Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy...

By Court - 22/2/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

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Love

Proactive

Dangling modifier

Sister of the year

By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By congrats grad - 8/6/2013 05:12 - United States - Panorama City

Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML

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By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

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By jules - 10/3/2011 07:53 - United States

Today, an older man sat next to me while he ate his lunch. He dropped what I assumed was his cutlery. Wanting to help out, I picked it up off the floor. It was his teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

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By fluke - 19/9/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By kris - 25/4/2014 15:40 - United States - Upland

Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 11:56 - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By Sammy - 25/11/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2011 04:38

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

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By WanstinChurchHill - 8/9/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

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By Bathroom Problems - 2/1/2010 19:24 - France

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

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By ekaay - 16/1/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2011 12:13 - United States

Today, my purse was stolen. Too bad it had all of my money and my passport. My flight is tomorrow, and the embassy is closed until Monday. Guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next 3 days. FML

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By Username - 1/5/2011 03:16 - United States

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2014 23:07 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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By seablue - 11/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:08 - United States - Ballwin

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

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By coloradoman - 30/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

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By Schaf_12 - 16/6/2012 18:10 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

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By NoWedding - 10/2/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/8/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 01:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By holyshitsnacks - 18/3/2014 22:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 19:09

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By Trash - 21/1/2009 14:23 - France

Today, a girl was coming on to me throughout an entire concert, giving me drinks. At the end of the evening, she gave me her MSN address so that we could do other things together. Thanks to all the drinks I'd had, I forgot her address. FML

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By ManinBlack - 14/9/2011 01:30 - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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By TheJazzKid - 30/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, I played a Jazz gig. It rained, making the tent the band performed under heavy with water. When I stepped forward to play my solo, the front end of the tent collapsed under the weight of the rain, drenching me. FML

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By RIPcareer - 18/10/2015 19:18 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2010 13:27 - Costa Rica

Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2016 14:55 - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

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By Michelle - 20/2/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By FML - 21/6/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 20:42 - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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Top comments

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

COMMENTS

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

Hanban | 0

#881745 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:28

At least he really didn't show his talent in farting...

im2good25 | 0

#881759 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:34

hero

kolly38 | 0

#881900 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:59

YDI FOR GOING ON A BLIND DATE. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NOT GOOD AT CINVERSATION SO HE WAS HAVING A LITTLE FUN. YOU NEED TO SMARTEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY NOT TRY TALKING IN YOUR OWN VOICES HUH?!!!!!!!!!!!!?! THINK ABOUT IT!!

Elamdri | 0

#882014 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:52

Oh dear...

_swimcutie_ | 0

#882205 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:53

ewwwwwwww...run as far as you possibly can!! :(

jskains | 6

#882207 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:54

Why are you giving advice when you can't type without the caps lock on or even spell?

inconvienentgurl | 0

#882403 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:35

Well clearly you need to tell your friend either they don't know you that well or they have terrible taste in guys (for themselves or you) or if you messed up and they wanted revenge?!?!

WhatANoob | 0

#883777 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 2:29

Sexy.

crazycornn | 0

#884236 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:43

who the hell us droopy?

prince_harry | 0

#1242555 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:11

We hope.

By mysterycindy | 0

#881679 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

lol

By seadrick | 2

#881681 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

how do you deserve that? it's a *blind* date! ppl are retarded

taylorbear3397 | 0

#881715 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

ya seriously you should have thought that maybe ur friend was messing with you

marc33 | 0

#882111 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:45

OMG... u just got punked..! like that?! lol

By emo_fail_child | 0

#881690 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

ew >.<

By DrDiamond | 0

#881692 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

this sounds like my cousin nicknamed ducky.... that would be weird if it was him =)

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

Serec | 0

#881814 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:12

HA!

doink | 0

#881846 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:46

Bravo! Encore!

It made me laugh out loud.

alexxss_fml | 10

#1029955 - Monday 14 June 2010 4:36

lol good one.

By greenbass94 | 0

#881714 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

Sounds like either your really ugly or this guy knows how to party.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#881871 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:20

what in the name of german alternative rock group falco are you talking about?!

pasiphae9 | 5

#882598 - Monday 22 February 2010 18:47

What a super-special-awesome-sounding date.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882618 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:00

screw the rules he has money!

By astro2 | 0

#881716 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

the two idiots above me are morons

anyhoo i get the voices, his trying to make u laugh, us guys believe its the best way into your heart i.e be lovable

but farts? dude is either retarted OR your friend pranked him with bad advice and that guy was just an innocent nooby with no dating experience listening to anything that helped.

By GiganTronic | 0

#881718 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:17

OBVIOUSLY by "blind date", OP means "abduction and subsequent basement being-tied-to-a-chair session". So OP was OBVIOUSLY tied to her chair the whole time, chewing at her ball gag in vain. Jeez.

By DaniLupin | 0

#881727 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:20

O.o Who's droopy?

Snow_Daisy | 7

#882514 - Monday 22 February 2010 17:37

that's what I was wonderin..

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882622 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:03

foolish fools! he is like a silent dogbert, less cynical maybe...