Love: Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he...

By alisaav - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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Love

Sorry…

Wake up call

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By rc2981 - Australia - Perth

Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By dadlife - 8/6/2021 04:01

Stuck in the middle with you

Today, I heard my wife and daughter arguing. My wife took away my daughter's phone and laptop for being disrespectful. My daughter screamed, calling her mom a fat cow. My wife simply said, "Yeah, well you’re gonna look exactly like me when you grow up!" Now they’re both locked in rooms, crying. FML

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By hungry - Canada

Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML

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By steph - Canada

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

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By amg85904 - United States

Fart are funny, period

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

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By Bladerunner - United States

Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By Not That Old - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By SpookyBiscuits

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

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By mollyeyers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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By Eloise

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Celewyn - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

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By samantha711 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By hdkgdkvdjd - United States

Today, I bought cupcakes from a bakery by my work. I took them home, at which point my mother screamed at me because she's on a diet. Hours later I found the whole box empty. Great self-control, mom. FML

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By lxygrl - United States - Phenix City

Are you?

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58 - United States - Redmond

Denied

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

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By Chlo

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By geena - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

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By thatwasmiz - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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By notrocketscience - United States - West Monroe

Dumbass

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By son - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

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By Idiot

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

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By seaweedlady - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By zlotytarasy - Poland

Today, I accepted a great job offer I've been working months to earn so I can continue to live with my fiancé here in Poland. I just found out that my work visa was denied. Now I have to fly home to Canada and reapply before coming back. This takes a month. My new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By beckzx58 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML

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By DarkDolly - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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By peteto818 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, my boyfriend jokingly said that if I didn't pass my exam, he wouldn't have sex with me for a month. I failed it, and now he thinks I did it on purpose. FML

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By The Towel Molester - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

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By ...... - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

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By Cob - United States

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, a guy I've liked for a while asked if he could talk to me during break. He'd never done that before, so I was excited and said yes. As soon as we both sat down, he asked if I'd help him get a date with my best friend. FML

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By PlsForget - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

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By Hm - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By Pepe - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6031140 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:19

Let's just hope he's a vampire.

By baseballbv | 17

#6031142 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

Cover your mouth with your hand like you're smiling shyly. It's cute.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6031140 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:19

Let's just hope he's a vampire.

baseballbv | 17

#6031147 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

Hopefully not the Edward Cullen type...

Welshite | 39

#6031151 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:25

Edward Cullen doesn't deserve to be called a vampire. He was just a long-lived carnivore with a fondness of glitter.

cakefete2 | 30

#6031154 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:27

I'd call him a fairy, but that would be degrading to Tinkerbell.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6031332 - Friday 8 August 2014 22:16

You can't really liken him to anything without insulting the other.

MrConcise | 34

#6031337 - Friday 8 August 2014 22:25

He was ashamed of his glitteriness, he didn't like it.

Let's just say he was fond of teen angst despite being ancient.

By baseballbv | 17

#6031142 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

Cover your mouth with your hand like you're smiling shyly. It's cute.

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6031171 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:39

Seriously! Damn girl... use some chap stick!

feven | 32

#6031276 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:37

Or just lick ur lips. That's pretty seductive

By jeffandjeff | 22

#6031143 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

That bites.

By hacksaw246 | 24

#6031144 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

Sorry Op.. But haven't people learned by now that everytime you flirt it winds up on FML

By littlekellilee | 45

#6031145 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

You're a damsel in distress now. I hope he came over and helped!

By Arathis | 19

#6031148 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:24

I guess that was a bloody mistake haha... I'm not British.

DogeMan | 14

#6031266 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:27

Lol ur squirtle pic like like he's a pedifile

stevothedevo | 25

#6087814 - Sunday 12 October 2014 19:54

#33 that genuinely made me laugh.. for some fucked up reason.

By cailey1234567890 | 24

#6031149 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:24

Well thats unfortunate

By tony1891 | 22

#6031152 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:25

you're a biter then huh? kinky

By demonhunter3220 | 14

#6031153 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:26

Ooohh shoulda gone with the hair flip. Less blood that way... XD

marcranger | 28

#6031199 - Friday 8 August 2014 19:25

OP would've likely managed to give herself a black eye.

By RusticChick | 27

#6031155 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:28

Ouch.. How does one bite themselves that hard when trying to be cute? Cute biting is more like a soft bite/nibble.

LowExpectations | 30

#6031161 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:33

OP was just too busy... Being delicious.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6031371 - Friday 8 August 2014 23:09

I agree, I don't think I could draw blood if I wanted to, it would be too painful. I don't understand how she but her lip that hard just trying to be cute.