Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet... - FML

By idk ask freud - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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Season finale

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Thanks, government

By psychortiz - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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By sillybrohos - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. FML

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By tsunami

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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By earths_venus - Australia

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

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By twilight zone - 9/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Backwards

Today, I was actually criticized for giving my kids scientific answers to their questions, instead of dumb downed fairytales. Gotta love the public school system, right? FML

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By BoldMoveCotton - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

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By hoovered - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

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By moneycatious - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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By dumblond - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By Doodle - United States

Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chelan

Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML

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By FlGirl - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By Her - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

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By sober - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

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By 19kwhatever - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

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By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By theboywithlonghair - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By Thanks Santa

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By Huge A Hole - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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By AmberKCole - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

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By cuckolddreams - United States - Broken Bow

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

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By quadropheniac - United States

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

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By shorty - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

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By milksquad

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Round Rock

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

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Top comments

By buddy51 | 23

#5565392 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:29

Still a better love story than Twilight!

By Wizardo | 33

#5565501 - Thursday 4 July 2013 13:23

"Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to diss a Brie? I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese. Everybody's looking for Stilton".

COMMENTS

By ozpunker | 20

#5565391 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:26

Did you wake up to cheese? If not, what's the problem?

By buddy51 | 23

#5565392 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:29

Still a better love story than Twilight!

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5565453 - Thursday 4 July 2013 12:16

Most overused sentence on the Internet right now. However it is so true.

By triplebeerox | 27

#5565394 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:30

Whatever floats your boat!

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#5565441 - Thursday 4 July 2013 12:03

Or melts your cheese

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5566462 - Friday 5 July 2013 6:32

Or floats your melting boat that's made of cheese

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5566568 - Friday 5 July 2013 8:32

I wouldn't want to be on that boat.

By nephilim241 | 19

#5565395 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:31

Dat cheese.

By Miss_Klutzie | 28

#5565396 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:32

Hey, whatever works for ya ;D

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5565397 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:32

That stuff is the bomb.

By Pwn17 | 25

#5565399 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:33

I'd like to think we all have a thing for velveeta.

Reply

Wowxoxo | 17

#5566174 - