Kids: Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth...

By Ohgodmother - 28/02/2014 09:06 - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 326

You deserved it 3 978

Kids

Our house, in the middle of our street

You tried

Kids is hard work

It's mine now

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 20:00

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 129

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

By Anonymous - 17/09/2019 14:00

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 135

You deserved it 81

By payne - 04/01/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 653

You deserved it 6 190

By that_culinary_degree_though - 13/05/2014 02:46 - United States - Auburn

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 293

You deserved it 5 120

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 923

You deserved it 23 945

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 146

You deserved it 3 365

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 361

You deserved it 2 544

By ow - 18/12/2016 18:33

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 616

You deserved it 590

By Camm. - 15/01/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 352

You deserved it 2 005

By Anonymous - 01/08/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 979

You deserved it 3 929

By yikes :/ - 22/05/2017 18:00

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 003

You deserved it 1 013

Bobs and vagene

By analeis - 25/03/2012 18:04 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I was vomiting after an evening of drinking. My boyfriend was kind enough to hold my hair back while I spewed chunks into the toilet. Apparently he got bored though, because his hands made their way down to my boobs, which he started jiggling while singing Jingle Bells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 799

You deserved it 29 448

By Anonymous - 04/09/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 049

You deserved it 3 488

By oops - 14/08/2014 21:54 - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 073

You deserved it 81 368

By charlotte273 - 30/06/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 184

You deserved it 13 858

By sparklethelette - 07/12/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 977

You deserved it 3 482

By imscrewed - 29/07/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 266

You deserved it 4 108

By gottaflossmoreoften - 13/04/2015 15:40 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 510

You deserved it 5 738

By sickmom - 21/01/2014 11:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 549

You deserved it 5 501

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 773

You deserved it 7 287

By Doubleyew1 - 02/08/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 352

You deserved it 4 873

Menace II Society

By can’t buy her love - 22/03/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 133

By apparentlyugly - 26/04/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 958

You deserved it 31 177

The void

By natasha - 01/07/2020 05:03

Today, my depression has hit a new low. I had to verbally motivate myself for at least an hour in order to wash two plates. I ended up giving up in the middle, and completely shutting down for six hours afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 250

By Kerkie - 24/01/2018 19:30 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 520

You deserved it 804

By Patiently Watching - 04/03/2017 20:00

Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 220

You deserved it 1 326

Bored out of our minds

By Maxx - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 809

You deserved it 22 641

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 10:52 - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 031

You deserved it 6 570

By Anonymous - 22/08/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 569

You deserved it 46 619

By Gemma - 06/01/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 622

You deserved it 3 060

Common passion

By ShowerheadGirl - 09/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 110

You deserved it 25 037

By kjcarey123 - 15/07/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 335

You deserved it 44 213

By confusedandnowsingle - 28/06/2013 12:23 - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 573

You deserved it 4 297

By iannie - 31/07/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 344

You deserved it 39 406

By mel - 18/01/2013 23:18 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 945

You deserved it 3 111

Spooky season

By soccerbuddyz - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 756

You deserved it 3 784

By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 357

You deserved it 1 810

Close

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 01:59

Today, my husband decided it's completely fine to walk around the house with his penis out in front of his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 126

By woahitbechels - 25/04/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 944

You deserved it 12 582

By ohmygosh - 21/07/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 622

You deserved it 48 596

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Top comments

allie2590 30

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:22

Well, breast is best.

AcieMcG 21

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:24

I better breast feed then, I don't want Hobbits

IllestRated 17

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:22

*Facepalm*

mylittlecookie 17

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:25

At least she didn't say something like, "Ten years of breast milk!" that would be awkward.

chabelo 10

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:46

or "12+ years of breast milk" = incest

falconjade 19

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Friday 28 February 2014 20:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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SmokeyBear420 19

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Saturday 1 March 2014 6:26

Thats not a comment... you might as well have said *fml* instead. WHERE HAVE ALL THE JOKES COMMENTERS GONE?

aimzskee 30

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Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:26

Could have been worse. Could have been 14 years.

allie2590 30

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:22

Well, breast is best.

thatnucca 36

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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toaster123 11

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Friday 28 February 2014 20:56

no, breast is breast.

AcieMcG 21

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:24

I better breast feed then, I don't want Hobbits

jazzy_123 20

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:38

That explains why I'm so short .__. my mom says I hated her milk so she gave me formula and I grew up to be 5'1 (I hope I did that right) haha x)

VectorFields 9

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:47

I'm a tall guy ... Makes me worry about my past with my mom. ._.

SuperCasual 13

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:36

I was never breast fed, and I'm 6, 2 while still only being a junior in highschool

asnakelovinbabe 16

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:55

I just hope that nobody seriously believes that breastfeeding is the direct cause for people being tall.

jazzy_123 20

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:55

sweet geezus you're a GIANT! lol

parism143 28

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Saturday 1 March 2014 4:38

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jkmartinjk 16

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Saturday 1 March 2014 8:09

^He didn't say he was special for being 6'2, he's saying that he still has potential to grow even without ever having breast milk. But good on ya' for lowering his self esteem. Everyone needs that every once in awhile.

falon142012 22

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Monday 3 March 2014 2:35

#3 I guess I won't breast feed then…I would love some hobbits! :-D

rebelwithmouseyhair 16

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Saturday 17 October 2020 20:17

Don't be stupid. A baby sucking on his mother's breast is a happy breastfed baby, nothing to do with incest. Grow up and learn to deal with it. By the way, she also changed your nappies and wiped your little pecker when you got poo all over it.

rebelwithmouseyhair 16

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Saturday 17 October 2020 20:19

Being breastfed is, however, the best way to get a super immune system, and optimum health in all respects.

Kiki242 19

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:24

I've always heard that was the breast way to find a child.

Welshite 39

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:25

Well, at least two years is better than currently nursing. Just imagine if she had run up, lifted her shirt, and announced it was time for your feeding.

evan_7899 28

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Friday 28 February 2014 21:09

FEEDIN' TIME SWEETIE!!

KacyA93 7

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Thursday 6 March 2014 6:52

I laughed so damn hard when I read your comment. (:

LifeAlertTwerk 14

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:26

Now we know the breast secret to success in basketball!

warsun 27

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Friday 28 February 2014 21:33

Slam dunk without a jump

Nilorak 24

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:27

Your mom is Legen wait for it.. Dery. Legendery.

syki 22

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:31

*Legen... Wait for it... DAIRY.

Nilorak 24

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:32

Thanks. English isn't my native language.

syki 22

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:34

Just saw you're from out-of-country. Lest I confuse you with the whimsical ways of English spelling, the word is 'legendary.' I was making a pun. :P

Nilorak 24

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Friday 28 February 2014 18:36

Oh I get it now. :D

rg350dx 29

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:34

Oh my god...You guys are being so...so NICE to each other. I-I don't know how to process this. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE INTERNET! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

Nilorak 24

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Friday 28 February 2014 19:43

Suit up!

syki 22

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Friday 28 February 2014 22:05

@34 Oh, sorry, I'd forgotten. @37 Erm, you—DARN YOU! Stinking foreigners, not getting my English-based joke the first time! And using 'e' instead of 'a' (which is a common mistake even among native speakers)! And—and speaking a language I don't despite having barely even mentioning it in front of me! LEARN ENGLISH! @34 Is that better? :D