Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet... - FML

By supercharged - 5/4/2015 18:03 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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Delayed proposal

Live dumping

Don't give up

By booger - 18/7/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By rattledwife666 - 21/1/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By Aciliveth - 10/6/2010 16:07 - Canada

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

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By are you kidding me? - 10/3/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 05:41 - United States - Spring

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By hoops - 14/1/2011 20:34 - United States

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

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By Me - 10/9/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By FastTurtle9 - 24/5/2016 20:10 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML

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By PumaGator - 4/6/2016 20:39

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 08:00

Wrong enemy

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

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By Username - 15/12/2010 17:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 11:33 - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

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By Jesse from - 3/8/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By Kathleen Michelle Cooper - 28/8/2018 20:30

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. This wouldn't be so bad if my son wasn't only 10 months old and my partner, the father of my children, hadn't been secretly seeing his ex wife. FML

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By IRum - 11/8/2011 08:45 - Russian Federation

Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML

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By babyeaternomnom - 30/6/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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By Noname - 26/10/2008 21:20 - United States

Today, while at the dinner table, my grandmother told me she backed over a cat. FML

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By Oops54321 - 28/9/2009 07:12 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By wvugirl - 19/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

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By karl - 10/1/2009 06:50 - Ireland

Today, we were out smoking a bit of spliff just walking around. We saw a place to sit down in this little car park we were walking past. The cops came over and busted us. Turns out we were in the main car park for the cop shop. FML

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By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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By anonymous - 29/12/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

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By sunflowercake - 23/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

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By edhere4u2nv - 6/6/2012 18:51 - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By Nate - 12/1/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart and I asked a guy who worked there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

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By Squid - 21/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By Mitcha857 - 30/7/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I had my back waxed to deal with the uncontrollable hair growth. Afterwards, I broke out in numerous pimples where the hair used to be. Basically, a lose-lose situation. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 09:08 - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

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By Tennisplayer - 10/2/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my tennis coach showed up to practice in an all white outfit. I exclaimed, "You're looking very white today!" He's African American. FML

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By anon - 31/3/2014 22:10 - United States - Chappaqua

Today, my dad got me one of those word locks for my gym locker, for which the password had to be a four-letter word instead of numbers. My dad chose the combo for me. It was "diet". FML

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By Sam - 9/1/2018 19:00

Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML

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By fuckered519 - 6/12/2014 19:53 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

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By - 27/2/2019 20:00

Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

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Top comments

By lex1459 | 38

#6253679 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:25

Really though, what else matters?

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6253682 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:26

We can't all be popular

COMMENTS

By tj4234 | 35

#6253676 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:23

Well, how many were there?

Reply

ScarletCrimson | 11

#6253713 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:54

OVER 9000!

By lex1459 | 38

#6253679 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:25

Really though, what else matters?

By expertsmilee | 26

#6253680 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:25

A whole week without Internet? *shudders*

By meatloaf11 | 23

#6253682 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:26

We can't all be popular

By trellz17 | 19

#6253686 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:27

Those notifications are wrong anyway. (For me they are).

Reply

timaeusTestified | 15

#6253824 - Monday 6 April 2015 12:57

Same.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6254490 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 0:54

Same here

Reply

antonaijamese | 7

#6254603 - Tuesday 7 April 2015 3:11

Yep .. All the time

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6255718 - Wednesday 8 April 2015 1:03

Fix yo shit fml

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6253687 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:28

That's because the FML staff are all of our best friends.

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#6254152 - Monday 6 April 2015 19:41

hahaha i was gonna say the same thing, #6. At least we are here for you OP! lol

By file321 | 16

#6253691 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:29

Atleast you got a vacation

By FMLMaximus | 23

#6253695 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:31

yay! we still love you!

By ichinikis | 16

#6253699 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:32

I think we all know the feelig

By Peacelove0404 | 26

#6253701 - Monday 6 April 2015 9:34

FML is always here to welcome you home