Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

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Dangling modifier

Workaholic

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By fuckedover - 26/2/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By ayye_its_nikki - 19/12/2012 05:07 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

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By Benchthewarmer - 8/7/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

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By EosHelios - 27/2/2018 13:00 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

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By superconfused16 - 20/8/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

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By random guy - 30/3/2016 06:49 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By Jammy238 - 1/2/2010 05:27 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

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By L - 1/6/2011 20:40

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

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By thisentiretime... - 18/3/2013 20:30 - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By tired waitress - 25/4/2016 23:05 - United States

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

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By STFU! - 3/4/2020 17:00

Caught the bug

Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

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By ANNIEDBD - 23/3/2012 09:44 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

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By IcedTaco - 13/7/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By tracelee - 3/3/2009 09:22 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

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By maxthndr - 10/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By Whosthegroom - 13/5/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

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By shenmas - 8/7/2018 19:00

Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 12/9/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

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By chappedchap - 7/3/2016 22:47 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, we were notified that our office will be relocated. Employees can tag along but their wages will not be adjusted accordingly. The cost of living at the new place is way higher. I have to finish my contract and really can't afford to not have a job right now. FML

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By Robert - 13/9/2013 01:11 - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By sleepless - 25/6/2019 20:00

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 04:19 - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By Angel - 25/10/2016 20:54

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

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By ohsnap - 28/10/2009 10:14 - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

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By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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By Nate - 6/3/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

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By 5p4571k - 25/5/2014 17:35 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I was cooking dinner for my children, managing for once not to screw up and hurt myself. Then, while chopping vegetables, I accidentally sliced my finger open. The same finger that was still covered in juice from a lemon I'd just squeezed. FML

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By bastawhiz - 18/9/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

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By faeliality - 18/4/2016 08:39 - United States

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

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Top comments

By pocahontas888 | 2

#758091 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:22

I don't see how this is necessarily a bad thing....

By borabora1991 | 0

#758120 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:43

Now, it's one thing to color on a date. I mean, I would color on a date. But he didn't even converse with her while he colored. For thirty minutes they sat in silence. I don't think the coloring business is the main issue. I think it's just the fact that he ignored her while he colored. At least, that's how it would be for me. :)

COMMENTS

By sweatnut | 0

#758083 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:18

haha that's excellent.

Reply

midgles | 6

#4260727 - Thursday 5 April 2012 4:31

Best date ever!????

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6182879 - Sunday 25 January 2015 3:16

at least he didn't insult you on your appearance and leave like most FMLers experience.

By pocahontas888 | 2

#758091 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:22

I don't see how this is necessarily a bad thing....

Reply

pjfromok | 0

#758426 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 15:56

not bad, just strait comedy! Don't fret girl!!

Reply

dnlphm94 | 0

#758559 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 17:53

It's like thirty minutes of awkwardness. That is a bad thing.

Reply

bridgetoparadise | 0

#759661 - Thursday 7 January 2010 6:22

Something is wrong with your brain

Reply

Rockinroyaltyx3 | 21

#6673091 - Wednesday 17 August 2016 3:53

I don't mind that he colored, hell I would've joined in. It's just the sheer awkwardness of him ignoring her, that's the problem.

By Norwegian_Wood | 4

#758100 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

borabora1991 | 0

#758120 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:43

Now, it's one thing to color on a date. I mean, I would color on a date. But he didn't even converse with her while he colored. For thirty minutes they sat in silence. I don't think the coloring business is the main issue. I think it's just the fact that he ignored her while he colored. At least, that's how it would be for me. :)

Reply

cmillertime7 | 0

#758563 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 17:57

Coloring in a kids book is considered "letting loose and having fun?" I can only imagine how boring your life must be.

Reply

bridgetoparadise | 0

#759663 - Thursday 7 January 2010 6:24

You are so special.

Reply

corme_fml | 0

#760334 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:13

Coloring on a date to be funny is not a bad thing. The FML is that this guy didn't do it to be cute, or funny or flirty. He was either stupid or trying to avoid her.

Reply

ilovehim58 | 0

#1599680 - Monday 25 October 2010 9:44

you are a fucking idiot!!!...Jesus Christ what is wrong with people?!

Reply

DDbaconcrazy | 1

#3345268 - Sunday 25 September 2011 19:44

Good one

By marshmallowmouse | 0

#758101 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:27

How about starting a conversation next time - it doesn't always have to be the guy who chats YOU up, you know...

By Tealfishy | 0

#758102 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:27

musta been a "boner kill" night

By mknightt | 0

#758110 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:33

you should have picked up some crayons and colored with him :D

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#758118 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:42

Why didn't you color also? And apparently you didn't talk to him at all, either, or you'd have said "he ignored me whenever I spoke."

I hope for your sake you're quick to put out, because otherwise you seem like a boring date ;)

By Plow_Me | 0

#758121 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:43

I first #4 way to show her Mann LOL

By Gavik | 0

#758123 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:45

YDI for being ugly

By horrorshowsparks | 0

#758127 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 9:48

he was drawing a better date...

Reply

rachelmacivor | 0

#1941558 - Saturday 8 January 2011 6:17

Lol