Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
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Top comments
dmipotc 0
how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out
youaresofucked 0
OOOOHHH NO!
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Comments (222)
babawaba 0
You seem to have some... issues...
dmipotc 0
# 79 is absolutely brilliant! loooooooool
LunaVachonFan95 0
Aaaaand,how often does your mum rub your "very erect penis?" !!! lol
imkendra 0
I think most people being woken up before they're fully rested would experience some hazy confusion. There's several moments when you're still mostly asleep and this dude focusing in on his sense of smell during this time is not that weird.
alex_vik 1
Rape much? I bet if this was a girl posting and their boyfriend had been fingering her, everyone would be screaming rape -_- ******* double standards.
Coolbeanies848 0
sucks for you dude lol
jwsmythe 0
And that will teach you to say a name. You'll learn, your dream could have been about mom at Disney, or about a hot coworker, or even a hot chick on the show you were watching last night. Smile and never say a name (or relationship). It'll always get you into trouble. I've woken up with Jennifer Love Hewitt a few mornings. It would have really pissed off the woman I was with if I called her Jennifer, just because that's how it fit into my dream. :) sweetie, love, snookums, etc, are always good. Not saying anything, and letting her continue would have probably been your best course of action. Mom? Nah, bad choice. But you should both have been able to laugh about it. You don't need her, she has no sense of humor.
Dorri 0
What the ****. YDI.
The_Unspool 0
Oedipus complex. I can't believe I was able to include Freud in TWO comments today. :p You people have some c-r-a-z-y dreams!
hsm450 0
just be glad that it wasn't actually your mom who was doing the rubbing...