Love: Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I... - FML

By mrdave - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

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There's no helping some people

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Great quality control

By kitty - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By cock sauce - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

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By contracted - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

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By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Are you sure you're OK?

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

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By yourwifelovesme

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By Gary

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a letter from the Navy saying that they accepted my application to join the Navy. I never applied. FML

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By birdisnottheword - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By guy - United States

Today, my entire family came over for Thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fistfight and only one cop car was called. FML

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By Shone - Canada - Grand Forks

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

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By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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By PrincessCrippled

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

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By Eyesore - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By fcnk - United States

Today, I took home my grandpa's ashes. I then went out with my grandma, leaving my 5-year-old at home with my 12-year-old. When I got home, my beaming 5-year-old opened the door, covered in white powder. My grandmother asked where all the powder had come from. She pointed to the empty ashbox. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By Katrina641 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 10:59

Tradwife expectations

Today, the man I love and who loves me ended our relationship. Why? Because I want to work 3 days a week, which wouldn’t conform to the traditional gender roles he envisions his future wife having. FML

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By haphazard2007 - United States

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

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By mysea8679 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 11:01

Suspicious

Today, I found out why I’ve been covering most of the bills and the rent. Turns out my boyfriend is paying a very expensive OnlyFans subscription for his female bestie. When I confronted him about it, he responded by yelling, “It’s not like that!” and punched our glass patio door, shattering it. FML

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By erphy21 - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

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By rollergirl13 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By Bridget - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

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By andy - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

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By lance - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

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By Grrrawrwtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

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By Singleforever - United States - West Hartford

Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML

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By Dansonn - United States

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML

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By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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By kayt240 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By CHStennis_4 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

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Top comments

By zach5 | 0

#367325 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:39

For the hell of it, call yourself. And call yourself a retard.

By Linda_NH | 0

#367264 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:13

Hopefully she'll call you.

COMMENTS

By iSmellNice | 2

#367229 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:03

Ha ha. Sucks for you.

Reply

narks | 0

#367600 - Saturday 4 July 2009 18:07

LOL I agree with #1 bad luck, hopefully she calls you!

Reply

MrGlad | 0

#370167 - Sunday 5 July 2009 15:22

Meh, she still has your number, right? Unless the world just really hates you...

Reply

abatstone31 | 0

#966350 - Monday 22 March 2010 17:40

it does suck for him.. what your suppose to do when your that drunk, is let her write it down..

By Kyothine | 0

#367252 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:08

Wow.

By Linda_NH | 0

#367264 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:13

Hopefully she'll call you.

By MaramaBreaksFace | 0

#367267 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:13

That's what alcohol can do to you.

Reply

fatalkiss | 0

#959262 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:17

ik right. hopefully you had your beer goggles on

Reply

fatalkiss | 0

#959275 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 22:20

and she really wasn't that hot. in which case, no disappointment there

By Rockey | 3

#367269 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:13

What's worse is that you were probably raped.

Reply

dinosaursgorawr | 0

#368557 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:54

lmao niceeeeeeee

By Dboy23 | 0

#367270 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:14

Sweetness! Lmfao that sounds like something I'd do.

By rafaelaugusto94 | 0

#367312 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:29

lmao

By zach5 | 0

#367325 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:39

For the hell of it, call yourself. And call yourself a retard.

Reply

mylittlecrow | 0

#369923 - Sunday 5 July 2009 12:02

lmao XD

By monsterhospital | 0

#367337 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:43

hahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhaha

By livingdeath | 0

#367348 - Saturday 4 July 2009 16:47

This is why you should always get the girl to write down her number on your arm and wear it around for a while. Then your friends if any will know that you scored.