Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers... - FML

By ImScrewed - 2/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

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Running commentary

Compassion

Business savvy

By Charlayyyy - 16/12/2010 02:30

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

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By mraow123 - 30/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2013 07:17 - United Kingdom - London

Considerate boyfriend

Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

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By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By haphazard2007 - 2/1/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

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By Rollymouth - 2/9/2010 01:26 - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By lylethomes15 - 21/4/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML

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By lonely - 25/7/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

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By totallymyfaultyeah - 18/7/2017 05:00

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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By badtiming - 3/3/2015 17:18 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

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By frigid - 12/10/2011 01:05

Today, I found out my landlord is too cheap to turn up the hot water tank enough to have a comfortable shower. There's a huge padlock on the door, she won't budge, and I'm signed in until December. FML

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By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By ohmyx3 - 30/4/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - 15/12/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By so bored -__- - 25/2/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By wow, thanks - 18/8/2012 00:39 - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - 4/10/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By burnswhenipee - 8/4/2015 00:47 - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 08:26 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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By sigh - 24/1/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By JJAnd - 28/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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By mississippi123 - 6/8/2012 05:41 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By bad_luck - 31/12/2011 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By chocochoco - 24/3/2014 03:40 - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

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By Thanksalot - 30/11/2013 05:58 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By kentrm - 11/5/2016 02:12 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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By FirmlyInEngland - 17/9/2009 09:23 - United Kingdom

Today, the boy I have crush on at school announced that his family were moving to Australia. My friend thought that it would be funny to spread a rumour that I was moving too, in order to follow him. Everyone has heard it, and unfortunately everyone believes it, including him. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By NoColor - 29/10/2014 13:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML

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By Rae - 2/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By Kelly - 2/8/2012 08:11 - United States - Manteca

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - 31/7/2013 22:49 - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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By fuck my eyeballs - 1/12/2013 23:07 - United States - Rancho Palos Verdes

Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML

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By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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Top comments

By shutup_matt | 5

#3025524 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

What kind of crappy music do you listen to?

By deafeningsilence | 8

#3025514 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Well, if they can't find anything, then you're in the clear.

Comments

By deafeningsilence | 8

#3025514 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

Well, if they can't find anything, then you're in the clear.

Reply

SirObvious | 1

#3025804 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:49

Ctrl alt delete

Reply

flockz | 19

#3025863 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:56

ya whenever i watch my softcore porn, my main turn on is the soothing sounds of the music. its like an instant boner.

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3025909 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:04

the only reason they're checking you out is because if you really were watching porn, they'd keep it all to themselves. :S

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3026219 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:35

Dang OP, couldn't wait till you got home for that?

Reply

tatababe | 0

#3026410 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:27

Bro what music were you listening too??(

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3026442 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:36

What's softcore porn? The only porn I've heard of is the stuff where they handcuff you to a bed and whip you with chains

Reply

soccergurl95 | 8

#3026553 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:01

So were you listening to like Justin beiber?

Reply

SuperPineApple | 0

#3026793 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:47

WTF were you listening to? Willow Smith? Well porn does make me want to whip my hair back and forth.

Reply

Uneedanapbro | 6

#3026925 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:11

Hey. You should be suspended for listening to music that is so bad it reminds people of "Shitty soft core porn" Ugh. People these days.

Reply

rallets | 22

#3026950 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:14

bow chicka wah wah

Reply

Trollicious | 0

#3027090 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:44

Wait you're not allowed to watch porn at work?? Then why the privacy and comfortable chair. Just as long as your man goo doesn't hit the dude in the next cubicle it should be fine, just like masturbating on an airplane or on an elementary school playground.

Reply

rodeochick754 | 4

#3027192 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:06

dude! wtf is wrong with u?!

Reply

My_Name_Is_ | 5

#3027298 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:24

Well stop watching shitty soft-core porn...or plug some headphones so your co worker wont listen to disturbing noises.

Reply

daysgoby902 | 6

#3027456 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:48

I think your co-workers were just playing a joke on you, or maybe they don't like you very much and were trying to get you fired.

Reply

CoDplayer96 | 4

#3027458 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:48

how do you message ppl? from your ipod on fml

Reply

daysgoby902 | 6

#3027481 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:52

I don't think that's possible but you do have your phone number in your info so I'm sure you have enough messages to worry about

Reply

rallets | 22

#3027619 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:28

^ maybe its not enough?

Reply

idontcare8l | 3

#3027696 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:47

112- its not ilegal its frowned apon , lke masturebating on an airplane

Reply

rallets | 22

#3027762 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:59

^ redundant?

