Intimacy: Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine... - FML

By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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Oh, hai!

Projection

Invasion

By deathstar3548 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

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By jobless

Today, I received a rejection e-mail from a potential employer I interviewed with. I asked for some feedback and they said I didn't seem interested. I had showed extensive interest, even brought up some of the company's recent events, and literally said, "I'm very interested in this position." FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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By Naked and Afraid - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - Afghanistan - Kabul

Today, thinking we'd still be able to finish our project in time for tomorrow's deadline, my work group put off doing any work until today. When we logged into the website we have to use, we found it was down for maintenance all day. FML

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By sammsamm56 - United States

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was called a "disabled buzzkill" for not letting someone pet my service dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By bill - United States - Pasadena

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

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By Kurda - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

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By BigBangrocksthenight - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

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By iheartexes - United States

Today, my boyfriend bailed on our one year anniversary celebration because his ex girlfriend asked him to go to a wedding with her and pose as her fake boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I went on a job interview. The interviewer said it all went well, but he can't hire me because I've got a nose piercing, and that type of "image" isn't the kind they're looking for in their employees. This is the guy who had a full sleeve tattoo. FML

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By TomorrowMaybe - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

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By lauziej93 - Spain - Logro?o

Today, my mother-in-law became my boss. FML

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By scewable - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

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By dannyfanny - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

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By maaaryy - France

Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML

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By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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By Cococautly - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

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By Redfaced - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

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By Sleep. - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

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By sexytime - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By Brett meek - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

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By silentsuzie - United States

Today, I realized I can never live with my fiancée. A childhood of systematic teasing, abuse, and humiliation has made me terrified to use a bathroom around a guy if there's the slightest chance I can be heard, seen, or even have anyone know what I'm up to. Therapy has yet to fix anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

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By JillianJuneBug - United States - Elmira

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Penkkis - Finland

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML

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By ThisGuy775 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By gimmeabreak0_o - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. It wasn't. Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. I busted my head while she busted up laughing. FML

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Top comments

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

COMMENTS

By mattiscool | 0

#294634 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

lol. oh and btw first :)

By Zer0de | 0

#294639 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

Double post my bad.

Reply

megashroom | 6

#984887 - Monday 26 April 2010 1:15

This kid's a noob fag.

Reply

ronton | 4

#1049128 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 23:47

fat!!!

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1106635 - Sunday 18 July 2010 18:12

fake and gay

Reply

NoahStaz | 3

#2259516 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 5:39

Whats your problem Douchèbag

Reply

RobinKCS | 9

#3258595 - Thursday 8 September 2011 21:18

What does OP mean?

Reply

Vociferouslife | 4

#4456598 - Saturday 19 May 2012 20:24

I don't think this is FML worthy. Honestly, there are many foods that release the same endorphins many would receive from light sexual activity. I think this could have been a LOT weirder. As is, I hope you continue to have those awesome dreams!

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#5082916 - Friday 26 October 2012 3:30

Odorless Poison

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#5122875 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 5:01

That was awesome.

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

Reply

iLucid | 0

#615929 - Sunday 11 October 2009 21:57

Freegasm...

Reply

i_love_germany | 0

#758587 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 18:17

more like foodgasm

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5391314 - Sunday 3 March 2013 18:38

I guess she just has a food fetish

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#294647 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

Similar to the FML about a guy having a sexual dream about bacon.....please come up with something more original

By TurtleGenius | 0

#294658 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Did it taste good?

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

Reply

mybabaygirl | 0

#3975681 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 11:45

Your hot. Js

By cooldude95 | 0

#294670 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

And I thought I dreamt about weird things.

I'm joking, but FYL. Hope no one saw?

By Zer0de | 0

#294674 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

God Dang it! FML messed up my post.

By NoneOfTheAbove | 0

#294675 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

Well if it tasted good whats the shame?

By fkcyl | 0

#294676 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

#4 so true. Whats up with guys touching themselves. thats what hookers are for..

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1303115 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:53

I guess you AND #4 failed to notice the pink female symbol, huh?

Reply

DragonDude | 24

#5810004 - Monday 30 December 2013 11:24

...Dammit, misread the comment and here's an edited, useless comment. Let's play a game of how many thumb downs it can get.