Love and Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to...

By Queenbee26 - 23/11/2017 21:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 119

You deserved it 524

Love Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Empathy lives

Any excuse

By tye61 - 16/01/2016 12:54 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 539

You deserved it 7 809

By FuckLife - 11/02/2012 13:41 - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 371

You deserved it 2 471

By zlotytarasy - 14/10/2009 22:03 - Poland

Today, I accepted a great job offer I've been working months to earn so I can continue to live with my fiancé here in Poland. I just found out that my work visa was denied. Now I have to fly home to Canada and reapply before coming back. This takes a month. My new job starts tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 864

You deserved it 3 522

By still together - 28/08/2013 17:47 - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 958

You deserved it 4 343

By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 22:38 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 487

You deserved it 38 860

By lifebecrazed - 17/01/2013 16:57

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 278

You deserved it 2 946

By dsamanthas - 23/02/2014 08:10 - United States - Covina

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 607

You deserved it 8 303

By runsinthefamily - 04/10/2014 16:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 504

You deserved it 4 511

By Makeitdance - 11/05/2014 14:46 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 389

You deserved it 5 033

By Anonymous - 24/05/2018 19:00

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 905

You deserved it 480

Wrong enemy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 172

By vinniesuckmadack - 24/04/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 388

You deserved it 37 926

By mainche - 20/01/2009 07:13 - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 109

You deserved it 6 782

By DocKreso - 28/06/2013 21:59 - Croatia - Split

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 803

You deserved it 6 367

By Anonymous - 27/02/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 183

You deserved it 6 557

By Disappointed - 31/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 411

You deserved it 9 781

You OK mom?

By today - 09/09/2021 12:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up in a good mood, and I excitedly shared with my mom that I was in a "wonderful mood." Her response was to yell at me because she’s "had it with my fucking sarcasm." She refuses to believe I wasn’t being sarcastic. Day ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 119

Hood life

By Anonymous - 07/12/2013 20:49 - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 618

You deserved it 3 844

By hb1 - 04/06/2016 18:15 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I caught my "best friend" on my laptop, copying my girlfriend's nudes onto his flash drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 653

You deserved it 3 127

By yoked - 18/12/2009 03:48 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 121

You deserved it 4 614

By RohnAbheek - 21/08/2011 17:36 - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 164

You deserved it 47 138

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 199

You deserved it 8 877

Supportive

By katerina - 29/11/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents talking about me and discussing how I've never had a boyfriend. My mum laughed that maybe they should pay someone to go out with me, and my dad replied, "Heh, not enough money in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 303

You deserved it 4 201

By healey16 - 03/04/2009 18:13 - Canada

Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 650

You deserved it 78 747

By Anonymous - 24/06/2012 11:38 - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 892

You deserved it 7 469

By Wrongdoor - 06/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 27 881

By technodont - 11/05/2015 14:37 - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 242

You deserved it 4 305

By userrrrr - 18/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 470

You deserved it 3 743

By yelyah - 29/03/2012 16:19 - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 2 169

By Susan - 23/08/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 853

You deserved it 43 656

By Alejandroc - 20/01/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 088

You deserved it 3 451

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 773

You deserved it 1 520

By Anonymous - 22/12/2016 05:03

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 428

You deserved it 660

By Binks - 23/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 867

You deserved it 230

By Anonymous - 02/05/2013 19:59 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 420

You deserved it 7 889

By NoStarbucks4Me - 21/02/2017 02:00 - Germany - M?hldorf

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 388

You deserved it 1 261

By thesmartone - 21/06/2012 03:44 - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 4 813

By spreadburger - 21/11/2014 00:29 - United States - Tampa

Today, my co-worker threw a rubber mallet at my face, and I broke my finger in the process of saving my face. She then told me to "take it up with HR, bitch". She's the HR manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 867

You deserved it 2 827

By BrandNewKadillak - 30/04/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 914

You deserved it 11 294

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 734

You deserved it 9 032

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Top comments

Akitakat 31

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 15:12

Well, flick his bic then tell him to turn his head & cough while gloving up & see how he likes it.

Akitakat 31

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 19:58

Such a romantic...

Akitakat 31

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 15:12

Well, flick his bic then tell him to turn his head & cough while gloving up & see how he likes it.

Akitakat 31

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 19:58

Such a romantic...

TeachAllTheMath 19

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Friday 24 November 2017 6:23

Time to take him back to basics.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 24 November 2017 6:30

I can see this happening in the 80’s, but it’s inexcusable in the era of free Internet porn. In porn, you never see nip-flicking or navel-fingering. Well, maybe in some fetish bullshit...

Little Richard 11

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Friday 24 November 2017 9:54

Dad, please stay off the computer.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 24 November 2017 15:49

Now, you hush up, son! If it weren't for me using some of the tricks I learned from the "training videos" on your mom, you might not even be here! She particularly likes when I ... oh, wait, you might not want to hear that.

weeping_willow 25

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Friday 24 November 2017 9:31

This is just saddening, honestly.

Little Richard 11

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Friday 24 November 2017 9:53

you need a real man?

manb91uk 22

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Friday 24 November 2017 9:32

Sounds like he’s trying to activate a lightbulb... He does know vaginas don’t work that way? Right?

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus 16

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Friday 24 November 2017 13:15

Based on the gender shown for the OP and the mentioning of a BF I’m gonna assume it wouldn’t matter if they had a quick start guide for a vag...

Lobby_Bee 17

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Friday 24 November 2017 11:35

You must thank his ex for that. Probably worked for her.

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus 16

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Friday 24 November 2017 13:15

*him

PhantomCrevan 8

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Friday 24 November 2017 16:59

The United States Sex Ed program putting your taxes to work, people. Aren't you so grateful that certain conservative groups have thrown such huge fits about a mandatory class that it is effectively useless in most places?