Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for... - FML

By 3some? uh, no - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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Not now!

Misheard

Always ask for documentation

By screwedupfuck - United States - Lowell

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harker Heights

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By cantdolife - United States - New Boston

Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML

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By helper - Costa Rica

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 23:06

Dangling modifier

Today, I took my dog out for his walk, only to find out that I had an extra bra hanging vertically out of my pants. Thankfully, the only person who saw me was the maintenance guy, who looked very confused, so I just smiled at him. I had no idea why, I only realized when the wind blew it against my leg and I saw my shadow. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

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By AvengedSevenX - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

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By Coldsnap - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

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By Too fast. - Uruguay - Montevideo

Today, I got told by my classmates to slow down because I put too much pressure on them. I'm taking a class in accounting for the first time in my life, we are all over 25 and so far we are doing basic math. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to a cute guy at my house party and had to fart. Luckily, it was silent. Unluckily, he smelled it, thought my house had a gas leak, and ran to the basement to check the pipes and ensure our safety. FML

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By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

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By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By rollercoaster - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By wide awake - 31/7/2020 14:01

Noise

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

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By xxccruzxx - United States

Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML

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By hannahlorraine - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By Letteh

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By gnafron - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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By married life - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

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By oprahahaha - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

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By Lily

Today, I did a sprint in gym class. Despite being the skinniest in the class, I ran slower than everyone else, including two morbidly obese people. FML

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By notasgood - United States

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

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By Carpet cleaner - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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By 205 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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Top comments

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

COMMENTS

By lilhellian | 26

#5350516 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:31

3so.. Aww:(

Reply

LMFAOwned | 9

#5350629 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:43

Let me be the first to give you your well earned golden start for your original, one of a kind comment.

On a second note, OP, your dad of all people? It's just one of those fantastic face-palm moments.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5350633 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:47

I feel as if 1 were referring to OP's name.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350639 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:53

26 Yay a gold star!:D 27 Yes, I was..

Reply

xx000o | 27

#5351349 - Saturday 2 February 2013 17:53

#1 a male voice answering should raise a brain flag.
#2 just ask your dad to give him your number, then wait for him to stop laughing. The shorter the laugh, the higher the probability he will comply.

By masta1080 | 5

#5350518 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Ouch

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350590 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:09

Oh no are you okay? I have band-aids :D

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350604 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:19

He should learn not to fall down those stairs..

Reply

masta1080 | 5

#5350609 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:23

Not sure if a shot at me..or just random..either way..congrats

By Authoress14 | 15

#5350521 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Awkward

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5350611 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:24

You're an "authoress" and that's all you can come up with? How many books have you written this far?

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350636 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

Rly? It matters that much to on you the FYL app? lol I got nothing to prove to you or anyone on a social app for everyones embarrassing amusement. Thanks for the laugh.

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350638 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:51

and you meant "thus" btw

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5350644 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:59

Well, I will not be reading any of your writing if that's how you choose to display your thoughts. lolomgjkBBQ. Rly????

Reply

mbuck87 | 19

#5350665 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:35

Haha don't get too defensive 29...

Reply

AllieCat21 | 21

#5350761 - Saturday 2 February 2013 5:41

Why take the time to put something on your profile that describes yourself, and not follow through with it? You obviously thought it mattered enough to include in your profile.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5350799 - Saturday 2 February 2013 6:03

I don't understand why you guys care so much. Stop being assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350990 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:01

45- Welcome to the internet l, it's full of assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350992 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:02

Woops, no I

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5353419 - Monday 4 February 2013 4:55

She got butt hurt and told me to grow up. :-)

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5440002 - Monday 8 April 2013 13:18

She asked me to marry her.

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

Reply

poccocurantes | 7

#5350571 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:54

Read OPs name. I think it might be more like "yeah my daughter said you might be my type."

By japtap81 | 16

#5350532 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Next time don't get so drunk

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350573 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:55

At least OP didn't release her rath on a baby shower.

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5350542 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

That's Freudian slip was a little backwards.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5350543 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

I don't think that's the family member he wanted.

By emeraldisle | 30

#5350548 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

I'm just curious as to all the numbers you could have given him, why your dad's?

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5350634 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

All op can remember is the guy kept asking," who's your daddy?"

By evan_7899 | 28

#5350550 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

well just hope he dosent sext you

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5350656 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:14

Ok, that one made me laugh.

Him; "Hey baby, I can't wait to get into your pants tomorrow."

Dad; "I am sure you will remember it for the rest of your life. How do you feel about handcuffs?"

Reply

buddy51 | 23

#5351478 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Kinky!!