Love: Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night... - FML

By jimbop - Canada

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML

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Commando

Taking stock

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By BreechInEducation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By cat cat

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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By rogerusmc23 - Japan

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

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By Pudgymom

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

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By thats_not_good - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

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By o_O - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

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By yepintheladiesroom - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

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By vcarder - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

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By disciplinaryaction - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran for the first time in ages when I saw my bus coming. My loose shoe went flying into a shop doorway, and I tripped into the gutter. FML

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By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

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By camp - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

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By Pissy pants

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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By McChunky =( - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By James - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By ditched?? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

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By CheatedOn - Romania

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

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By soontobemurder

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By seepeezy32

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 02:00

Passionate

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

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By Luke - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By whymyliferose - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

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By Sam - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By fd_uplife - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

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By and somehow you have a master's degree

Good excuse.

Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML

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By RainbowSuck - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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By sourcandy013 - United States

Today, my 11 year old sister deleted me off Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

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By Taco Hell - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By turtle - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

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By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

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By fml9124

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

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By Crumpet - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

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Top comments

By bonafidehustler | 0

#223900 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:10

Yeah, this would definitely be way funnier from her perspective.

By redbluegreen | 40

#224012 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:30

Eh, I wanted to throw up before from smelling someone's bad breath.
But also, if you were both drinking the night before, throwing up in the morning isn't that difficult to do. Anything could've pushed you over, whether it'd be breakfast, noise, or your girlfriend's breath. Now, if you hadn't been drinking, then... FYL.
There's a difference.

COMMENTS

By tendollabill | 0

#223864 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

thatssomia | 12

#5877614 - Thursday 6 March 2014 18:06

go, learn something sensible O.o

Reply

rossea | 21

#6128029 - Wednesday 26 November 2014 10:37

HAHAHAHAHA

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#223884 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:08

Nahhh, f HER life, dude. She should have one, surpised she doesn't. Saying how you got sick by the thought of her loving you or something. Just explain or whatever. BUT I think it is a YDI.

Reply

george456 | 0

#790302 - Friday 22 January 2010 6:13

Yeah she should be here..."Today I told my bf I loved him. He responded by throwing up. FML"

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#884047 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 3:44

"today I woke up int the morning and told my husband that I loved him, he vomited! fml!!"

By xO_starstruck_xO | 0

#223898 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:10

YDI for dating a girl w/bad breath! & FYL for vomitting over it & she's your gf!

Reply

xoxotakecare69 | 0

#4012538 - Thursday 9 February 2012 9:59

everyone has bad breath when they wake up. this all happened the second she got up so of course she didnt have time to brush her teeth.

By bonafidehustler | 0

#223900 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:10

Yeah, this would definitely be way funnier from her perspective.

By Mihir | 1

#223904 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:11

FOURTH!

By dearViena | 0

#223927 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:15

#5- fail.
and big deal. i'm sure your breath isn't any better

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#223928 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:15

sounds like a great start to the day

Reply

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1149995 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 0:59

dude, your dog is awesome...

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2486425 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 2:42

agreed

By jio_freed | 0

#223929 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:15

#5 i believe you meant FIFTH!

By apastry | 6

#223933 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:15

Every time you kiss her, you will be reminded of this moment.

By Random_Idiot | 0

#223938 - Saturday 23 May 2009 23:16

i think i saw the girls fml of this a day or two ago... but maybe my immagination is just acting up. Anyone else remember that?