Today, I realized how exhausted I was when I mixed up my eye... - FML

By - 16/4/2019 20:00

Today, I realized how exhausted I was when I mixed up my eye makeup remover with toner. My eye still burns. FML

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By confidence taken - 23/8/2014 06:26 - United States - Bay Springs

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

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By Wmsys32pr9 - 30/3/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML

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By moe472 - 24/1/2012 02:47 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Nowajerk - 25/12/2011 01:15 - Australia

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

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By flaps - 19/8/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By Alli.M - 18/3/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By emselin - 18/9/2012 20:07 - Denmark - Niv

Today, someone brought cake to class. Trying to get some attention from the guy I have a crush on, I asked if he wanted my piece of cake. He accepted it, and then offered it to another girl. FML

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By fuck off, for real - 3/4/2016 13:26 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

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By Brea - 1/2/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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By Broke Bitch - 5/5/2016 21:48 - United States - Albertville

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

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By notsobig - 29/1/2013 22:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

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By mommabuser - 1/7/2012 15:59

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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By need2eat - 15/6/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 04:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my husband of 3 years learned that he's going to be a father. No, I'm not pregnant. FML

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By student414 - 10/1/2012 17:15 - Canada

Today, I went to my first class of the semester. After an hour of intense note writing, I realized I was in the wrong class. FML

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By beatricesank - 23/5/2009 14:03 - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By blaze - 17/2/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

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By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2014 20:30 - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By nahalDZ - 20/10/2012 17:29 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

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By Gabriela - 23/11/2011 01:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By TordNorski - 3/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By busybee - 10/5/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By nsJ - 15/7/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

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By ripped - 7/9/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2012 10:21 - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By anonymous - 6/7/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By lovealways22 - 17/7/2012 07:19 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By Female - 12/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By .............. - 20/7/2013 17:43 - Germany - Wadgassen

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

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By Justme - 30/6/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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Top comments

By QueenSaru | 27

#7794063 - Tuesday 16 April 2019 22:53

What? No seriously, did you like... pour it IN your eye? I use toner on my eyelids/around my eyes and it's NEVER burned/hurt. Either you are using a shitty-ass toner, or... I don't know what the other options are, actually.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7794019 - Tuesday 16 April 2019 20:16

Did you break open your printer for that?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7794019 - Tuesday 16 April 2019 20:16

Did you break open your printer for that?

By QueenSaru | 27

#7794063 - Tuesday 16 April 2019 22:53

What? No seriously, did you like... pour it IN your eye? I use toner on my eyelids/around my eyes and it's NEVER burned/hurt. Either you are using a shitty-ass toner, or... I don't know what the other options are, actually.

By Rosaluv | 5

#7795287 - Saturday 20 April 2019 5:37

have you ever ..felt so dead that you mixed up your eyeliner and your eyebrow color? yeah. my redheaded self had fantastic Black eyebrows. smh