Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for... - FML

By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Weird kid

Peaky Bladders

By HungryGirl - 24/10/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By yellowthumb - 3/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML

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By ugh thanks - 17/8/2014 16:40 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:25 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

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By ps3isbetterthanme - 11/12/2009 16:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over... and turned his PS3 on. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 15:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

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By BadatDIY - 16/11/2009 14:04 - United Kingdom

Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML

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By ktin - 19/8/2010 12:02 - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

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By jensoulstealer - 16/3/2020 20:17

The Omen 4

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

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By A bit cowardly? - 19/5/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

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By Jekyll - 6/8/2019 08:00 - United States - Norwell

Today, I decided that after three days, I had to cut short my hiatus from social media. I saw a correlation between that and my anxiety going through the roof, causing my work performance to suffer. I’m so addicted to social media that in my off time, I think I was having withdrawal symptoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 16:50 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By zzzgrady - 27/10/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

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By JoeyTheJedi - 18/10/2016 00:31 - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By shittyhall - 26/6/2017 04:00

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

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By soembarassed - 18/3/2016 18:26 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By jmove - 7/8/2019 06:00 - United States

One Word: Diabeetus

Today, I carhopped some food, enough to feed 6 people, out to this beat-up car. Inside were two huge ladies, who probably hadn't showered for a few days, sweating away from the hot weather. As I skated to the door, she said, "Hang on a moment," as she gave herself an insulin shot. FML

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By maddyUnderstood - 31/5/2019 00:00

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

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By Emily - 7/6/2020 20:08

What's the point?

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

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By catfish - 23/2/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

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By Turdfoot - 12/2/2013 20:15 - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

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By danielesnaranjo - 31/10/2019 16:00

Drunk online shopping FTW!

Today, after waking up with the worst hangover in years, I got a bank notification that my credit card was maxed out. Apparently, I bought a $1500 plane ticket for my ex-girlfriend to come over this weekend. She’s in South America. FML

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By birthday blues - 8/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By Lola - 20/12/2008 12:23 - France

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - 28/9/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By mother of piggies - 4/4/2018 15:00

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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By educatedreptile - 9/12/2016 16:21 - Canada - Yorkton

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline 2 months ago. FML

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By brutality - 15/6/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 07:18 - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By djshahso - 26/2/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:51 - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - 26/2/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 09:00 - Australia

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

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By cbarr98 - 6/6/2015 01:00 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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Top comments

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

COMMENTS

By lilhellian | 26

#5350516 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:31

3so.. Aww:(

Reply

LMFAOwned | 9

#5350629 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:43

Let me be the first to give you your well earned golden start for your original, one of a kind comment.

On a second note, OP, your dad of all people? It's just one of those fantastic face-palm moments.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5350633 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:47

I feel as if 1 were referring to OP's name.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350639 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:53

26 Yay a gold star!:D 27 Yes, I was..

Reply

xx000o | 27

#5351349 - Saturday 2 February 2013 17:53

#1 a male voice answering should raise a brain flag.
#2 just ask your dad to give him your number, then wait for him to stop laughing. The shorter the laugh, the higher the probability he will comply.

By masta1080 | 5

#5350518 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Ouch

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350590 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:09

Oh no are you okay? I have band-aids :D

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5350604 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:19

He should learn not to fall down those stairs..

Reply

masta1080 | 5

#5350609 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:23

Not sure if a shot at me..or just random..either way..congrats

By Authoress14 | 15

#5350521 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:32

Awkward

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5350611 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:24

You're an "authoress" and that's all you can come up with? How many books have you written this far?

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350636 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

Rly? It matters that much to on you the FYL app? lol I got nothing to prove to you or anyone on a social app for everyones embarrassing amusement. Thanks for the laugh.

Reply

Authoress14 | 15

#5350638 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:51

and you meant "thus" btw

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5350644 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:59

Well, I will not be reading any of your writing if that's how you choose to display your thoughts. lolomgjkBBQ. Rly????

Reply

mbuck87 | 19

#5350665 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:35

Haha don't get too defensive 29...

Reply

AllieCat21 | 21

#5350761 - Saturday 2 February 2013 5:41

Why take the time to put something on your profile that describes yourself, and not follow through with it? You obviously thought it mattered enough to include in your profile.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5350799 - Saturday 2 February 2013 6:03

I don't understand why you guys care so much. Stop being assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350990 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:01

45- Welcome to the internet l, it's full of assholes.

Reply

BlitheNightmare | 7

#5350992 - Saturday 2 February 2013 9:02

Woops, no I

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#5353419 - Monday 4 February 2013 4:55

She got butt hurt and told me to grow up. :-)

Reply

sigurd | 11

#5440002 - Monday 8 April 2013 13:18

She asked me to marry her.

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350531 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Guy"Hey there babe. Remember last night? "

OPs Pa "No. Who's the fuck is babe and who the fuck are you?"

Reply

poccocurantes | 7

#5350571 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:54

Read OPs name. I think it might be more like "yeah my daughter said you might be my type."

By japtap81 | 16

#5350532 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:34

Next time don't get so drunk

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5350573 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:55

At least OP didn't release her rath on a baby shower.

By pieman528 | 10

#5350541 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

Wow OP, the guilt over his death will haunt you forever.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5350542 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

That's Freudian slip was a little backwards.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5350543 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:37

I don't think that's the family member he wanted.

By emeraldisle | 30

#5350548 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

I'm just curious as to all the numbers you could have given him, why your dad's?

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5350634 - Saturday 2 February 2013 3:49

All op can remember is the guy kept asking," who's your daddy?"

By evan_7899 | 28

#5350550 - Saturday 2 February 2013 2:39

well just hope he dosent sext you

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5350656 - Saturday 2 February 2013 4:14

Ok, that one made me laugh.

Him; "Hey baby, I can't wait to get into your pants tomorrow."

Dad; "I am sure you will remember it for the rest of your life. How do you feel about handcuffs?"

Reply

buddy51 | 23

#5351478 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Kinky!!