Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he...

By alisaav - 8/8/2014 07:40 - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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Love

Instadrama

Healthy relationship

A beautiful truck decoration

By EPICfml. - 2/3/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By joy - 7/2/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - 3/6/2016 22:14 - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By Juliett - 29/8/2019 19:00 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By Jpev - 12/5/2016 01:09 - United States - Huntsville

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 00:53 - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By skyhawk13 - 30/10/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 15:01 - France

Today, my boss walked down to my office with me to get some paperwork after a very tense, important meeting. He patiently waited while I tried to unlock my office door with my remote for my car. Twice. FML

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By whatdidido - 6/5/2019 18:05 - United States - Conover

Today, I was messaging a girl on a dating app. Things were going well so I thought I'd ask her to meet. She had listed hiking as an interest 3 times on her profile so I suggested we meet at a state park. She told me she doesn't hike on a first meet and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

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By Soundofaboner - 23/4/2013 16:08 - United States

Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

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By robot lady - 23/9/2020 23:01

The magic of love

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

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By Lua - 28/6/2016 17:09 - France - Laon

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

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By cheezmaster - 16/12/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 13:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 01:31 - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - 1/9/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By imawesomeokay - 20/7/2013 05:53 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 18:40 - Canada - London

Today, I told my mom about the rough time I'm having over my recent break-up, and how I can't help thinking about my ex every single day. Her attempt to console me involved saying, "Pft. I bet he doesn't think about you every day" and walking away. Thanks. FML

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By Fauxgeek - 28/6/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By fishyrael - 30/10/2019 20:00

The Rainbow Bridge

Today, at my job at a pet store, my boss told me to go outside and hand out flyers. I saw a man sitting on a bench and walked up, saying, "Hi! Do you have a pet?" He teared up and said, "I just put her down this morning." FML

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By fuauntflo - 7/7/2020 17:01

Thanks, I'm cured!

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 20:00

That's kinda handy!

Today, my boyfriend and I found out that we were cheating on each other with the same person. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 05:24 - United States

Exposure

Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML

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By prostitutes boyfriend - 21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

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By minac11 - 26/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

I am sorry!

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

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By sad guy - 26/4/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By Briscuit - 5/12/2013 00:00 - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

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By fuckface? I wish - 30/11/2013 20:29 - Australia - Diamond Beach

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 06:32 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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By idontgetit - 12/6/2012 23:39 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6031140 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:19

Let's just hope he's a vampire.

By baseballbv | 17

#6031142 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

Cover your mouth with your hand like you're smiling shyly. It's cute.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6031140 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:19

Let's just hope he's a vampire.

baseballbv | 17

#6031147 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

Hopefully not the Edward Cullen type...

Welshite | 39

#6031151 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:25

Edward Cullen doesn't deserve to be called a vampire. He was just a long-lived carnivore with a fondness of glitter.

cakefete2 | 30

#6031154 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:27

I'd call him a fairy, but that would be degrading to Tinkerbell.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6031332 - Friday 8 August 2014 22:16

You can't really liken him to anything without insulting the other.

MrConcise | 34

#6031337 - Friday 8 August 2014 22:25

He was ashamed of his glitteriness, he didn't like it.

Let's just say he was fond of teen angst despite being ancient.

By baseballbv | 17

#6031142 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

Cover your mouth with your hand like you're smiling shyly. It's cute.

angeluv_2014 | 22

#6031171 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:39

Seriously! Damn girl... use some chap stick!

feven | 32

#6031276 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:37

Or just lick ur lips. That's pretty seductive

By jeffandjeff | 22

#6031143 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:21

That bites.

By hacksaw246 | 24

#6031144 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

Sorry Op.. But haven't people learned by now that everytime you flirt it winds up on FML

By littlekellilee | 45

#6031145 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:22

You're a damsel in distress now. I hope he came over and helped!

By Arathis | 19

#6031148 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:24

I guess that was a bloody mistake haha... I'm not British.

DogeMan | 14

#6031266 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:27

Lol ur squirtle pic like like he's a pedifile

stevothedevo | 25

#6087814 - Sunday 12 October 2014 19:54

#33 that genuinely made me laugh.. for some fucked up reason.

By cailey1234567890 | 24

#6031149 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:24

Well thats unfortunate

By tony1891 | 22

#6031152 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:25

you're a biter then huh? kinky

By demonhunter3220 | 14

#6031153 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:26

Ooohh shoulda gone with the hair flip. Less blood that way... XD

marcranger | 28

#6031199 - Friday 8 August 2014 19:25

OP would've likely managed to give herself a black eye.

By RusticChick | 27

#6031155 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:28

Ouch.. How does one bite themselves that hard when trying to be cute? Cute biting is more like a soft bite/nibble.

LowExpectations | 30

#6031161 - Friday 8 August 2014 18:33

OP was just too busy... Being delicious.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6031371 - Friday 8 August 2014 23:09

I agree, I don't think I could draw blood if I wanted to, it would be too painful. I don't understand how she but her lip that hard just trying to be cute.