Love: Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy...

By Court - 22/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 3 541

Love

Vulture

Noise annoys

Haircut, haiiiiiirccuuuuuut

By kaitylait - 19/08/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 461

You deserved it 11 093

By badgrandchild - 16/03/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 530

You deserved it 91 973

By Grossed out - 08/08/2018 15:00

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 170

You deserved it 200

How could you?

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 02:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 669

By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 675

You deserved it 4 167

By Anonymous - 07/08/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 557

You deserved it 3 510

By sa la vash - 14/03/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 177

You deserved it 8 241

By Dana422 - 18/05/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 340

You deserved it 39 071

By YOUNG1441 - 29/06/2016 21:50 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 129

You deserved it 778

By isthisajoke - 15/01/2009 03:49 - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 030

You deserved it 2 423

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 14:00

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 121

By Decker - 14/02/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with a hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we get out of my car, she starts sprinting to get out of the rain. I run to catch up and slip on a metal plate, and do a reverse superman onto my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 997

You deserved it 5 522

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 21:27 - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 590

You deserved it 42 962

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 21:50 - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 930

You deserved it 8 695

By slayerdeath - 20/05/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 552

You deserved it 2 537

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Mr. FootInMouth - 23/11/2020 07:56

Today, I learned that my brother has been secretly married to his girlfriend for over a year. That means that during Christmas break, when I told him that she was a "toxic bitch" and that he should leave her before she drags him down with her, they had already been married for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 337

By dinapar - 14/07/2009 14:02 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 872

You deserved it 4 951

By KJL - 29/08/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 702

You deserved it 3 853

By suppressinggags - 18/03/2016 19:45 - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 460

You deserved it 1 227

By GreatParenting - 26/07/2015 22:47 - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 055

You deserved it 1 938

By misc - 08/02/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 470

You deserved it 51 144

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 20:03 - Australia

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 3 224

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 1 166

By disgruntled stepdaughter - 06/03/2013 19:11 - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 461

You deserved it 2 706

By Sidney - 07/01/2009 20:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 035

You deserved it 41 737

May to December

By why ma? - 25/03/2020 08:02

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 559

You deserved it 188

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 05:42 - United States - Calera

Today, when my husband asked me what the password to my new computer is, I told him it was the month and year of our marriage. He couldn't figure out the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 090

You deserved it 7 060

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 917

You deserved it 51 896

Not now, dude!

By sammy - 26/03/2020 04:59 - Australia

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 498

By hfksorws - 08/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 105

You deserved it 6 050

By Anonymous - 30/09/2013 19:02 - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 430

You deserved it 43 329

By Anonymous - 02/12/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 809

You deserved it 7 314

By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 847

You deserved it 3 269

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 19:17 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 662

You deserved it 6 746

By Chaosfigure - 03/09/2017 13:00

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 870

You deserved it 226

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 256

You deserved it 29 036

Do as I say…

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my mother woke up again in a bad mood due to the quarantine and went off on how us siblings complain about each other all the time. Truth is, she's the one complaining non stop about whichever sibling is not in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 106

Squeezed one out

By harris - 25/06/2021 02:00

Today, I was desperate for the toilet when I got stopped by our CEO for a chat about a project I made a ton of profit on. I was so close to disaster that when she pulled me in for a hug I wasn’t expecting, it happened. Diarrhoea down my legs and shoes. I practically made the CEO vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 182

By Gahh... - 03/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 970

You deserved it 2 949

By LonelyGuy - 15/12/2014 11:59 - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 072

You deserved it 9 524

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Top comments

DrMonstar 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

DGross 8

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow... ... and you were a fart smeller oh how I amuse myself at 3am

DrMonstar 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

Hanban 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:28

At least he really didn't show his talent in farting...

im2good25 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:34

hero

kolly38 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 11:59

YDI FOR GOING ON A BLIND DATE. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NOT GOOD AT CINVERSATION SO HE WAS HAVING A LITTLE FUN. YOU NEED TO SMARTEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY NOT TRY TALKING IN YOUR OWN VOICES HUH?!!!!!!!!!!!!?! THINK ABOUT IT!!

Elamdri 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 12:52

Oh dear...

_swimcutie_ 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 14:53

ewwwwwwww...run as far as you possibly can!! :(

jskains 6

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Monday 22 February 2010 14:54

Why are you giving advice when you can't type without the caps lock on or even spell?

inconvienentgurl 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 16:35

Well clearly you need to tell your friend either they don't know you that well or they have terrible taste in guys (for themselves or you) or if you messed up and they wanted revenge?!?!

WhatANoob 0

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Tuesday 23 February 2010 2:29

Sexy.

crazycornn 0

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Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:43

who the hell us droopy?

prince_harry 0

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Sunday 15 August 2010 2:11

We hope.

mysterycindy 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

lol

seadrick 2

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

how do you deserve that? it's a *blind* date! ppl are retarded

taylorbear3397 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

ya seriously you should have thought that maybe ur friend was messing with you

marc33 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 13:45

OMG... u just got punked..! like that?! lol

emo_fail_child 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

ew >.<

DrDiamond 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

this sounds like my cousin nicknamed ducky.... that would be weird if it was him =)

DGross 8

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow... ... and you were a fart smeller oh how I amuse myself at 3am

Serec 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 10:12

HA!

doink 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 10:46

Bravo! Encore! It made me laugh out loud.

alexxss_fml 10

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Monday 14 June 2010 4:36

lol good one.

greenbass94 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

Sounds like either your really ugly or this guy knows how to party.

thoughtcrimeno1 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 11:20

what in the name of german alternative rock group falco are you talking about?!

pasiphae9 5

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Monday 22 February 2010 18:47

What a super-special-awesome-sounding date.

thoughtcrimeno1 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 19:00

screw the rules he has money!

astro2 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

the two idiots above me are morons anyhoo i get the voices, his trying to make u laugh, us guys believe its the best way into your heart i.e be lovable but farts? dude is either retarted OR your friend pranked him with bad advice and that guy was just an innocent nooby with no dating experience listening to anything that helped.

GiganTronic 0

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Monday 22 February 2010 9:17

OBVIOUSLY by "blind date", OP means "abduction and subsequent basement being-tied-to-a-chair session". So OP was OBVIOUSLY tied to her chair the whole time, chewing at her ball gag in vain. Jeez.