Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom....

By ouch - 20/02/2019 18:00

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 616

Sorry…

Compromises

Men and their balls

By anonymous - 03/08/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 411

You deserved it 5 025

By FirehouseShowersAreGross - 05/07/2019 00:00

Today, I’m showering at a local firehouse. Why? Because our shower is broken and my dad refuses to fix it, or get someone to fix it for us. It’s been a year and a half since I've showered in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 836

You deserved it 155

By rainyday - 12/02/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 964

You deserved it 6 289

By whythebunny - 30/10/2015 18:56 - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 655

You deserved it 2 334

The road to hell…

By carlyalexia - 28/08/2020 20:01

Today, I was trying to do a nice thing and let my friend's mom borrow my car. I went to move my mom's car that was parked behind me so that I could get my car out, and then proceeded to back into my dad's new company car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 572

By JGarz - 10/10/2015 07:21 - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 231

You deserved it 2 690

Welcome

By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 20:01

Today, I had to clean out my husband's brother's room as he is moving. The room was filled with childish toys, mould and years of dust covered everything. Behind and under every piece of furniture were earwax encrusted cotton swabs, hundreds of them. Oh yeah, he's moving in with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 125

By Clumsy - 18/04/2019 18:00

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 346

By Kid Lacef - 31/10/2018 15:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 102

You deserved it 361

Truth hurts

By andthatshowitgoes - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my adorable 8 year-old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty and I don't want people to know I lied." FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 321

You deserved it 5 214

By NiquetChrome - 14/04/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 969

You deserved it 14 053

By Anonymous - 27/01/2012 22:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 744

You deserved it 3 386

By Mike - 15/12/2010 11:57

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 949

You deserved it 8 664

SK8 OR DIE

By TeenaIs - 25/10/2019 16:00

Today, I asked a random guy at the skate park if he knew anyone who could sell me some weed. Turns out he was a parole officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 2 823

By shrek - 29/08/2016 10:26 - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 364

You deserved it 2 047

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 918

You deserved it 9 167

By noxiffic - 31/10/2014 12:31 - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 305

You deserved it 3 131

By alipallie - 10/03/2014 00:36 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 067

You deserved it 7 040

By busted - 25/09/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a club with my friends. I noticed the bouncer looked at me strangely. Then he erupts and screams, "you're the bitch who caused havoc and £255 damage to the cloakroom, pay up or I'll call the fuzz!" Little did I know my 15-year-old sister stole my ID last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 783

You deserved it 3 248

Happy birthday?

By Not really - 19/07/2018 15:00

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 285

You deserved it 1 000

By Hum - 02/07/2011 21:50 - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 682

You deserved it 12 019

By Anonymous - 02/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 960

You deserved it 936

By galen - 03/06/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 893

You deserved it 27 660

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 706

You deserved it 5 992

By Anonymous - 09/07/2015 19:46 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 826

You deserved it 5 367

By justjoking - 17/12/2014 01:54 - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 645

You deserved it 7 789

By I'm donnnneeee - 21/09/2015 03:26 - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 506

You deserved it 2 413

By Anonymous - 29/06/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 692

You deserved it 12 506

By icefly - 29/07/2016 15:39 - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 342

You deserved it 1 068

By Anonymous - 22/02/2015 02:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has a beautiful daughter. That's cool, except she's 1 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 364

You deserved it 2 789

By OutOfTheCloset - 02/06/2012 06:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 12 928

By Anonymous - 03/06/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 559

You deserved it 5 557

By spitstopper - 07/08/2014 02:22 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 530

You deserved it 3 076

By Username - 01/12/2010 03:39

Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 085

You deserved it 62 180

By addictedtofml - 24/02/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 300

You deserved it 19 833

By fuckshitcockwaffle - 31/05/2013 14:59 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 480

You deserved it 37 457

By alek - 14/07/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. This wasn't so bad until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 723

You deserved it 3 652

By AustrianCow - 22/12/2015 21:45 - Austria - Linz

Today, I wanted my boyfriend to meet my parents. My mum introduced herself as, "I'm Petra. I'm completely normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 954

You deserved it 2 065

Anyway, here's Wonderwall

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 352

You deserved it 80 306

By Anonymous - 03/09/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 428

You deserved it 2 906

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Top comments

bl3ur0z3 17

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Wednesday 20 February 2019 20:05

Spaghetti? Not the sexiest food, but ok.

Bree Jeffery 2

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Thursday 21 February 2019 15:09

Why on earth are you usin spaghetti in the bedroom to start off with!?!?

Comments

bl3ur0z3 17

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Wednesday 20 February 2019 20:05

Spaghetti? Not the sexiest food, but ok.

jkjorn 15

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Wednesday 20 February 2019 20:07

Give the guy a break, he just mistook it for a meatball.

Ricky 3

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Saturday 23 February 2019 3:15

I swear to you that this was the funniest shiz I ever read in my life.

davidfong 14

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Wednesday 20 February 2019 20:34

Now go and bite his tiny hotdog

chickensheep 15

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Thursday 21 February 2019 10:56

Are you married to George Costanza?

zuckerburg 21

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Thursday 21 February 2019 14:06

Jeffrey played those games with me too. He used the same excuse. Later, he was convicted for murder and eating people....

thisisbutaname 38

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Thursday 21 February 2019 15:01

You don't realize how much strength is put into biting until you bite your tongue or inner cheek. Or, you know, someone bites your spaghetti nipple or something like that.