Health: Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury....

By Offended - United States

Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse's office and asked "Can I have some ice?" They responded with "Why, what happened to your face?" FML

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Health

Late term

Triage

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Unsanitary - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By Oh hells no - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

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By Missyangel - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By silverscrescent - 22/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom - Poole

Can't take my eyes off you

Today, I was babysitting my 8-year-old niece. I left her for 10 minutes so I could take a shower, only to walk in on her with her dress rolled up, peeing on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

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By abjoro

Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

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By only child says fuck you mom - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said: "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

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By wheresthelove - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

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By Elephant1718 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorktown

Today, I was home alone when I heard the carbon-monoxide detector beeping. Panicking, I grabbed my dog, ran out of my house as fast as I could, and waited outside for 3 hours for my mom to get home. Turned out the detector was just out of batteries. FML

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By WetWetWet - India

Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML

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By Cheapo

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

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By okaythen6 - United States

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

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By oopsididitagain - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By UngratefulBrat - United States - New York

Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML

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By 4lphab3t4

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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By Muralove - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By grandson of a p.o.s. - United States - Somers

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

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By losing the plot - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

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By leilei - Philippines

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

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By thewhompingwillow - United States - Springfield

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Asshole hornet - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By yeasty - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By erin - France

Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

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By OhBoy - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

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By LesToiliettes - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

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By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By Staples - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

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By Syrinth - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By MarBlu - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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Top comments

By littlec_fml | 0

#37950 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 20:18

no the ice is for that burn she just gave you

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#4337 - Friday 20 February 2009 9:52

i laughed out loud for that one hehe.

COMMENTS

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#3964 - Thursday 19 February 2009 17:37

That nurse has a PhD in ZINGOLOGY! ZING ZANG ZONG.

By MOOKIEizlykDAMN | 0

#4089 - Thursday 19 February 2009 23:18

poorbaby

By whattheeff | 0

#4173 - Friday 20 February 2009 1:48

[email protected]#3. thats really horrible though. :/

notsoanonymous3 | 20

#6146454 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 3:34

There is no #3... are you blind!?

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#4337 - Friday 20 February 2009 9:52

i laughed out loud for that one hehe.

By Lucicx0 | 0

#4697 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:09

hahaha cant stop laughing...sorry :(

By xxamanda | 0

#10460 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:03

AHAHAHA iknow this was hilariouss... but i was completely shocked when she said it to me hahaha.

& #10! thats true she is a school nurse... lmao

By HOLLAcaust | 0

#19529 - Saturday 7 March 2009 9:25

Well? What DID happen to your face?
;D

By NeverBAckDown_fml | 0

#28467 - Thursday 12 March 2009 19:15

roflmao!!!!

By littlec_fml | 0

#37950 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 20:18

no the ice is for that burn she just gave you

Perversive | 0

#728617 - Sunday 20 December 2009 18:04

I agree :D.

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#83607 - Sunday 5 April 2009 5:27

OMG hahahaha!!
She was defineatly saving that line.
Don't feel bad, she was probably joking.
I say stuff like that all the time, though i'm not a nurse