By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 14:01

Poor little guy

Today, I showed my family my new pet hamster. At the sight of him, my grandmother, who I had no idea hated rodents, let out a loud screech, causing my usually docile hamster to bite me and piss in my cupped hand. FML

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Animals

Family

Understandable

Spooky

Surrounded

By Leo_RxXx - United States

Today, I was getting off of work, talking to my boss and I asked if I could get a ride home, since my usual ride was too lazy to come get me. He said, sure, but to be really careful since he just had his car detailed. I was getting in the car, tripped and threw my hot cocoa all inside of his car. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By TrueStories - United States

Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML

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By pregnantapparently - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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By damnbananas - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

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By Olz

Today, I received my 12-month diet plan from an online coach. It said, “Eat less calories lol.” I just lost £175. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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By terrifiedanon - United States - Denver

Today, I was at a house party and a guy needed a ride somewhere. Our designated driver, being the nice person she is, offered. I was in the back seat with him. His first words were, "Hey guys! I want to clear this awkwardness so… I once saw a 6-year-old girl die during a drive by I was on." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:02

That caffeine rush

Today, whilst getting ready, I decided to have a strong coffee. Followed by the runs. My hook up arrives in half an hour. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

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63952

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By Anonymous

Love is strange

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

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2014

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By iamamermaid - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

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By unlolable4321 - United States

Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML

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By Eeeek - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

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By Evra - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By thinner than you - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dunkirk

Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML

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By Zoey - Canada

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

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By my honest father - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By ouch - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By nohair - United States

Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face than tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

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By happybirthday - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

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By marisa - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

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By BigMouth McRedface - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 27/2/2021 05:01

Problematic language

Today, at my new retail job, I accidentally referred to white tank tops as, "Wife beaters." That's what I thought they were actually called, until my boss had to correct me. FML

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By quarterback - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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By ratherbealone - 27/10/2020 02:06 - United States - Phoenix

Life's what you make it

Today, I don't want to go to work because I hate my boss, but once I'm there, I won't want to go home because I hate my husband. I have nowhere else to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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50536

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By ItsFunnyNow - United States

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7976298 - Friday 5 March 2021 23:19

She sounds like she's a damn drama queen making a stupid show for attention.

I seriously don't like spiders but if someone is holding one in their hand it's not going to bother me...because it's in THEIR hand, not mine.

By bound101 | 7

#7976327 - Saturday 6 March 2021 3:12

...

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7976000 - Thursday 4 March 2021 17:20

Thanks a lot!

You got "Hamster Dance" stuck in my head again! Takes months to extricate. Thanks to you, it's baaaack.

I had hamsters when I was a kid. Nasty little bastards. Biting and always trying to escape. Your choices for pets are #1 Dog, #2 Cat

There is no #3. Any pets beyond the aforementioned ones are bullshit!

By Paul Storstein Anderson | 5

#7976142 - Friday 5 March 2021 8:38

I love hamsters, but their lifespans are too short. Guinea pigs make better pets, imo. Last longer and are more social too.

By tounces7 | 27

#7976298 - Friday 5 March 2021 23:19

bound101 | 7

#7976327 - Saturday 6 March 2021 3:12

...