Miscellaneous: Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms,... - FML

By SkinsCastSelection - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

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Out of it

Bullshit reason #874

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 14:00

Epitaph

Today, I asked my boyfriend to honestly tell me if I had become overweight. He replied that yes, I had, but that it was OK because I was his "Lumpy Space Princess." FML

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By Petergibbons - United States

Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines and inadvertantly eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML

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By Username

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

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By twinkie2 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 05:02

Stiff

Today, I had the house to myself so I lay on my bed with a porno for some me time. I was just about to begin when I felt a sting. A mosquito bit me right on the shaft. I’m allergic to mosquitos, so now I’m sweating, covered in hives and my knob is swollen in a very bad, not fun way. FML

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By ShootMe

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By tehaustiebear - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By smiles22 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By elaine - 2/2/2021 21:01 - United States - Denver

Are you a wizard?

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

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By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

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By Forgotten - Canada

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

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By malicemassacre - 21/3/2020 15:00

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

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By smth - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

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By bigdaddy - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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By evil - United States

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

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By zaktor

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

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By armtits and big pits - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I went to my crush's house. We were watching a movie when suddenly he started kissing me. As it deepened he began to feel around. He was groping my armpit the whole time but I was too embarrassed that my underarm could pass for my boobs to redirect him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I lit my beard on fire while trying to light a cigarette driving to work. I got fired from work when I got there because of my appearance. FML

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By lalalalainie - United States - Fullerton

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML

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By gassy

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

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By fml

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth... Everywhere except my head. FML

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By bumpyroad - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By apparentlyweird

Haters Gonna Hate

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

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By Fat_abott - France

Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML

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Top comments

By iburppeopleup | 0

#1979394 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:18

wow why would your mom even KNOW that?

By Kesler_17 | 0

#1979379 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:13

That is horrifying. Parents seem to lose all social skill when it comes to their children's lives.

COMMENTS

By vanilla2u | 5

#1979353 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Bobissmall | 13

#1979478 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:39

But did the other students know? Thats whats anoying me.

Reply

ReDsKiNsMaN | 0

#1980715 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 6:38

bob proble her friends... if she has any

Reply

FuckOurLivesFOL_fml | 0

#2690126 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 23:36

Justin bieber can't orgasm dumb @ss

Reply

angelabaybey | 0

#2738474 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 22:46

I think she meant Justin Bieber sounds like an animal in a blender naturally, "dumb @ss"

Reply

fuzz97 | 23

#5407801 - Saturday 16 March 2013 13:34

this comment and all its responses are fucking retarded

By hcovballer247 | 0

#1979355 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:10

Lmfao..sucks to be you

Reply

gr3ymask | 0

#1982743 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 17:33

ur a dude?

By Hiznacious | 0

#1979359 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:10

i look at my vagina alot too

Reply

himom12 | 0

#1979429 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:30

lmmfaaoo

Reply

LightningLadyy | 0

#1979446 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:33

You look like the kind of girl that would do that...

Reply

himom12 | 0

#1979523 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:50

yeahh Sarah?

Reply

ACanadaGuy | 0

#1979540 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:54

pics or it didn't happen

Reply

ahhitsjessi88 | 0

#1980156 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 3:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jewban | 3

#1980418 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 4:39

66- derp

Reply

tona01 | 16

#1980576 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 5:41

66 how perseptive...

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#1980785 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 7:04

win!

Reply

talktomandybaby | 8

#1982435 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 16:01

haha.lmfao.you LEGIT made my lifeeee:D

Reply

gopherguy | 0

#1987035 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:52

Billy Mays is dead

Reply

catscogggy | 0

#2004419 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 1:30

lmaoo.

Reply

sma405 | 2

#2398400 - Sunday 24 April 2011 16:39

YOUR A DUDE!!!!!

Reply

apppiiee | 5

#2942015 - Thursday 21 July 2011 1:12

You're..

By taoxyeuxmay | 4

#1979370 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:12

The horror! FYL indeed

By Kesler_17 | 0

#1979379 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:13

That is horrifying. Parents seem to lose all social skill when it comes to their children's lives.

Reply

maddehsaurr | 0

#1984037 - Wednesday 19 January 2011 5:12

I <3 nsn (:

By InBetweenDreams | 0

#1979383 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:16

That is so embarrassing. :/ Your mom needs a filter.

By iburppeopleup | 0

#1979394 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:18

wow why would your mom even KNOW that?

Reply

rockinroyalty | 0

#1979817 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 1:23

I was thinking the same thing

Reply

brandddi69 | 0

#1980281 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 3:55

OMG haha exactly

Reply

Mokiikom_fml | 8

#1980932 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 8:14

She might have made it up just to give an example that the class could relate to. It would be a dumb idea, but I could see it happening.

Or maybe the mom walked in on the daughter once by accident.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#1981296 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 9:54

Or maybe the mom suggested that the daughter do it and just assumes that she did.

By Doortje | 29

#1979404 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:20

Stop walking around naked with a mirror in your hand.

Reply

FrenchToast94 | 0

#1979955 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 2:01

or walking around naked with a mirror in her vagina :D

Reply

jpest17 | 5

#1982145 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 14:34

loled so hard.

By geepc | 3

#1979411 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:22

aww that's awful

By Jakojan | 4

#1979414 - Monday 17 January 2011 23:23

Shoot her and everyone who heard. Move. Change your name and identity. Get a sex change. Move in with a new family in a new home in a new country. Problem solved. Embarrassment avoided.

Reply

dayleno | 1

#1979773 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 1:08

This person knows what's up.

Reply

heathhawksrock | 0

#1980129 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 3:11

lol I like that idea

Reply

sparta98 | 4

#1980204 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 3:33

I knew someone here had to get the reference!

Reply

mc1993 | 0

#1980907 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 8:01

what a fantastically brilliant idea.

Reply

aford15 | 1

#1982117 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 14:20

smart kid.

Reply

DrillTech | 0

#1982472 - Tuesday 18 January 2011 16:09

Seems a bit drastic...