Love: Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After...

By vanguardwiley - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

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Love

Season finale

Serious times

Genius, definitely

By LonelyThisChristmas - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By mathhhh - United States

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

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By blabbermouth - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

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By cheese123 - United States

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter "who has never been kissed." FML

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By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By The fat and the ugly - Finland

Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML

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By blinkme - United States

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML

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By DUFF - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

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By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By mags - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By justplaindumb - United States - Des Moines

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

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40829

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By blueglover - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By a genius - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

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By vanorav - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By needanotherbed - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

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By shattysituation - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

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By hairplease - United States

Today, I brought my best friend to my uncle's birthday party. We were having a great time until my grandmother walked up to us and said to me, "You sure have a nice looking boyfriend." My friend is a girl. She has cancer and lost all of her hair due to chemotherapy. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

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By insearch4i - United States

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

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By Atletic - United States - Syracuse

Today, I have three cracked ribs. I have also, for the first time in my life, developed a case of the hiccups that simply will NOT go away. It's been hours. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

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By Ape - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By brad3720 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

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By kaitlin - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

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By FuckYou - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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8632

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By cndpost - Canada

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

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9796

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By Anonyme - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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25231

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By bluecollar - United States

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

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By Wellthisishawkward - United States

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

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Top comments

By nightngale | 0

#425213 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:26

Isn't it ironic how he tells YOU to grow up, yet he wants someone to go cook him breakfast like he's a little kid who needs his mommy to do things for him. If anyone needs to grow up, it's your immature, insensitive 5 year old boyfriend.

By ashole1990 | 10

#425145 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:08

what'd you make him? :]

COMMENTS

By Antonio718 | 0

#425126 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:02

Wow, tell him to go to hell and dump him

LookinLikeDrake | 0

#972334 - Thursday 1 April 2010 2:22

you shouldn't have been sleeping anywhere other than the kitchen so ydi

I_lost_the_game | 25

#3740144 - Friday 16 December 2011 15:13

166- stereotypical asshole

By abandonship | 3

#425133 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:04

tell him to make his own damn breakfast!

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#425144 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

russianredgirl | 0

#425311 - Friday 24 July 2009 17:04

insecure?

gigi37 | 0

#425476 - Friday 24 July 2009 18:17

No, s/he is referring (I believe) to all the other recent FML's that have been posted about a boyfriend jokingly peeing on his girlfriend, marking his territory and a girl that tried to break up with her boyfriend and he said no. But of course there are FML's about girls being just as ridiculous.

OP sucks about the nightmare, good thing it was only that and not real.

By ashole1990 | 10

#425145 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:08

what'd you make him? :]

FarSide | 22

#425236 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:33

LMAO

gizmo_987 | 0

#427248 - Saturday 25 July 2009 8:00

LOL, her boyfriend's my hero!!!

By mylifesucks07 | 2

#425155 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:10

I lol'd. So what did you make him for breakfast?

Ferretface | 13

#3717752 - Monday 12 December 2011 2:48

A sandwich.

By LeggoMyBrago | 0

#425161 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:11

What a dick! I hope you didn't actually make him breakfast...

By darkmis1 | 17

#425168 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:13

N/o, but he's an ass!

By tehukiso | 0

#425183 - Friday 24 July 2009 16:18

The breakfast comment might have been rude, but the rest of it was right. It was a dream. Recognize it as a dream. Grow up.

lacuna_coil | 1

#426359 - Saturday 25 July 2009 0:06

Yeah because you've NEVER had a bad dream before, right? I hardly have night mares, but when I do, they're realistic like about me watching my friends being murdered by muggers right before my eyes. Just because it's a dream doesn't mean that it can't be realistic. It's not like she dreamt she was a princess and her favorite dragon flew away. YOU should grow up.