Intimacy: Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine... - FML

By hdat - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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Rock, hard place

You mug

You ass!

By Cheech - United States

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

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By FathersDay - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By loling - United Kingdom

Communication Breakdown

Today, I found out a guy I had a thing with a while back thinks I am obsessed with him. This is because when he said that we should be friends, I stupidly thought he was being sincere and bothered to call him all of three times in the last five months. Clearly a sign of obsession. FML

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By letsloseweight - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous

Understandable.

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

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By tom0441 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By Noslo - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Whack

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By theish

Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By Sad bitch

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

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By floff

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By Lililaloose - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By Oops - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

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By idontbleedfromthere - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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By nooneinparticular - 21/5/2020 08:00

Fragrant

Today, I realized that I get turned on by my girlfriend's perfume. My mother started using the same one. FML

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By Spa Catholic - United States - Taunton

Today, I saw a woman being mugged. I ran up to help and pushed the guy off of her. She then punched me in the face and called the cops because she was, "just living out a fantasy" and I'm, "a lunatic for trying to help." FML

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By wish.was.single - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By secretsmakefriends - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By cargaljen - United States

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

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By bels12 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

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By oregongrl1991 - France

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

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By bluewatersify - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By anotherdayfml

Strong incel vibes

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By kk - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

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By j

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Elayne Warthen

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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Top comments

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

COMMENTS

By mattiscool | 0

#294634 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

lol. oh and btw first :)

By Zer0de | 0

#294639 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:28

Double post my bad.

Reply

megashroom | 6

#984887 - Monday 26 April 2010 1:15

This kid's a noob fag.

Reply

ronton | 4

#1049128 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 23:47

fat!!!

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1106635 - Sunday 18 July 2010 18:12

fake and gay

Reply

NoahStaz | 3

#2259516 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 5:39

Whats your problem Douchèbag

Reply

RobinKCS | 9

#3258595 - Thursday 8 September 2011 21:18

What does OP mean?

Reply

Vociferouslife | 4

#4456598 - Saturday 19 May 2012 20:24

I don't think this is FML worthy. Honestly, there are many foods that release the same endorphins many would receive from light sexual activity. I think this could have been a LOT weirder. As is, I hope you continue to have those awesome dreams!

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#5082916 - Friday 26 October 2012 3:30

Odorless Poison

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#5122875 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 5:01

That was awesome.

By swirlsofhoney | 0

#294640 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

hey vending machine food is good

just not that good...

Reply

iLucid | 0

#615929 - Sunday 11 October 2009 21:57

Freegasm...

Reply

i_love_germany | 0

#758587 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 18:17

more like foodgasm

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5391314 - Sunday 3 March 2013 18:38

I guess she just has a food fetish

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#294647 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:29

Similar to the FML about a guy having a sexual dream about bacon.....please come up with something more original

By TurtleGenius | 0

#294658 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Did it taste good?

By _Skies | 0

#294665 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:31

Thinking about them Twinkies again eh?

Reply

mybabaygirl | 0

#3975681 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 11:45

Your hot. Js

By cooldude95 | 0

#294670 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

And I thought I dreamt about weird things.

I'm joking, but FYL. Hope no one saw?

By Zer0de | 0

#294674 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

God Dang it! FML messed up my post.

By NoneOfTheAbove | 0

#294675 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

Well if it tasted good whats the shame?

By fkcyl | 0

#294676 - Thursday 11 June 2009 23:32

#4 so true. Whats up with guys touching themselves. thats what hookers are for..

Reply

loludeserveit | 0

#1303115 - Thursday 26 August 2010 12:53

I guess you AND #4 failed to notice the pink female symbol, huh?

Reply

DragonDude | 24

#5810004 - Monday 30 December 2013 11:24

...Dammit, misread the comment and here's an edited, useless comment. Let's play a game of how many thumb downs it can get.