Work: Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important...

By fitzy79 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

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Work

The other stage of grief

Pompous twat

Online classes can be tricky

By Kelly - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

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By Anonymous

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

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By 4_and_20_blackbits - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

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By failed - Switzerland

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

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By 1337fade - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

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By BrokenAndHurt - United States - Gilmanton

Today, my best friend decided to make some life changes. He got a new job, a new car, and asked me to move out of our apartment. We're 1,500 miles away from my hometown. I only moved all the way out here to live with him in the first place because he asked me to. FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By Anna - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

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By TLJ321

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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By Neanderthals walk among us - Hungary - Budapest

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By ab - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By Distracted - United States - Greenfield

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

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By Arrgh - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

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By Arcam89 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

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By no booze blues - 21/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Sweet dude

Today, I was cleaning out some cabinets and stumbled upon a bottle of vodka. Being a recovering alcoholic, I immediately flushed it down the toilet. When my boyfriend got home, instead of being proud of my victory, he bitched me out for wasting the good shit. That’s for the support babe. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 23:00

Working in retail sucks

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

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By Googlebug - United States

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

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By iheartmorons - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

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By Jeanna S. - United States

Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML

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By Thanks dicks

Today, I got naked in front of a girl for the first time. Too bad it happened when my "friends" pulled down my swimsuit at a party. Everyone saw my penis. I got a boner. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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By r u kidding me? - 9/6/2020 20:00

Whatthefuckaburger

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By afraidtosleep - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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By thedri11 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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By zitgirl - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By Dry

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

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By LadyLuck - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By MBC - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

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By Dani - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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Top comments

By Rizzen | 27

#5845135 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:43

your boss is a really irresponsible. I am sorry you got screwed

By xXKGBxBRIXx | 6

#5845142 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:44

I had to wake up at 4 in the morning to turn off my TV today if that helps

COMMENTS

By Rizzen | 27

#5845135 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:43

your boss is a really irresponsible. I am sorry you got screwed

LinkandSaria | 10

#5845185 - Saturday 1 February 2014 1:01

I hate it when "shit happens."

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5845301 - Saturday 1 February 2014 4:07

Not so important after all now was it? Stupid boss you got there OP. Not only did he say it was important, he was the one to oversleep. *Brings disapproving eyed cat to stare at your boss*

Kamon97 | 23

#5845319 - Saturday 1 February 2014 4:24

Welcome to the world of business >.

buttcramp | 21

#5845362 - Saturday 1 February 2014 5:22

I agree, #1. Hopefully, when your boss is deciding on who gets promotions/bonuses, the fact that YOU were prepared will be remembered!

Razell | 13

#5846129 - Sunday 2 February 2014 2:39

@ #48: mmm... not likely!

nurchok | 15

#5856316 - Thursday 13 February 2014 0:03

Agree with #71, in addition, the boss will get the promotion because no one at work will complain about what happened to the higher management...

By sevazilla | 21

#5845136 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:43

Lol get out of the job

Pesticides | 19

#5845164 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:54

Yeah, if you quit your job after any mishap you're going to have a bad life.

oreyoes | 15

#5845429 - Saturday 1 February 2014 6:05

You've obviously never had a job then seeing your picture and reaction.

SillyGirl4602 | 23

#5845544 - Saturday 1 February 2014 10:00

Op's boss seems very irresponsible. But it would be irresponsible of op to quit his job unless he had another one lined up.

By larrena2377 | 26

#5845138 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:44

Well at least you already have everything together!

colton_colton | 49

#5845298 - Saturday 1 February 2014 3:56

OP deserves a bonus or something for actually being ready!

larrena2377 | 26

#5845310 - Saturday 1 February 2014 4:19

Especially since it was so early! I'm worthless at 4am

By Bloodcalibur | 13

#5845141 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:44

Bosses feel as though everything they do can't ever affect the workers

By xXKGBxBRIXx | 6

#5845142 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:44

I had to wake up at 4 in the morning to turn off my TV today if that helps

By Bloink | 25

#5845153 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:48

I know the feels...

WhatsOpTic | 11

#5845350 - Saturday 1 February 2014 5:08

Just don't

By kyuubi1 | 14

#5845155 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:50

I think you need a better boss.

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5845159 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:51

ahh. its good to be the king.

Enslaved | 36

#5845484 - Saturday 1 February 2014 7:34

^Love this quote.(:
Fun fact-- even though this movie was called "History of the World: Part 1" they never made a Part 2. They only showed a trailer at the end of the original.

By YourBatteryIsLow | 8

#5845160 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:52

That is the kind of person who shouldn't be anyones boss...

By GuyNoOneKnows | 13

#5845163 - Saturday 1 February 2014 0:54

That just sucks especially considering you probably had to do again the next morning...

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#5846130 - Sunday 2 February 2014 2:39

Obviously