Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return...

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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Health

Proactive

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Creepy

By heycutie - 15/4/2014 04:24 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By in pain and tardy - 11/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Easthampton

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

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By Em - 30/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

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By ananymous - 1/11/2012 03:04 - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By MoreThenFriends - 16/8/2018 22:00

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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By nosleep - 30/6/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

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By nearsighted-ut - 26/9/2019 02:00

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 02:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

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By DrunkParents - 31/3/2015 23:32 - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

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By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:11 - United States

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

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By lactose intolerant - 28/1/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

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By jetlagged - 16/1/2011 17:17 - Sweden

Today, for an eight hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 16:26 - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By 99Problemsandfml - 8/11/2012 19:03 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

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By ROLLY - 3/3/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

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By Username - 6/10/2010 21:59 - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By rotezora - 2/9/2012 12:44 - Switzerland - Basel

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

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By Odds in my favour - 14/3/2018 15:00

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By ayye_its_nikki - 19/12/2012 05:07 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 02:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

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By welp24 - 28/10/2018 03:00

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

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By sillydoggy - 9/9/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML

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By jackson - 6/9/2010 17:02 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

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By pantsareathing - 13/6/2015 17:10 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

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By Headphones - 21/7/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2015 08:55 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By still on hol - 27/12/2014 10:12 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML

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By failure461 - 13/6/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By yvon la moto - 6/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

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By nakedyogagirl - 3/9/2010 00:16 - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

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By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By AngryBirdman - 22/4/2011 05:53

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

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By forreal - 23/8/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

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By John - 1/4/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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By Jeremy - 10/5/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

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By bwoolf96 - 10/9/2015 12:32

Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, the dry cleaner next to my house went up in flames. I went outside to look at the fire, as I looked on in amazement I realized I had dropped off all of my work clothes at the cleaners two days before. I was supposed to pick them up today but was too lazy to walk the 10 feet to the store. FML

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Top comments

By StevoKing666 | 18

#6466969 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:10

Congrats on the six pack

By oiler | 21

#6466976 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:12

A 6 pack without the hassel? Nice!

COMMENTS

By oj101 | 33

#6466966 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:09

6 packs are a function of having low enough body fat. Keep having diarrhea and you'll be there in no time!

hasooon | 24

#6467019 - Sunday 22 November 2015 0:06

By StevoKing666 | 18

#6466969 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:10

Congrats on the six pack

oiler | 21

#6467055 - Sunday 22 November 2015 0:49

I was going to post this but tou postes right before me.
FML

NicoTaylor1005 | 18

#6467095 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:16

"You posted right before me" you say, as commenter number TWENTY TWO to number TWO. I don't think you know what "right before" means

xyris_fml | 28

#6467134 - Sunday 22 November 2015 3:21

@28, this comment was 2, his comment saying the same thing was 4.. That's what he was referring to

Colon_Man | 17

#6467456 - Sunday 22 November 2015 14:23

Three pack.
It was only half true.

oiler | 21

#6468065 - Monday 23 November 2015 4:18

This honestly does need a follow up

By WinterChild | 20

#6466973 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:11

Hopefully you had enough time to clean up without him finding out.

friday9733 | 11

#6467121 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:53

Can't have a friend seeing your dirty six pack

oiler | 21

#6467156 - Sunday 22 November 2015 3:56

Yea cant let him see that six pack of pudding

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6467287 - Sunday 22 November 2015 7:39

This is so horrible, and yet so funny at the same time. Definite fly! I can't help but wonder how bad it was and if you were able to clean up at all? Did the undies have to go straight in the garbage? What about your pants? Were those dirty too? Did you have to borrow a pair of pants from your friend? The situation is just so bad but I can't stop laughing.