Intimacy: Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet... - FML

By idk ask freud - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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Vulture

Assumptions

Devious, the lot of them

By Anonymous

Today, I am starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is or who to ask if I need help. FML

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By bosslady - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By Jason - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By Lily - United States - San Antonio

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

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By Spinster - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

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By worriedman - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

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By w00tz - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

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By talkssuck - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By buzzzzkill - United States

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

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By Sad elf - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

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By Worstjob - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By sierra - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By helen_ - United States

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 13:58

Chuds

Today, at my retail job, I was trying to get a large amount of cardboard to the trash and had a short path to maneuver through displays and customers. As I'm coming down the aisle, a customer sees me and stops to look at a coffee cup display, directly in my path. FML

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By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I walked in on my mother rubbing one out. For the third time. I then had to explain to her, also for the third time, why pleasuring herself in the living room is inappropriate. FML

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By TheBeautifulOne - United Kingdom - Ayr

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

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By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By mermaidkeels - United States - Miami

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:01 - Canada

Slow down

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

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By avocadopurse

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Market crash

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

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By taiannalynn5

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

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By college estudiata

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

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By erinbarto

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

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By DaoOfPow - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

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By Daniel_rules - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

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By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By crawfo - Australia

Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML

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By Karmas3itch - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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Top comments

By buddy51 | 23

#5565392 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:29

Still a better love story than Twilight!

By Wizardo | 33

#5565501 - Thursday 4 July 2013 13:23

"Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to diss a Brie? I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese. Everybody's looking for Stilton".

COMMENTS

By ozpunker | 20

#5565391 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:26

Did you wake up to cheese? If not, what's the problem?

By buddy51 | 23

#5565392 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:29

Still a better love story than Twilight!

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5565453 - Thursday 4 July 2013 12:16

Most overused sentence on the Internet right now. However it is so true.

By triplebeerox | 27

#5565394 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:30

Whatever floats your boat!

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5565441 - Thursday 4 July 2013 12:03

Or melts your cheese

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5566462 - Friday 5 July 2013 6:32

Or floats your melting boat that's made of cheese

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5566568 - Friday 5 July 2013 8:32

I wouldn't want to be on that boat.

By nephilim241 | 19

#5565395 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:31

Dat cheese.

By Miss_Klutzie | 28

#5565396 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:32

Hey, whatever works for ya ;D

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5565397 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:32

That stuff is the bomb.

By Pwn17 | 25

#5565399 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:33

I'd like to think we all have a thing for velveeta.

Reply

Wowxoxo | 17

#5566174 - Friday 5 July 2013 0:40

Nope, I prefer real cheese... Maybe some Camembert or comté

By jw90 | 18

#5565400 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:33

I can't say I blame you. Velveeta cheese is..yea it's just nice..

By Vitualamen | 11

#5565406 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:41

Everybody loves cheese.

By Chellybelly92 | 14

#5565414 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:49

But it's so warm and thick and GOOD!!! No? Still weird?

Intense dreams about food are awesome. Food almost ties with sex almost all the time lol.

Reply

xplicitkontent | 18

#5565527 - Thursday 4 July 2013 14:15

Food/eating and sex cause the release of oxytocin.

Reply

_DudeGuy_ | 16

#5565990 - Thursday 4 July 2013 20:01

You're both right in a way. Dopamine is released when eating and having sex, or pretty much anything you have to do to survive. Oxytocin is also released when having sex.

Reply

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#5566542 - Friday 5 July 2013 7:58

Oxytocin is a bonding hormone... Pretty sure it isn't released when eating. Unless you bond with your food? Oh. Cucumbers right? :p