Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping...

By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

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Work

Honesty is the best policy

Who's a good boy?

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 13:32 - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 22:08

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

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By razzmataz - 28/1/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:18 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 10:55 - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 00:38 - Brazil - Itaja?

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

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By murphy22 - 24/8/2012 09:33 - United States - Norman

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

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By mandybar15 - 14/12/2012 23:52 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By really - 7/11/2014 00:30 - United States

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By BFH4Life - 30/11/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

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By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By KiwiBlam - 7/2/2010 09:19 - New Zealand

Today, I was racing some mates to the beach and I decided to take a short-cut by jumping over a low wall. I didn't realise the wall was to stop people falling into the stormwater drain. Which is 3 metres deep. And has razor-sharp oysters growing at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

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By anonymous - 26/4/2015 13:35 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

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By Diblo - 28/11/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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By NYeeerrr - 9/6/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By katie876 - 14/1/2012 13:34 - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

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By sadmama - 23/2/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

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By Grant Williams - 7/5/2019 17:37

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By kayla53 - 29/2/2016 16:17 - United States - Elmer

Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 03:25 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

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By Charles - 18/5/2011 17:13 - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

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By THOMASisMYname - 6/7/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

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By dollfacee - 9/7/2015 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

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By Failed Artist - 30/8/2015 04:49 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By AshWil - 26/6/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By ;)loganberry(; - 27/12/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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By blabla - 23/12/2008 08:57 - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 19:53 - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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Top comments

By jennaleighhh | 0

#19678 - Saturday 7 March 2009 14:07

why were you sleeping at a "very important meeting"? you silly, silly person.

By Saluton | 18

#191872 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 19:25

Well, Bruce Wayne slept at meetings too.

Comments

By pezadora420 | 0

#3858 - Thursday 19 February 2009 7:06

hahaha niiiicceee.

By jennaleighhh | 0

#19678 - Saturday 7 March 2009 14:07

why were you sleeping at a "very important meeting"? you silly, silly person.

Boomi | 38

#6688492 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 5:58

Guess they didn't get enough sleep.

By Saluton | 18

#191872 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 19:25

Well, Bruce Wayne slept at meetings too.

billyz77 | 24

#5313026 - Monday 7 January 2013 17:35

Yeah, and look what happened to him. He lost Wayne Industries.

By AnneFTW | 17

#203629 - Saturday 16 May 2009 18:13

YDI for falling asleep..

Ohnothingreally | 0

#608287 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 13:16

She could have been sleepy.
People's body systems are different.
Some people need more sleep than others.
Be understanding.

schrodingersdog | 4

#3586945 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 0:01

That's what caffeine is for

willumkongo | 11

#6469859 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 8:06

some people like me don't get affected by caffeine.

By Madman85 | 0

#211107 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 12:29

Wow, brilliant. I choked on my gum while reading this. If it's any consolation, I'm at work.

By CrazyTheRaver | 0

#216710 - Thursday 21 May 2009 7:38

I agree with #1...

Gotta spice things up!

By popoman | 0

#424635 - Friday 24 July 2009 11:43

I hope you got fired.

By sanahk | 0

#427789 - Saturday 25 July 2009 17:00

bach t3allam! lol

By railfan_fml | 0

#539719 - Saturday 5 September 2009 0:06

just have some coffee before you leave.

By RatIsKing | 0

#622200 - Thursday 15 October 2009 19:48

"well be right back after these messages from binford tools!"