Love: Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy...

By Court - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29438

You deserved it

3538

Favorite

Love

Family values

Instadrama

And probably giggling

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31853

You deserved it

4063

Favorite

By neverStopLaughin - United States

Today, I moved out of my parents basement. After I hugged my parents I walked out the door only to remember I left my phone in the kitchen. I open the door and see my parents dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38108

You deserved it

14033

Favorite

By Lovesucks - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2719

You deserved it

248

Favorite

By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21466

You deserved it

67397

Favorite

By chumman - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57994

You deserved it

20846

Favorite

By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26119

You deserved it

4281

Favorite

By giantsfan2010 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18473

You deserved it

28535

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40521

You deserved it

13491

Favorite

By EllieS9311 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30455

You deserved it

3048

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32878

You deserved it

15730

Favorite

By Jeff

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks

653

You deserved it

2754

Favorite

By Burnt - United States

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10724

You deserved it

60853

Favorite

By not the scalpel - United States - Paso Robles

Weird

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30476

You deserved it

3064

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after volunteering all day at the homeless shelter, I was mugged on my way to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35887

You deserved it

3552

Favorite

By Noname - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52577

You deserved it

2798

Favorite

By boardman - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69271

You deserved it

4936

Favorite

By Molly Lee - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Stay safe

Today, after going to the ophthalmologist, I got some really cute glasses. When I got home, my dad saw them and told me that when he was in high school, they called girls with those glasses BC. When I asked what BC stood for, he said, "Birth control." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1035

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By humbug - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30394

You deserved it

5584

Favorite

By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32930

You deserved it

2735

Favorite

By savanna - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34215

You deserved it

4576

Favorite

By Whoneedsgradschool

Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7433

You deserved it

280

Favorite

By last night king

Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

908

You deserved it

2777

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50584

You deserved it

4281

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43163

You deserved it

4204

Favorite

By Crash44

Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1910

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By scared shitless in ohio - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43716

You deserved it

5504

Favorite

By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

433

Favorite

By BrokeBride - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44329

You deserved it

3316

Favorite

By Aisu - United States

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55723

You deserved it

3049

Favorite

By stutterernotschizophrenic

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26691

You deserved it

2966

Favorite

By riiiighhhttttt - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43592

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35129

You deserved it

6087

Favorite

By ukfan - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31337

You deserved it

5048

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30873

You deserved it

2623

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML

I agree, your life sucks

72756

You deserved it

30019

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I spent my first day with my parents for the first time in a year as I've been away at university. My dad went to work, and my mum spent the whole day playing mahjong with her friends as they all told me "how fat I've gotten" and how "boys won't like it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

14678

You deserved it

1291

Favorite

By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9510

You deserved it

93264

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

608

You deserved it

1953

Favorite

By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47924

You deserved it

4013

Favorite

By Matt - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I got a new dentist who started out a conversation about school. She asked where I went to school and if I liked my principal. After I told her I thought he was full of himself, she said she was married to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38740

You deserved it

9891

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

COMMENTS

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

Hanban | 0

#881745 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:28

At least he really didn't show his talent in farting...

im2good25 | 0

#881759 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:34

hero

kolly38 | 0

#881900 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:59

YDI FOR GOING ON A BLIND DATE. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NOT GOOD AT CINVERSATION SO HE WAS HAVING A LITTLE FUN. YOU NEED TO SMARTEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY NOT TRY TALKING IN YOUR OWN VOICES HUH?!!!!!!!!!!!!?! THINK ABOUT IT!!

Elamdri | 0

#882014 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:52

Oh dear...

_swimcutie_ | 0

#882205 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:53

ewwwwwwww...run as far as you possibly can!! :(

jskains | 6

#882207 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:54

Why are you giving advice when you can't type without the caps lock on or even spell?

inconvienentgurl | 0

#882403 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:35

Well clearly you need to tell your friend either they don't know you that well or they have terrible taste in guys (for themselves or you) or if you messed up and they wanted revenge?!?!

WhatANoob | 0

#883777 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 2:29

Sexy.

crazycornn | 0

#884236 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:43

who the hell us droopy?

prince_harry | 0

#1242555 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:11

We hope.

By mysterycindy | 0

#881679 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

lol

By seadrick | 2

#881681 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

how do you deserve that? it's a *blind* date! ppl are retarded

taylorbear3397 | 0

#881715 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

ya seriously you should have thought that maybe ur friend was messing with you

marc33 | 0

#882111 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:45

OMG... u just got punked..! like that?! lol

By emo_fail_child | 0

#881690 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

ew >.<

By DrDiamond | 0

#881692 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

this sounds like my cousin nicknamed ducky.... that would be weird if it was him =)

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

Serec | 0

#881814 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:12

HA!

doink | 0

#881846 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:46

Bravo! Encore!

It made me laugh out loud.

alexxss_fml | 10

#1029955 - Monday 14 June 2010 4:36

lol good one.

By greenbass94 | 0

#881714 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

Sounds like either your really ugly or this guy knows how to party.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#881871 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:20

what in the name of german alternative rock group falco are you talking about?!

pasiphae9 | 5

#882598 - Monday 22 February 2010 18:47

What a super-special-awesome-sounding date.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882618 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:00

screw the rules he has money!

By astro2 | 0

#881716 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

the two idiots above me are morons

anyhoo i get the voices, his trying to make u laugh, us guys believe its the best way into your heart i.e be lovable

but farts? dude is either retarted OR your friend pranked him with bad advice and that guy was just an innocent nooby with no dating experience listening to anything that helped.

By GiganTronic | 0

#881718 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:17

OBVIOUSLY by "blind date", OP means "abduction and subsequent basement being-tied-to-a-chair session". So OP was OBVIOUSLY tied to her chair the whole time, chewing at her ball gag in vain. Jeez.

By DaniLupin | 0

#881727 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:20

O.o Who's droopy?

Snow_Daisy | 7

#882514 - Monday 22 February 2010 17:37

that's what I was wonderin..

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882622 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:03

foolish fools! he is like a silent dogbert, less cynical maybe...