Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine... - FML

By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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Boozehound

Big baby man

Business savvy

By yodada - 10/3/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 00:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 02:00

Jot that down

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

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By missingphoneproblems - 22/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML

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By GnatEater - 7/9/2018 15:00

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By embarassed - 20/3/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

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By anonymous - 11/2/2012 05:57 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 05:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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By Jobless - 12/3/2009 09:01 - Malaysia

Today, my boss wanted to promote me to a managerial position. I declined the position saying I don't think I'm ready and experienced enough for that role. I was then fired instead for not accepting the promotion. I was fired for being honest. FML

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By sourgirl101 - 25/3/2020 02:00

Is he the guy from the earlier FML??

Today, my husband's number was mistakenly added to a group chat of my co-workers dealing with COVID-19. Despite my asking him to stop, he keeps sending corny memes that has offended most of them. FML

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By pea - 12/9/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

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By miapapaya - 15/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

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By codizzy - 18/8/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

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By justin Bieber - 15/6/2015 14:49 - United States - Westland

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

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By Life of the party - 19/8/2009 05:13 - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

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By J-Sauce - 20/6/2016 14:54 - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

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By Squeezebox - 30/8/2017 08:00 - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Username - 18/3/2010 08:21 - France

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

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By Forever alone - 1/5/2015 14:24 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

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By green and not with envy - 13/6/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

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By oh no - 6/6/2016 15:45 - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 22:30

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

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By vividrabbit - 12/7/2009 13:29 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 04:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By porcelainleigh - 23/11/2016 19:41 - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

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By devilboy - 6/7/2011 11:26 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By violet - 29/11/2009 22:52 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

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By Paul - 2/5/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By UghDude - 6/9/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 12:30 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By hardtoignore - 3/10/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 03:26 - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

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By fuckmee - 1/8/2017 05:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

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Top comments

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

Comments

By mattiscool | 0

#294634 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

lol. oh and btw first :)

By Zer0de | 0

#294639 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

Double post my bad.

Reply

megashroom | 6

#984887 - Monday 26 April 2010 1:15

This kid's a noob fag.

Reply

ronton | 4

#1049128 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 23:47

fat!!!

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1106635 - Sunday 18 July 2010 18:12

fake and gay

Reply

NoahStaz | 3

#2259516 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 5:39

Whats your problem Douchèbag

Reply

RobinKCS | 9

#3258595 - Thursday 8 September 2011 21:18

What does OP mean?

Reply

Vociferouslife | 4

#4456598 - Saturday 19 May 2012 20:24

I don't think this is FML worthy. Honestly, there are many foods that release the same endorphins many would receive from light sexual activity. I think this could have been a LOT weirder. As is, I hope you continue to have those awesome dreams!

Reply

Link5794 | 16

#5082916 - Friday 26 October 2012 3:30

Odorless Poison

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#5122875 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 5:01

That was awesome.

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

Reply

iLucid | 0

#615929 - Sunday 11 October 2009 21:57

Freegasm...

Reply

i_love_germany | 0

#758587 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 18:17

more like foodgasm

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5391314 - Sunday 3 March 2013 18:38

I guess she just has a food fetish

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#294647 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

Similar to the FML about a guy having a sexual dream about bacon.....please come up with something more original

By TurtleGenius | 0

#294658 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Did it taste good?

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

Reply

mybabaygirl | 0

#3975681 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 11:45

Your hot. Js

By cooldude95 | 0

#294670 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

And I thought I dreamt about weird things.

I'm joking, but FYL. Hope no one saw?

By Zer0de | 0

#294674 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

God Dang it! FML messed up my post.

By NoneOfTheAbove | 0

#294675 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

Well if it tasted good whats the shame?

By fkcyl | 0

#294676 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

#4 so true. Whats up with guys touching themselves. thats what hookers are for..

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1303115 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:53

I guess you AND #4 failed to notice the pink female symbol, huh?

Reply

DragonDude | 24

#5810004 - Monday 30 December 2014 11:24

...Dammit, misread the comment and here's an edited, useless comment. Let's play a game of how many thumb downs it can get.