Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I... - FML

By -_____- - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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BO Central

There's no helping some people

Messed up

By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

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By heartbrokenhaley - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

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By Matthew - 10/3/2021 00:30

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, I awoke with a swollen, painful testicle. I called the ambulance and went to the hospital. After they'd done an ultrasound, it's a bad infection. My nurse was someone I used to know and had a major crush on. She's responsible for checking my testicle every 20 minutes when she checks my heart rate. FML

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By Fairymyass - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

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By imfromtexas02 - United States

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

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By megmo7 - United States

Today, my roommate who stays out til 4 or 5 in the morning each night got her key to the dorm fixed. I've been having to stay up nightly to let her in (my normal bedtime being 12:00) How'd they fix it? Turns out it was never broken she was just putting the key in the slot wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By Noname - United Kingdom

Not now, Kevin

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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By rj - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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By firefly02255 - United States

Bullseye

Today, some troopers forced my family out of our house with no shoes or enough clothing. Even the baby was half naked. We were told we can't go back for at least another 12 hours. Why? Because my mental neighbor was shooting at the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 20:00 - United States

Not going well, is it?

Today, I've been married for six months, my husband and I are in our early twenties, and not only does he have absolutely no interest in any kind of sexual act with me, he actually becomes angry and irritated when I try to come on to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By Wolf145 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 02:01

I'm not that old!

Today, I was showing my hair-do from my high school prom from 10 years ago to a drunk neighbor. He turned to my mom and said, "Wow, she was a beautiful girl back in the day." Right in front of me. FML

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By jezusflowers - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

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By notmydad. - Philippines

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

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By Jasmine_smilee - United States - Canby

Today, I had to finally accept that I have an eating disorder when I caught myself checking for the nutrition facts and calories on my shampoo. FML

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By bottomdrawerraider - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

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By justno

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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By Alien - Switzerland

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

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By brokeasajoke - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By yankesik - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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By ali - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By GogurtBadass - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By look how totally not racist I am! - United States - Salida

Today, I was stuck on a campus tour with my subtly racist mother who, in an attempt to seem open-minded, deemed it appropriate to refer to our black tour guide as "Sistah". FML

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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By familyofpsychos - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

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Top comments

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

COMMENTS

By mcm_3 | 16

#5607585 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Ummmm.... intreguing

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5607752 - Thursday 1 August 2013 7:27

This just confirms my suspicions that FML comments are turning into Dolan comics...

Reply

AculyAmber | 12

#5608686 - Thursday 1 August 2013 21:23

This was a pretty funny mistake for someone with a brain for a picture!

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5619176 - Friday 9 August 2013 1:01

It really should be up-voted

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5607623 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:43

Wonder how you tell? Can't be because it gets swollen and oozes gunk, huh?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5607629 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:44

And the difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Reply

ThePK | 5

#5608487 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:35

I don't think you realize that it's also called the "One-Eyed Snake". Therefore, easily he can get pinkeye there...!

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5607588 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

At least he was careful, pink-eye is dangerous!

Reply

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5607639 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:48

And painful on the fourth of July.

Reply

SirEbro | 7

#5607887 - Thursday 1 August 2013 10:19

And now he just needs an anatomy lesson.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611256 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:34

And contagious. Really, he was just thinking of you.

By SaxophoneHero | 12

#5607591 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Hey, he was just being careful. Pinkeye is very unpleasant.

By WellThatSucked89 | 13

#5607592 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Haha. Silly boyfriend. Sorry for his, for lack of a better phrase, re-dick-ulous assumption.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5607597 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:37

I hope he did get pink-dick.

Reply

Metallica36176 | 16

#5608129 - Thursday 1 August 2013 16:07

I favorited this FML because it made me laugh so hard...
and then I had to read your fucking comment to make me lose it even more. xD

By firstbasemaster | 15

#5607600 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Pinkeye is very serious especially dick pinkeye

Reply

daniel_0084 | 14

#5607795 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:18

Mr. 14 and single. How the hell do you know dick pink eye is a serious thing? Have you gotten pink dick before or are you just commenting shit to be disliked?

Reply

arroberts | 10

#5608502 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:42

What's worse is that his username is "firstbasemaster".

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5608610 - Thursday 1 August 2013 20:36

pink eye dick sounds like a grunge band

By bdonalee97 | 6

#5607601 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Is your boyfriend stupid?

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5607823 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:52

Kinda obvious, ain' it?

By Testing1234 | 25

#5607613 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:40

Your boyfriend doesnt seem to know what he said?