Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie,...

By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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Kids

Rock, hard place

Cold-blooded old times

Superficial World

By 420SUX - 4/8/2012 06:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

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By done - 7/8/2018 11:30 - United States - North Las Vegas

Excuse you?

Today, after spending years volunteering at community theatres and being accepted into a prestigious university for theatrical design, my public high school gave me a scholarship. All my mother could say was "I'm sorry they wasted their money on you." FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 27/7/2015 09:25 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By Teeny - 9/3/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

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By laurwitharawr - 6/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By hlewrn - 22/6/2016 01:52 - United States - Centreville

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

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By Jakub89 - 5/6/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By usmcpain - 23/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

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By Bigfatfailure - 28/3/2013 10:02 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I got dumped during sex. FML

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By dsbass09 - 9/7/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By trustyourfamily - 14/9/2015 22:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss bragged to a coworker, in front of me, about how much money he saved on a project because he majorly underpays me. My boss is my dad. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 01:31 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

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By jellybean - 6/11/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

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By anyomous - 26/6/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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By idontevenlikehamsters - 8/4/2013 00:00 - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

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By AtLeastThereWasAParamedic - 2/3/2017 20:00

Today, I was walking on the sidewalk near my house when a car pulled out of a parking spot in front of a speeding ambulance. The ambulance swerved up onto the grass. Yes, I broke my arm after being hit by an ambulance. FML

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By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By missedfistbump - 20/3/2013 14:31 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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By argh - 1/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - 11/6/2012 18:16 - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By savanna - 3/5/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

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By ouch - 1/12/2016 23:38 - United Kingdom - Scarborough

Today, my 4-month-old puppy made a break for it as soon as I opened the front door. I had to run after her barefoot, in just my dressing gown. It was raining. I fell over, forgot to break my fall and skidded along the unsurfaced road. She came back on her own while I was was laid on the floor. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 17:30 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By Oliveisthenewora - 5/4/2016 05:55 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

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By whatthewhat - 18/11/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

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By tomedicalforlove - 21/2/2013 05:51

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

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By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By michellenKG - 23/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

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By EmbarrassedBather - 9/6/2019 00:00

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 18:27 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By Carnage23 - 5/6/2016 12:38 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By hungry - 6/4/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I was hungry and decided to nibble on some cheez-its I had in my room. After I had enjoyed some of them, I looked into the box to see how many I had left, where I noticed a lot of little black moving dots. Apparently I wasn't the only one enjoying the crackers. FML

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By sportskidguru - 1/2/2009 14:41 - United States

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

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By christiner - 6/9/2010 03:01 - France

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

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By Username - 23/7/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

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By anonymous - 1/11/2009 13:37 - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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Top comments

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#625076 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:52

At least he died with the sugary goodness of a cookie in his mouth.

By Mihir | 1

#625062 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:34

Oh that sucks hard...sorry for your creature

Comments

By Mihir | 1

#625062 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:34

Oh that sucks hard...sorry for your creature

Ajjas013 | 6

#625209 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:37

Lol creature? Sorry for your hamster OP.

abbygalee | 1

#625261 - Sunday 18 October 2009 4:37

ahahhah creature

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#625405 - Sunday 18 October 2009 7:17

not hard enough, evidently

Les_Paul_Player | 0

#626236 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:02

...can I have the cookie?

fatalkiss | 0

#823677 - Thursday 4 February 2010 4:34

lmao for some reason I love this comment

Gunnybear | 0

#981583 - Monday 19 April 2010 1:43

1

are you reffering to the kid?

pooponyuou | 0

#1153621 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 21:59

my friend microwaved her hamster after giving it a bath. she wasn't allowed to use a hair dryer but she could use a microwave!

YtotsDI | 0

#2375643 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:33

is it bad I laughed at this fml??? lol

By Ron_fml | 0

#625063 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:37

lol I remember I gave my hamster an Oreo and stuff it all in his
mouth

thefaded | 0

#625087 - Sunday 18 October 2009 2:01

It's a children's book.

00yoda4 | 0

#986453 - Thursday 29 April 2010 5:10

what's up with you're first comment

By Flymeister | 3

#625065 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:37

Aw, that's horrible. What made you think a hampster would just eat it? They naturally shove things in their cheeks to save food for later! Stick to little nuts and chuncks of fruit next time.

fatherpunk | 1

#625112 - Sunday 18 October 2009 2:26

My hampster would eat anything.

Ajjas013 | 6

#625215 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:41

Guys hamster. Not hampster.

LemonFairy | 0

#625287 - Sunday 18 October 2009 5:07

Well the way it's written says the six-year-old gave the hamster the cookie. I'm sure OP is smarter than that, but six-year-olds aren't quite there yet and will copy cute things in childrens books. (On a side note, If You Give a Pig a Pancake is better. :P)

JustAReaderOfFml | 4

#625294 - Sunday 18 October 2009 5:10

HAHAHAHA

bekahshae | 0

#625385 - Sunday 18 October 2009 6:55

Only if you put bacon on it...

iHatemylife987 | 0

#626701 - Monday 19 October 2009 3:30

ahahahaha

BeiberFever | 0

#998578 - Thursday 20 May 2010 7:01

mine too!!!

pu13 | 5

#1186228 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 7:38

will there be a next time?

By sadiesykes | 0

#625067 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:41

awee :(

By Incubuss | 0

#625068 - Sunday 18 October 2009 1:42

I used to feed my hamster Honey Nut Loop cereal when I was really young. He used to get proper hyper on the sugar. He died about a month after I started feeding him them..