Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine... - FML

By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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Season finale

Gratitude walks

Car Wars

By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By resurrected - 4/9/2013 15:59 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

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By rog3rli - 13/11/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

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By jobless - 8/9/2016 18:18 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

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By Sam - 8/12/2017 01:30

Party for One!

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

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By imgonnadie - 7/9/2014 15:11 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

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By NothowIimaginedmyday - 3/10/2015 04:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

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By ChubbyAmerican - 22/5/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

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By ChePow - 20/8/2011 18:26 - Canada

Today, a stripper came into my work to get some posters copied. She asked if she could pay in small bills. I just touched $50 that have probably rubbed up against a stripper's twat. FML

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By irwingiggles - 8/2/2015 10:26 - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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By anonymous - 5/7/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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By WaitedOut - 3/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:20 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 12:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By headdesk - 25/6/2014 05:41 - United States - Kaneohe

Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML

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By SteveBassist - 27/3/2018 15:00

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

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By Kimel - 22/1/2016 00:11 - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

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By familyhatesme - 18/7/2014 16:30 - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

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By Ali - 17/4/2019 02:00

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 16:00

Early bird special

Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By socksoffire - 17/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By boobmilk - 8/3/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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By Joe - 19/10/2009 04:32 - Cambodia

Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 18:06 - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

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By datingablonde - 11/1/2013 05:20 - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

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By M - 20/9/2015 23:59 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Boo - 16/8/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By chunderful202 - 24/12/2012 08:46 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By wow - 5/5/2011 06:13

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

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By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter. FML

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By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By blah - 21/7/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

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Top comments

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

COMMENTS

By mattiscool | 0

#294634 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

lol. oh and btw first :)

By Zer0de | 0

#294639 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

Double post my bad.

Reply

megashroom | 6

#984887 - Monday 26 April 2010 1:15

This kid's a noob fag.

Reply

ronton | 4

#1049128 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 23:47

fat!!!

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1106635 - Sunday 18 July 2010 18:12

fake and gay

Reply

NoahStaz | 3

#2259516 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 5:39

Whats your problem Douchèbag

Reply

RobinKCS | 9

#3258595 - Thursday 8 September 2011 21:18

What does OP mean?

Reply

Vociferouslife | 4

#4456598 - Saturday 19 May 2012 20:24

I don't think this is FML worthy. Honestly, there are many foods that release the same endorphins many would receive from light sexual activity. I think this could have been a LOT weirder. As is, I hope you continue to have those awesome dreams!

Reply

Link5794 | 16

#5082916 - Friday 26 October 2012 3:30

Odorless Poison

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#5122875 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 5:01

That was awesome.

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

Reply

iLucid | 0

#615929 - Sunday 11 October 2009 21:57

Freegasm...

Reply

i_love_germany | 0

#758587 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 18:17

more like foodgasm

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5391314 - Sunday 3 March 2013 18:38

I guess she just has a food fetish

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#294647 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

Similar to the FML about a guy having a sexual dream about bacon.....please come up with something more original

By TurtleGenius | 0

#294658 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Did it taste good?

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

Reply

mybabaygirl | 0

#3975681 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 11:45

Your hot. Js

By cooldude95 | 0

#294670 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

And I thought I dreamt about weird things.

I'm joking, but FYL. Hope no one saw?

By Zer0de | 0

#294674 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

God Dang it! FML messed up my post.

By NoneOfTheAbove | 0

#294675 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

Well if it tasted good whats the shame?

By fkcyl | 0

#294676 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

#4 so true. Whats up with guys touching themselves. thats what hookers are for..

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1303115 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:53

I guess you AND #4 failed to notice the pink female symbol, huh?

Reply

DragonDude | 24

#5810004 - Monday 30 December 2014 11:24

...Dammit, misread the comment and here's an edited, useless comment. Let's play a game of how many thumb downs it can get.