Marcella_03 - 5/12/2009 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By Emmz91 - 6/9/2019 16:00

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

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By anon - 21/6/2014 12:50 - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:38 - United States

Today, I nervously started a new job, and my co-workers were telling me silly rules about our boss. Later, I accidentally bumped into him, and blurted "Rule #7, don't touch George." He definitely heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

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By stolen-car - 26/6/2012 02:55 - United States - Columbia

Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

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By Oops - 26/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

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By justsingle - 11/5/2010 08:56 - Philippines

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

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By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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By LagSwitchFTW - 25/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

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By santabelly - 2/12/2016 04:44

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - 8/11/2009 11:46 - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 01:30

ur mom gay

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

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By Aryah - 17/12/2016 16:43 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

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By newcomer - 12/4/2017 05:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

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By birdmagnet - 25/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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By idk - 4/9/2015 14:15 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By poop - 28/2/2012 07:10 - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By wellthatsucks - 5/7/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

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By - 24/12/2018 12:00

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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By oldsoulyoungbody - 30/1/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

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By Mad Munki - 7/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By 1danzo1 - 17/7/2009 10:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a haircut. I had my foils in for about 10 minutes when the fire alarm went off. The building then started to fill with smoke and we evacuated. While outside watching the fire being put out, I forgot about my foils. I now have bright bleached yellow and orange hair. FML

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Top comments

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

COMMENTS

By mcm_3 | 16

#5607585 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Ummmm.... intreguing

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5607752 - Thursday 1 August 2013 7:27

This just confirms my suspicions that FML comments are turning into Dolan comics...

Reply

AculyAmber | 12

#5608686 - Thursday 1 August 2013 21:23

This was a pretty funny mistake for someone with a brain for a picture!

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5619176 - Friday 9 August 2013 1:01

It really should be up-voted

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5607623 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:43

Wonder how you tell? Can't be because it gets swollen and oozes gunk, huh?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5607629 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:44

And the difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Reply

ThePK | 5

#5608487 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:35

I don't think you realize that it's also called the "One-Eyed Snake". Therefore, easily he can get pinkeye there...!

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5607588 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

At least he was careful, pink-eye is dangerous!

Reply

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5607639 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:48

And painful on the fourth of July.

Reply

SirEbro | 7

#5607887 - Thursday 1 August 2013 10:19

And now he just needs an anatomy lesson.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611256 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:34

And contagious. Really, he was just thinking of you.

By SaxophoneHero | 12

#5607591 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Hey, he was just being careful. Pinkeye is very unpleasant.

By WellThatSucked89 | 13

#5607592 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Haha. Silly boyfriend. Sorry for his, for lack of a better phrase, re-dick-ulous assumption.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5607597 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:37

I hope he did get pink-dick.

Reply

Metallica36176 | 16

#5608129 - Thursday 1 August 2013 16:07

I favorited this FML because it made me laugh so hard...
and then I had to read your fucking comment to make me lose it even more. xD

By firstbasemaster | 15

#5607600 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Pinkeye is very serious especially dick pinkeye

Reply

daniel_0084 | 14

#5607795 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:18

Mr. 14 and single. How the hell do you know dick pink eye is a serious thing? Have you gotten pink dick before or are you just commenting shit to be disliked?

Reply

arroberts | 10

#5608502 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:42

What's worse is that his username is "firstbasemaster".

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5608610 - Thursday 1 August 2013 20:36

pink eye dick sounds like a grunge band

By bdonalee97 | 6

#5607601 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Is your boyfriend stupid?

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5607823 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:52

Kinda obvious, ain' it?

By Testing1234 | 25

#5607613 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:40

Your boyfriend doesnt seem to know what he said?