Work: Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk...

By hangman - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Countdown

Whackjobs 'R Us

By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By GeneralElement - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By msleea - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

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By Flabbergasted - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By Scarred4Life - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By BrisbaneCoop - Australia

Today, my fiancé and I visited his family for dinner. The entire time I was there, his mother and sister had an in depth conversation about how attractive his ex girlfriends were and how they got along with them so well. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

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By caughttt - United States

Never cross the streams

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

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By sweetie808 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By whosurdaddy

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By munnyfish - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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By samba_spaz - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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642

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By Damn You Fortnite

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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4035

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

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By I Have Failed - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

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By Nickki - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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By heymacie - United States - Beckley

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

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By NotsexyEnough - United States

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - Australia

Livin' the dream

Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML

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By Eh... - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By Arsinoe - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

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By PerfectBoyfriend - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By shitty situation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

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By nancypants1124 - United States

Today, I was joking around with my manager about faking an injury to collect Worker's Compensation. Then I actually slipped and sprained my foot, and now my manager thinks I'm lying. FML

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By devakii - United States

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

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35155

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By Turnipseed3 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

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47364

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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10461

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By me - United States

Today, I apologized to my boyfriend for thinking he was cheating on me right before another girl posted pictures of them together on her myspace. FML

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31831

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By Andrew Dutch Beebe

Today, I was told not to show up for work, after I showed up for work. FML

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By uneducated - United States

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

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43295

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By grossedout - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By Dan

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

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Top comments

By love_rose18 | 9

#5609243 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:32

Your boss is a dick.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5609241 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:31

Sorry you were set up for that OP. At least you're still employed.

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5609241 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:31

Sorry you were set up for that OP. At least you're still employed.

daniel_0084 | 14

#5609268 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:39

What the hell is wrong with your profile picture.

tiernang | 21

#5609291 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:49

7, i have seen it so much lately, im numb to it now.

friedpwnadge | 25

#5609333 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:12

It's an eye leech, commonly used in many cultures to drain bad blood and help with infections.
The more you know :)

Zynris | 10

#5609346 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:19

Looks a lot more like grape jelly to me.

DJisHere11 | 19

#5609368 - Friday 2 August 2013 6:48

It looks really fucked up to me. I don't even like reading her comments because of that picture.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5609477 - Friday 2 August 2013 8:30

Set up like a girl on a blind date with a 40yr old virgin

UglyFatGirl | 9

#5609510 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:05

what?!..

tjv3 | 10

#5610558 - Saturday 3 August 2013 2:48

Well check the company policy on acceptable use for the computer/Internet/email then report him to HR and smile

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5611241 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:23

Don't encourage HR to be dicks.

Do print it with the time stamp so that they know it was right before same dude wrote you up, just in case.

By love_rose18 | 9

#5609243 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:32

Your boss is a dick.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5609308 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:58

A big one at that, hey at least your not fighting for your job like the other FML

_parth | 20

#5610062 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:29

Or a hilarious boss.

By herh1996 | 6

#5609250 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:34

Wow, you should send him an equally funny email next time he has a meeting or something.

KingReppin956 | 15

#5609408 - Friday 2 August 2013 7:29

Umm no because his boss is the boss & can fire him.

By ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5609254 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:34

Your boss is an ass.

By narkill | 13

#5609256 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:36

Just plant some weed in his desk next time.
Actually no, don't do that.

Fluffasuars_Rawr | 15

#5609270 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:40

Haha, he would probably take the weed and just smoke it xD

electricshock19 | 12

#5609303 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:56

Why not?...

subiedude08 | 17

#5609533 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:35

Because that's just wrong that could get him arrested he only suspended her

By thatgirlkat | 9

#5609267 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:39

This man is the definition of a dick.

By hcollins1 | 18

#5609273 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:41

If there is anyone in management that is in a higher position than your boss, show them the email the he had sent you. I can't stand people who take advantage of their power!

By kjones99 | 11

#5609280 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:42

Your boss is a jerk, and take this as a hint and possibly find someone better to work for.

By whyisitme12 | 19

#5609281 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:42

Be happy you still got job, any other boss would of just fired on spot. Still FML

alycion | 38

#5609307 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:58

I know the economy sucks and good jobs can be hard to come by, but we shouldn't be happy about having a job if companies and bosses continue to treat us like shit. If people keep that attitude, things will never change.

Shade1982 | 20

#5609535 - Friday 2 August 2013 9:36

Exactly. In no way should we accept this kind of intolerable behavior just because we should be happy to have a job!

By perdix | 29

#5609287 - Friday 2 August 2013 5:44

The email was likely mildly amusing and the fact you found it "hilarious" showed you to be a shameless suck-up.

Justy101 | 23

#5609628 - Friday 2 August 2013 12:45

Doubt it.