Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into... - FML

By Anonymous - 08/07/2013 15:15 - Canada - Markham

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 587

You deserved it 3 516

Sorry…

Vulture

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Baby fever

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 14:02

Today, it's the fifth long-term boyfriend I’ve dumped because I want to be a mother but they didn’t want to be fathers. In fact, the last one laughed in my face and told me he’d be willing to get a cat, because cats require less effort than dogs, and don’t interrupt his PS4 time after work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 428

Double header

By I hope you fucking die, you pussy!!!! - 17/06/2021 08:01

Today, I drove to return a PC that my former company lent me to work at home, because I quit that job so won't be working there anymore. On my way to the office, I was robbed of both my car and the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 57

By Noname - 21/02/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 103

You deserved it 58 179

By nootnoot - 10/05/2016 06:33 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 637

You deserved it 1 457

By asleepinclass - 16/03/2009 17:18 - Poland

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139 754

You deserved it 40 085

Malding

By ptwm - 25/01/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 547

You deserved it 2 921

By Embarrassed - 22/08/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 709

You deserved it 4 325

By BigDreamer - 09/02/2019 02:00

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 234

By tsukinoie - 02/02/2014 06:33 - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 551

You deserved it 6 842

By alternativefacts - 10/07/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 1 195

By Shelby - 14/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 204

By Hopeless - 04/12/2018 13:00 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 440

You deserved it 262

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

By 552220000 - 14/06/2019 22:00

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 353

You deserved it 490

By imahater07 - 25/12/2015 06:28

Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 157

You deserved it 1 682

By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 19:56 - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 881

You deserved it 6 080

Feeders

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 23:01

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, after he intentionally made me fat so that I wouldn't leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 870

By can't wait to go home - 10/06/2016 19:18 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 212

You deserved it 1 970

By those_allergies - 12/05/2013 05:20 - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 228

You deserved it 4 307

By ohmylantis - 04/05/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 152

You deserved it 3 714

By dammit - 10/08/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 303

You deserved it 4 366

By NoColor - 29/10/2014 13:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 438

You deserved it 4 280

By nutsucker - 08/03/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 425

You deserved it 10 843

Serial killer

By bananapie69 - 29/05/2020 23:00

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 957

By UglyFace - 30/11/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 166

You deserved it 2 635

Be prepared

By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 19:58

Today, I'm in Ibiza. My period came early and had nothing but face masks to use as sanitary towels. Then, the closest thing to period knickers I could find was in a souvenir shop, which on the arse reads, "What happens in Ibiza belongs in Ibiza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 276

By Nick - 22/08/2010 23:33 - France

Today, I got tased, with the same taser I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 953

You deserved it 8 236

How d'you think?

By Anonymous - 02/04/2020 02:00

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 10:51 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 2 322

By sproket - 11/04/2011 23:37

Today, the maintenance man 'fixed' a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 089

You deserved it 2 664

By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 244

You deserved it 8 650

Sorry mate, you're on your own

By LivingBroke - 21/08/2017 20:01

Today, I signed the lease for a flat that a mate and I decided to move into. About five minutes after leaving the renting agency, I received a text from my mate saying he couldn't move in with me after all. I am now the happy tenant of a large inner city flat that I can't afford. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 098

You deserved it 460

By MyLife - 06/02/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 472

You deserved it 2 615

By pontwa - 23/08/2015 13:45 - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 119

You deserved it 1 891

Mix and match

By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:01

Today, as I was getting ready for church, I couldn't decide between my black or white shoes. I put one of each on, then my son started crying. Fast forward, I'm at church, I look down and I'm wearing one white shoe and one black shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 321

Sliced and diced

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 192

By kawood - 30/03/2012 11:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 409

You deserved it 3 091

By nuerrotticc - 06/01/2011 08:58

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 483

You deserved it 6 690

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 16:25 - United States - Iowa City

Spicy

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 550

You deserved it 18 581

By Mary - 04/12/2011 22:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 865

You deserved it 4 058

By smiler - 17/03/2010 16:59 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 482

You deserved it 5 643

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

QueenOrangeSoda 21

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:53

With such primitive uncivility, he sure didn't win the human race.

flockz 19

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:05

that was the most elegant insult i've ever read. *golf clap*

Comments

QueenOrangeSoda 21

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:53

With such primitive uncivility, he sure didn't win the human race.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:04

Burrrrrn. Or, I guess an ever present fucking horrible itch that oozes like hell...

flockz 19

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:05

that was the most elegant insult i've ever read. *golf clap*

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:25

Damnnn lol *claps*

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 20:34

I was thinking the race of life.... but well said #1.

generalasskicker 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 10 July 2013 3:08

I fell like this is a double negative if you have primitive or undeveloped uncivility would it not be logical that you have developed civility? Regardless nicely worded insult.

blakesinthelake 11

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:53

That's terrible. Hopefully you heal well

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:39

You obviously are winning in the race of life!!

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:56

Some people just make you wonder what goes on in their head. Probably thought you were someone else but honestly, I would be livid.

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:05

Some people are really itching for a beating.

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 20:55

Or, at least, itchy.....

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:56

He must mean you're beating him in life's race, and now you're not. Being pushed in poison ivy is the go ahead.

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:40

Is the go ahead to catch up and kick his ass?

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:56

OP enjoy your swim in an ocean of calamine lotion while you contemplate what caused that son of an itch to such rash behavior. All your thought can only scratch the surface of his mindless pustular eruption!!!!

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 20:40

Good god youre comment is so intense! lol

avapaige1234 19

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 22:40

What intellect! Haha

Futacy 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 July 2013 0:57

38- *your

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:57

lol! fyl! damn ur look alike!

CallMeWindSock 24

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:04

Fyl... If only there was a button for that...

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 20:02

It wasn't a look alike... It was one of those evil doppelgangers again!

Futacy 29

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:58

Why don't you race him to his house and give him a nice, big, surprise, poison hug? If you have to suffer, so should he.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 18:59

Oh God there's no a-leaf-ing that itch. Have fun.

ElatedEarthling 15

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:00

This could be your chance to shine! Get poison ivy rashes to cover your whole body until its indistinguishable, then walk around as the crime fighting vigilante "Ivy-Man!" And when you find the guy who pushed you, give him a nice big hug... FOR JUSTICE!

Grimnirwher9 21

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 July 2013 17:56

Nice try, #9. Poison Ivy is actually a supervillain.

Send a private message

Monday 8 July 2013 19:00

Should've rolled around in it real quick then chase him down and bear hug the shit out of him. If you were going too get it already might as well have your revenge.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 30

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 146