Reply

LolMoqz | 10

#3028139 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 9:24

107- Brown chicken, brown cow

Reply

Mercedeh910 | 0

#3031179 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 20:04

that's enough a you

Reply

Friaza | 29

#3031930 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:27

This is where programming comes in handy. Deleting all porn files can be just a double click away. (Back them up on a pen-drive before this happens) And you can even write the programme in less than 60 seconds on something as basic as Notepad :D

Reply

thewhitelover3 | 9

#3340300 - Saturday 24 September 2011 23:41

28- you just made my day beiber sucks

By shutup_matt | 5

#3025524 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:06

What kind of crappy music do you listen to?

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#3025596 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:13

The 2 girls one cup background song. That's why it's "shitty"

Reply

whatsittuya | 2

#3025650 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:22

What they heard was Justin Bieber singing baby.

Reply

shutup_matt | 5

#3025669 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:25

25- Please don't reply to my comment to make a retarded Justin Bieber joke. Thank you. :)

Reply

chelseaaababyyy | 17

#3025684 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:28

25 - i thought it was funny(:

Reply

haydenbro03 | 4

#3025934 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:12

28- shut the fuck up.

Reply

YayorNay | 8

#3026037 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:42

Hey Matt, shut up.

Reply

puppiesandrainbo | 1

#3026117 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:05

50-shut the fuck up

I thought it was funny :)

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3026429 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:32

The thought of Justin Bieber having anything to do with porn...*shrudders*

Reply

BrokenDreamer24 | 14

#3026478 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:45

Wouldn't any porn it does be considered child porn?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026522 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:53

Well, JB does moan in that song...

Reply

rodeochick754 | 4

#3027199 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:08

he more so squaks i thought

Reply

baseball6917 | 8

#3027256 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:17

jb can't do porn, he hasn't hit puberty.

Reply

danny_x3dgr | 0

#3027301 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:24

Probably playing JB but not "baby" he was probably playing "some buddy to love" Jajaja

Reply

fatraptorjesus13 | 9

#3027478 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:51

...,who cares about JB anymore?

Reply

futtbuck101 | 1

#3027646 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:34

Little river band

Reply

Jaxx66 | 21

#3028410 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:10

Ohhh. Number two thinks his comment is special.

Anyhow! That's why metal saves lives (and keeps from getting suspended from work)!

Reply

rkurdek | 4

#3028448 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:22

-50 you don't have to be a dick

Reply

jmrgirl3 | 6

#3029850 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 16:40

I do fuck u

By hollyman | 0

#3025532 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

EPIC FAIL

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3025589 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:12

LIAF CIPE

Reply

knights95 | 9

#3025837 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:54

Niw cipe^

Reply

eminemchick | 19

#3026380 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:19

wtf
ftw

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3026530 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:54

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

Reply

Suchagoonnn | 4

#3027637 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 7:31

^ Chappelles show reference!!!

By txgirl2013 | 14

#3025534 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

Get better earphones..??

Reply

partyfool2011 | 4

#3026057 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:46

Yes because letting the co-workers hear the music in HD will really solve op's problem.

Reply

moojugs | 6

#3026096 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:58

He just meant earphones that will keep the fucking music in them, so that his co-workers WON'T hear it.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#3026293 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 2:52

"Letting the co-workers hear the music in HD"

"Hear the music in HD"

"Music in HD"

Lolwut.

Reply

partyfool2011 | 4

#3039544 - Thursday 4 August 2011 20:58

Fucking music... Pun intended?

By tsim_fml | 0

#3025540 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:07

Suspension is always better than working unless your a donkey

Reply

tsim_fml | 0

#3026601 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:16

Sorry about that predestinedly-retarded comment. Was a little toked up on Marijuana.

Reply

zinjiitsdanaa | 3

#3026960 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:16

You don't have to announce it to the world.

Reply

marijuanasmoker4 | 3

#3027442 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:47

108-Yeah you do, it's in the rules.

Reply

relevantusername | 0

#3027493 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:57

He wasn't, he was just explaining why his comment was so fucked up.

By ACM1991 | 9

#3025546 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:08

Ask him if he got a boner when he heard that. Lol

Reply

fashionistaGirll | 0

#3027076 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 5:41

?you should read the fml properly? the boss obv didnt hear the music.. and asking your boss if he got a boner is just plain stupid

By skylerXx | 6

#3025550 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:09

Your user name is "PornoBob." It's totally understandable. You should stop listening to shitty music.

By agsilver | 14

#3025552 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:09

What were you listening to? Justin Bieber?

Reply

KLuff | 0

#3025848 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:55

This crossed my mind as well!

Reply

bigbadtim | 7

#3026080 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:49

Twink porn?

By brunettesara5722 | 17

#3025557 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:09

Lol at least they wont

By WCARlover | 34

#3025559 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 0:09

Hahaa what kind of music do you listen to?!