Love: Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for... - FML

By 3some? uh, no - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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Proactive

BO Central

Out of it

By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I said yes and he gave me an engagement ring. He immediately went to call his mom to tell her the happy news. After the phone call, he asked if he could return the ring because his mom needed money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By redcherries90 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By wasted_gas - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By faulty plumbimg! - India

Today, I got my period 2 days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML

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By whatever - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long-distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be getting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By taylor124 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

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By dontfencemein - United States

Today, I paid $5000 for a new fence in my backyard for my dogs. My dog escaped three hours after the contractor finished the fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 00:30

Infectious laugh

Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By Baddad

This is terrible!

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

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By kingmetal42 - France

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

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By down trodden - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

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By Dammit - United States - Long Beach

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By Robert - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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By mylifeblows - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By ojskyguy - United States - Pearl

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

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By Anonymous

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By 5minsolder - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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By LDL - United States

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

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By opposableouch - United Kingdom

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

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By Well then

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

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By Gamergirl137 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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By almostkilledmyself - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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Top comments

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

COMMENTS

By lilhellian | 26

#5350516 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:31

3so.. Aww:(

Reply

LMFAOwned | 9

#5350629 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:43

Let me be the first to give you your well earned golden start for your original, one of a kind comment.

On a second note, OP, your dad of all people? It's just one of those fantastic face-palm moments.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5350633 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:47

I feel as if 1 were referring to OP's name.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350639 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:53

26 Yay a gold star!:D 27 Yes, I was..

Reply

xx000o | 27

#5351349 - Saturday 2 February 2013 17:53

#1 a male voice answering should raise a brain flag.
#2 just ask your dad to give him your number, then wait for him to stop laughing. The shorter the laugh, the higher the probability he will comply.

By masta1080 | 5

#5350518 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Ouch

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350590 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:09

Oh no are you okay? I have band-aids :D

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350604 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:19

He should learn not to fall down those stairs..

Reply

masta1080 | 5

#5350609 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:23

Not sure if a shot at me..or just random..either way..congrats

By Authoress14 | 15

#5350521 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Awkward

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5350611 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:24

You're an "authoress" and that's all you can come up with? How many books have you written this far?

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350636 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

Rly? It matters that much to on you the FYL app? lol I got nothing to prove to you or anyone on a social app for everyones embarrassing amusement. Thanks for the laugh.

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350638 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:51

and you meant "thus" btw

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5350644 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:59

Well, I will not be reading any of your writing if that's how you choose to display your thoughts. lolomgjkBBQ. Rly????

Reply

mbuck87 | 19

#5350665 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:35

Haha don't get too defensive 29...

Reply

AllieCat21 | 21

#5350761 - Saturday 2 February 2013 5:41

Why take the time to put something on your profile that describes yourself, and not follow through with it? You obviously thought it mattered enough to include in your profile.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5350799 - Saturday 2 February 2013 6:03

I don't understand why you guys care so much. Stop being assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350990 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:01

45- Welcome to the internet l, it's full of assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350992 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:02

Woops, no I

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5353419 - Monday 4 February 2013 4:55

She got butt hurt and told me to grow up. :-)

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5440002 - Monday 8 April 2013 13:18

She asked me to marry her.

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

Reply

poccocurantes | 7

#5350571 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:54

Read OPs name. I think it might be more like "yeah my daughter said you might be my type."

By japtap81 | 16

#5350532 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Next time don't get so drunk

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350573 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:55

At least OP didn't release her rath on a baby shower.

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5350542 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

That's Freudian slip was a little backwards.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5350543 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

I don't think that's the family member he wanted.

By emeraldisle | 30

#5350548 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

I'm just curious as to all the numbers you could have given him, why your dad's?

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5350634 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

All op can remember is the guy kept asking," who's your daddy?"

By evan_7899 | 28

#5350550 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

well just hope he dosent sext you

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5350656 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:14

Ok, that one made me laugh.

Him; "Hey baby, I can't wait to get into your pants tomorrow."

Dad; "I am sure you will remember it for the rest of your life. How do you feel about handcuffs?"

Reply

buddy51 | 23

#5351478 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Kinky!!