Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I... - FML

By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Dad jokes, part 43884

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By warp_routine - 31/3/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By kukadaman - 15/3/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 10:00

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 00:29 - Serbia

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

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By accountingclown - 21/1/2017 00:23

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

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By Cheyennereed - 17/2/2013 15:50 - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

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By Noname - 19/1/2009 09:21 - United States

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

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By kittyfiddlernono - 23/6/2013 19:39 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By manutdlol - 13/12/2009 06:15 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By "jonnybones223" - 8/3/2019 04:00

Today, I was awakened by my father saying how proud he was of his little boy. I assumed he meant me, since I landed an apprenticeship in the same union he's worked in for 25 years. Turns out he was speaking about his cat, who left a dead squirrel next to my bed. I stepped on the damn thing. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - 20/12/2013 21:48 - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By JGarz - 10/10/2015 07:21 - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Angelica - 28/10/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

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By ROLLY - 3/3/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

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By tikizombie - 30/8/2010 20:10 - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

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By playinmyguitar - 15/8/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By nightwalker2253 - 16/11/2015 07:13 - United States - Orange

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years old. FML

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By benz1369 - 12/5/2016 22:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while stocking the green beans at work, I picked up a "leaf" which turned out to be a grasshopper. I screamed so loud, my coworkers now think I'm crazy. This is only my second week here. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By Evalynne - 6/4/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

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By burntloyalty - 26/3/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

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By whaleninjapoop - 6/12/2012 08:24 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I jokingly tried to convince my girlfriend that Wyoming was a government conspiracy and did not exist. She believed me. FML

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By Username - 29/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding and was shocked that the cop asked me out. Before I could respond, he noticed my wedding ring, said "Nevermind" and then gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonyme - 18/6/2011 01:25 - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

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By scarredforlife - 16/8/2012 04:05 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By Bec99 - 19/4/2020 17:00

Spotted

Today, the pimples on my face are finally clearing up. They seem to have migrated to my ass. FML

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By Deweyboy - 30/10/2016 04:23

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

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By sacrophage - 28/2/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my abusive, obsessive, psychotic ex-boyfriend from over two years ago still has a thing for me. How did I find out? Although I've ignored him walking unnecessarily past my house for the past two months, it was hard to ignore when he fell from a tree outside my window. FML

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By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 03:45 - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a post-it note on my locker that said "consider yourself dumped". FML

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By kanenakid - 27/12/2010 12:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

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By WesJaz - 8/1/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By SocialAnxietySucks - 26/3/2014 03:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

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By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

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By Treats For Days - 19/7/2013 13:54 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

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By didntevenknow - 13/8/2012 15:06 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

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By lostlove - 1/10/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I was trying to find my first message on Facebook. When I was reaching the bottom, I saw a message from my old crush. It contained a paragraph confessing her love for me and asking me to write back. Don't know how I missed that one. FML

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Top comments

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Comments

By mcm_3 | 16

#5607585 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Ummmm.... intreguing

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5607752 - Thursday 1 August 2013 7:27

This just confirms my suspicions that FML comments are turning into Dolan comics...

Reply

AculyAmber | 12

#5608686 - Thursday 1 August 2013 21:23

This was a pretty funny mistake for someone with a brain for a picture!

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5619176 - Friday 9 August 2013 1:01

It really should be up-voted

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5607623 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:43

Wonder how you tell? Can't be because it gets swollen and oozes gunk, huh?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5607629 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:44

And the difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Reply

ThePK | 5

#5608487 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:35

I don't think you realize that it's also called the "One-Eyed Snake". Therefore, easily he can get pinkeye there...!

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5607588 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

At least he was careful, pink-eye is dangerous!

Reply

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5607639 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:48

And painful on the fourth of July.

Reply

SirEbro | 7

#5607887 - Thursday 1 August 2013 10:19

And now he just needs an anatomy lesson.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611256 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:34

And contagious. Really, he was just thinking of you.

By SaxophoneHero | 12

#5607591 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Hey, he was just being careful. Pinkeye is very unpleasant.

By WellThatSucked89 | 13

#5607592 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Haha. Silly boyfriend. Sorry for his, for lack of a better phrase, re-dick-ulous assumption.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5607597 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:37

I hope he did get pink-dick.

Reply

Metallica36176 | 16

#5608129 - Thursday 1 August 2013 16:07

I favorited this FML because it made me laugh so hard...
and then I had to read your fucking comment to make me lose it even more. xD

By firstbasemaster | 15

#5607600 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Pinkeye is very serious especially dick pinkeye

Reply

daniel_0084 | 14

#5607795 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:18

Mr. 14 and single. How the hell do you know dick pink eye is a serious thing? Have you gotten pink dick before or are you just commenting shit to be disliked?

Reply

arroberts | 10

#5608502 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:42

What's worse is that his username is "firstbasemaster".

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5608610 - Thursday 1 August 2013 20:36

pink eye dick sounds like a grunge band

By bdonalee97 | 6

#5607601 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Is your boyfriend stupid?

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5607823 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:52

Kinda obvious, ain' it?

By Testing1234 | 25

#5607613 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:40

Your boyfriend doesnt seem to know what he said?