Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I... - FML

By -_____- - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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Commando

Last dates

Thanks, I'm cured!

By yourfault - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

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By Annon - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Left hanging

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was packing, when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had 3 unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By man - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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By Evan Chong - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By harvdog - United States

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

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Romantic gesture

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

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By lexibabe - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By bntje - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

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By anonymous_0505 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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By Lor - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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By edgyasfuck23 - United States - Blairsville

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

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By NewRoommateNeededASAP - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

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By John doe - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

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By Ames - United States

Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By lolatmylovelife - United States - Del Valle

Today, I walked in on my husband going down on another woman. Instead of speaking, he looked at me, got up, and slammed the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

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By ohray - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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By take a fucking seat, gran - United States - Fullerton

Today, my psychotic grandma set fire to our Christmas tree because she refuses to let us celebrate what she calls a twisted pagan holiday. FML

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By sadsexer23 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By peepeepants - Canada

Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML

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By kiwi - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By thermos - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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Top comments

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

COMMENTS

By mcm_3 | 16

#5607585 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Ummmm.... intreguing

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5607752 - Thursday 1 August 2013 7:27

This just confirms my suspicions that FML comments are turning into Dolan comics...

Reply

AculyAmber | 12

#5608686 - Thursday 1 August 2013 21:23

This was a pretty funny mistake for someone with a brain for a picture!

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5619176 - Friday 9 August 2013 1:01

It really should be up-voted

By nmcoy | 6

#5607586 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Pink eye from the brown eye?

Reply

Fuji76 | 15

#5607623 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:43

Wonder how you tell? Can't be because it gets swollen and oozes gunk, huh?

By davincidasecond | 24

#5607587 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:35

Did you tell him it's "pink eye", not "pink dick"?

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5607629 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:44

And the difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Reply

ThePK | 5

#5608487 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:35

I don't think you realize that it's also called the "One-Eyed Snake". Therefore, easily he can get pinkeye there...!

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5607588 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

At least he was careful, pink-eye is dangerous!

Reply

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5607639 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:48

And painful on the fourth of July.

Reply

SirEbro | 7

#5607887 - Thursday 1 August 2013 10:19

And now he just needs an anatomy lesson.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611256 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:34

And contagious. Really, he was just thinking of you.

By SaxophoneHero | 12

#5607591 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Hey, he was just being careful. Pinkeye is very unpleasant.

By WellThatSucked89 | 13

#5607592 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:36

Haha. Silly boyfriend. Sorry for his, for lack of a better phrase, re-dick-ulous assumption.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5607597 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:37

I hope he did get pink-dick.

Reply

Metallica36176 | 16

#5608129 - Thursday 1 August 2013 16:07

I favorited this FML because it made me laugh so hard...
and then I had to read your fucking comment to make me lose it even more. xD

By firstbasemaster | 15

#5607600 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Pinkeye is very serious especially dick pinkeye

Reply

daniel_0084 | 14

#5607795 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:18

Mr. 14 and single. How the hell do you know dick pink eye is a serious thing? Have you gotten pink dick before or are you just commenting shit to be disliked?

Reply

arroberts | 10

#5608502 - Thursday 1 August 2013 19:42

What's worse is that his username is "firstbasemaster".

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#5608610 - Thursday 1 August 2013 20:36

pink eye dick sounds like a grunge band

By bdonalee97 | 6

#5607601 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:38

Is your boyfriend stupid?

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#5607823 - Thursday 1 August 2013 8:52

Kinda obvious, ain' it?

By Testing1234 | 25

#5607613 - Thursday 1 August 2013 5:40

Your boyfriend doesnt seem to know what he said?