By Josie Stiger

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

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Triage

Empathy lives

Big bastard boss

By Unknown - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By that1guy - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Whoops - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By Discipl - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By shouldagone2work - United States

Today, while on my first day off in 2 years, I decided to play online poker. I won over $3,000. While filling out my information to get the money the power went out. FML

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By kraziikayce - United States

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

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By chuffberry - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By prostitutes boyfriend - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By DC - United States

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

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By hollysofly - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By Kelleee

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 23:01

I'm a mess

Today, I went in to return a pack of socks. The cashier told me I couldn't return them. Then, I thought that she hadn't given the unreturnable socks back to me, even though she had, so I ended up getting all hormonal and angry over their return policy. When I got home, my mom got on my case too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Dogs with jobs

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It just kept sniffing my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By Anonymous

Jinx

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said "check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

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By KingSnow03

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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By ihatelife - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

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By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By Semius

Today, I saved a young girl from drowning in a hotel pool with no lifeguards on duty. The girl's mother was too busy on her phone to notice what was happening, and when I called out to her, she started yelling at her daughter for going in too far. Never bothered to thank me for saving her kid either. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 23:01 - United States

Paternity test before the rest

Today, after always laughing when my mom told me to avoid dating any guy with green eyes and thinking it was some weird prejudice, she told me the truth. My father cheated and had at least six other kids. They all have green eyes and look alike. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

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By Still No Ring - United States - Lisbon

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 23/7/2021 22:01

Down!

Today, I tripped over a dog and broke my elbow. I'm stuck dogsitting for the rest of the weekend and he won't stop jumping up at my broken arm. FML

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By Mc2013 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By hoogimo

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

So compassionate

Today, my longterm girlfriend and I broke up after 2 months of me not being myself, due to repressed memories of a childhood trauma. Prior to this coming up, I was about about ask her to marry me. FML

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By yosmurf

Smooth.

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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By Lin - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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By footstuck - United States - Winterville

Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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Top comments

By distortedcognition | 17

#7891110 - Saturday 21 March 2020 6:50

I didn’t get anything ;). Take a breath, if they don’t notice you they aren’t worth your time, love. Trust me on this

By boogerjt | 6

#7891273 - Saturday 21 March 2020 22:02

Kick him in the nuts and when he can breath again hand him the note.

COMMENTS

By distortedcognition | 17

#7891110 - Saturday 21 March 2020 6:50

I didn’t get anything ;). Take a breath, if they don’t notice you they aren’t worth your time, love. Trust me on this

By boogerjt | 6

#7891273 - Saturday 21 March 2020 22:02

Kick him in the nuts and when he can breath again hand him the note.