Love: Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy...

By Court - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

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Love

I'll get right on it, chief

On a leash

Ideal first date

By needanewride - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

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By yourfault - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By oh, good - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By iAMloud - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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By NonBelieber - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

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By Weldingtags - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By thesadone - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

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By rejectedprobably - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By AboutToGoKillBillOnSomeone - Australia - Newport

Today, I finally got my wedding photos in the mail. As I looked through them, I soon realized that the lace material on my wedding dress was completely see-through in the sunlight, and my bra and panties were visible in every single outdoor photo. I had an outdoor wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 20:01

Twinned

Today, I realized my boyfriend is a little too much like my ex, who passed away 6 years ago. Some days, it's as if I'm dating his personality doppleganger. FML

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By skid kid - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

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By - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Our secretive

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

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By Glassless

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

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By thirdwheel - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

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By firstdategonebad - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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By Not true - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

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By asparagus piss - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesboro

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

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By Kohsukeff - 7/12/2020 08:02 - United States - Gig Harbor

My life is average

Today, as a single, 24-year old college graduate working temp jobs outside his field, the only thing I look forward to in my day is what I get to eat for dinner. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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By pass me the fucking rope - United States - Brooklyn

Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

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By Bullet dodged - 20/2/2021 00:59 - United Kingdom

Get out while you still can

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding out of the blue. After a long discussion about it, it turns out that last week I voiced an opinion about the wedding she didn’t agree with, and doesn’t want to spend her life married to someone who’s going to argue with her every five minutes. FML

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Top comments

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

COMMENTS

By DrMonstar | 0

#881678 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:05

Lol the cartoon voices would be pretty cool, but the fart talk is pretty gross.

Hanban | 0

#881745 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:28

At least he really didn't show his talent in farting...

im2good25 | 0

#881759 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:34

hero

kolly38 | 0

#881900 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:59

YDI FOR GOING ON A BLIND DATE. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NOT GOOD AT CINVERSATION SO HE WAS HAVING A LITTLE FUN. YOU NEED TO SMARTEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY NOT TRY TALKING IN YOUR OWN VOICES HUH?!!!!!!!!!!!!?! THINK ABOUT IT!!

Elamdri | 0

#882014 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:52

Oh dear...

_swimcutie_ | 0

#882205 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:53

ewwwwwwww...run as far as you possibly can!! :(

jskains | 6

#882207 - Monday 22 February 2010 14:54

Why are you giving advice when you can't type without the caps lock on or even spell?

inconvienentgurl | 0

#882403 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:35

Well clearly you need to tell your friend either they don't know you that well or they have terrible taste in guys (for themselves or you) or if you messed up and they wanted revenge?!?!

WhatANoob | 0

#883777 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 2:29

Sexy.

crazycornn | 0

#884236 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 4:43

who the hell us droopy?

prince_harry | 0

#1242555 - Sunday 15 August 2010 2:11

We hope.

By mysterycindy | 0

#881679 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

lol

By seadrick | 2

#881681 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:06

how do you deserve that? it's a *blind* date! ppl are retarded

taylorbear3397 | 0

#881715 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

ya seriously you should have thought that maybe ur friend was messing with you

marc33 | 0

#882111 - Monday 22 February 2010 13:45

OMG... u just got punked..! like that?! lol

By emo_fail_child | 0

#881690 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

ew >.<

By DrDiamond | 0

#881692 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:08

this sounds like my cousin nicknamed ducky.... that would be weird if it was him =)

By DGross | 8

#881700 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:11

I wonder if he was a smart fellow...

... and you were a fart smeller

oh how I amuse myself at 3am

Serec | 0

#881814 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:12

HA!

doink | 0

#881846 - Monday 22 February 2010 10:46

Bravo! Encore!

It made me laugh out loud.

alexxss_fml | 10

#1029955 - Monday 14 June 2010 4:36

lol good one.

By greenbass94 | 0

#881714 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

Sounds like either your really ugly or this guy knows how to party.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#881871 - Monday 22 February 2010 11:20

what in the name of german alternative rock group falco are you talking about?!

pasiphae9 | 5

#882598 - Monday 22 February 2010 18:47

What a super-special-awesome-sounding date.

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882618 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:00

screw the rules he has money!

By astro2 | 0

#881716 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:16

the two idiots above me are morons

anyhoo i get the voices, his trying to make u laugh, us guys believe its the best way into your heart i.e be lovable

but farts? dude is either retarted OR your friend pranked him with bad advice and that guy was just an innocent nooby with no dating experience listening to anything that helped.

By GiganTronic | 0

#881718 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:17

OBVIOUSLY by "blind date", OP means "abduction and subsequent basement being-tied-to-a-chair session". So OP was OBVIOUSLY tied to her chair the whole time, chewing at her ball gag in vain. Jeez.

By DaniLupin | 0

#881727 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:20

O.o Who's droopy?

Snow_Daisy | 7

#882514 - Monday 22 February 2010 17:37

that's what I was wonderin..

thoughtcrimeno1 | 0

#882622 - Monday 22 February 2010 19:03

foolish fools! he is like a silent dogbert, less cynical maybe...