By lifesmells - Canada

Ouch

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Season finale

Seize the means

By oldtimerclark - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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By holy sleet - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By ugly duckling - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

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By sh33zy - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

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By bruh

Unexpected

Today, I asked my girlfriend to prom. Instead of saying yes, she broke up with me. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By wrongtarget - United States

Today, I got chewed out at work when my supervisor showed up, because my coworkers told my supervisor they couldn't find me for an hour and a half. Why couldn't they find me? Because they'd left to go get coffee. FML

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By Aggie_De - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

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By curtain buyer - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

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By 99jellybean - United States - Rochester

Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML

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By Debbie3247 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

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By English - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to the movies. She replies, "Sorry I have to do stuff with my parents" Her mum calls and by mistake my girlfriend pressed loud speaker, the first thing her mum said was "Be back at 11". FML

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By TecheyTim - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By ohsnap - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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By honey soy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Forever Alone x2 - United States

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

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By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By kirsty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to a new deli in town. While waiting in line, I hadn't made up my mind on what to order, so I let the guy behind me go instead. Turns out he was the hundredth customer, and they gave him his lunch for free. FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By Big_gulps_huh - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML

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By Waterer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML

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By Ethan - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By gabbykinz13 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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By ByeByeBirdie - United States - Montgomery

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By Julez - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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By PinkMonkeys

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

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By nekal - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

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By Rowaelin16 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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By enderw - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By West

Today, I was promised that I wouldn't have to work late because I had tomorrow off for my birthday. My coworkers decided that none of them want to work late, and that I could do it. So I am stuck working late and have to come in on my birthday, which I had requested off. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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Top comments

By Seti_fml | 0

#345623 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:06

haven't you ever seen someone use a blender before?

did you ever wonder why they always had a hand on the top of it?

lol i hate to sound so mean, but you seriously deserve it... i mean really! thats a lack of common sense right there

By crazy_cat_lady24 | 0

#345711 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:37

You didn't clean your kitchen for weeks?

COMMENTS

By Seti_fml | 0

#345623 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:06

haven't you ever seen someone use a blender before?

did you ever wonder why they always had a hand on the top of it?

lol i hate to sound so mean, but you seriously deserve it... i mean really! thats a lack of common sense right there

Reply

the_elle_factor | 0

#345724 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:41

I agree.... Everybody knows you need to watch what you're doing with a blender. YDI

Reply

amandajj | 0

#346671 - Saturday 27 June 2009 18:07

Depends on the blender, really. A good blender, you shouldn't need to keep you hand on top of it... that is why the lid locks in place. However if you have a cheap'o piece of crap, then I guess you do...

Reply

mazuma | 0

#988164 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 6:48

what did OP expect?? now stop complaining, and go make me some dinner!

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#2589765 - Monday 30 May 2011 21:52

shoulda made him a sandwich instead

By poper123 | 0

#345626 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:06

Hahaha. Happened to me a while ago, and my kitchen was covered in milkshake for weeks.

Reply

crazy_cat_lady24 | 0

#345711 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:37

You didn't clean your kitchen for weeks?

By nobeans6131 | 0

#345630 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:07

hahahahHHAHHAHAhahahahahahHAHAHAHHhhahahahHAHAHHAhHHAHAHAhahahaha hes kool

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#346195 - Saturday 27 June 2009 15:43

He's not cool hes a pimp!!

By emmmilyyy | 0

#345637 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:08

haha thats fuckin laamee..... i hope youre ok. dump your boyfriend too he's obv a useless sack of bullshit

Reply

Dante167 | 0

#347338 - Saturday 27 June 2009 22:43

#4 How bout you take out the rag and calm down.

By Shizden | 0

#345638 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:09

Mine locks on then does it :D

By clutchcake | 0

#345639 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:09

What do you expect him to ask? If it wasn't for your utter incomptetence the man would be drinking deliciousness right now. Also, have you never seen a sitcom. Exploding blenders are sitcom 101.

Reply

ihatestupidppl | 0

#346191 - Saturday 27 June 2009 15:41

"If it wasn't for your utter incomptetence the man would be drinking deliciousness right now." LMAO that line made my day.

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#346225 - Saturday 27 June 2009 15:59

The man could also make his own.

Reply

thereitgo | 1

#346707 - Saturday 27 June 2009 18:18

lmfao I agree with #40. FML commenters are getting more clever by the day.

Reply

brynn18 | 0

#348973 - Sunday 28 June 2009 14:44

he sounds like a real fag, nice of you to show your one too.

By HockeyFanNick | 4

#345648 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:12

Total bummer... I hope you still made him one! If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

By FerrSureKatrina | 0

#345658 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:15

lol, thats great.
i would have asked that same thing.
:D

By laurenlovelyyy | 0

#345660 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:15

#4.
Shutup, geeez.

did he want a pussy juice smoothie?
;)

By AK | 2

#345683 - Saturday 27 June 2009 10:23

YD the first part, but FYL for the second part.