Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk...

By hangman - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

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Work

Trip Advisor says no

My body, my choice

Ideal first date

By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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By LuckyLoser9 - United States

Today, I found out that absentmindedly correcting my boss' use of the word "whom" could result in my immediate termination. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By tooembarrassed - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls." His response: "We don't." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By Pepe - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

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By Username - Japan

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By bitchface - United States

Today, I looked at my father's facebook for the first time in a month to see his status and it said "making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter. FML

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By mbesameh - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

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By notsoproudfather - India - Pune

Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML

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By embarassed_chick - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

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By kennarama - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By Nutellalover - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

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By my honest father - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By distressed - Australia - Burwood

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

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By BubbaYoshi117 - 7/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

test light

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

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By ebe

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

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By ahhhboys - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

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By anx133 - China

Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By disappointed dad - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

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By lifebecrazed

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By notsexy - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By Plasticface - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

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By Cirese Summerrose

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By Tomtom - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By ReluctantAntEater - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

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By wow - United States - Gilbert

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By Wisconsin love - United States

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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Top comments

By love_rose18 | 9

#5609243 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:32

Your boss is a dick.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5609241 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:31

Sorry you were set up for that OP. At least you're still employed.

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5609241 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:31

Sorry you were set up for that OP. At least you're still employed.

daniel_0084 | 14

#5609268 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:39

What the hell is wrong with your profile picture.

tiernang | 21

#5609291 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:49

7, i have seen it so much lately, im numb to it now.

friedpwnadge | 25

#5609333 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:12

It's an eye leech, commonly used in many cultures to drain bad blood and help with infections.
The more you know :)

Zynris | 10

#5609346 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:19

Looks a lot more like grape jelly to me.

DJisHere11 | 19

#5609368 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:48

It looks really fucked up to me. I don't even like reading her comments because of that picture.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5609477 - Friday 2 August 2013 8:30

Set up like a girl on a blind date with a 40yr old virgin

UglyFatGirl | 9

#5609510 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:05

what?!..

tjv3 | 10

#5610558 - Saturday 3 August 2013 2:48

Well check the company policy on acceptable use for the computer/Internet/email then report him to HR and smile

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611241 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:23

Don't encourage HR to be dicks.

Do print it with the time stamp so that they know it was right before same dude wrote you up, just in case.

By love_rose18 | 9

#5609243 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:32

Your boss is a dick.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5609308 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:58

A big one at that, hey at least your not fighting for your job like the other FML

_parth | 20

#5610062 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:29

Or a hilarious boss.

By herh1996 | 6

#5609250 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:34

Wow, you should send him an equally funny email next time he has a meeting or something.

KingReppin956 | 15

#5609408 - Friday 2 August 2013 7:29

Umm no because his boss is the boss & can fire him.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5609254 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:34

Your boss is an ass.

By narkill | 13

#5609256 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:36

Just plant some weed in his desk next time.
Actually no, don't do that.

Fluffasuars_Rawr | 15

#5609270 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:40

Haha, he would probably take the weed and just smoke it xD

electricshock19 | 12

#5609303 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:56

Why not?...

subiedude08 | 17

#5609533 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:35

Because that's just wrong that could get him arrested he only suspended her

By thatgirlkat | 9

#5609267 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:39

This man is the definition of a dick.

By hcollins1 | 18

#5609273 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:41

If there is anyone in management that is in a higher position than your boss, show them the email the he had sent you. I can't stand people who take advantage of their power!

By kjones99 | 11

#5609280 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:42

Your boss is a jerk, and take this as a hint and possibly find someone better to work for.

By whyisitme12 | 19

#5609281 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:42

Be happy you still got job, any other boss would of just fired on spot. Still FML

alycion | 38

#5609307 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:58

I know the economy sucks and good jobs can be hard to come by, but we shouldn't be happy about having a job if companies and bosses continue to treat us like shit. If people keep that attitude, things will never change.

Shade1982 | 20

#5609535 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:36

Exactly. In no way should we accept this kind of intolerable behavior just because we should be happy to have a job!

By perdix | 29

#5609287 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:44

The email was likely mildly amusing and the fact you found it "hilarious" showed you to be a shameless suck-up.

Justy101 | 23

#5609628 - Friday 2 August 2013 12:45

Doubt it.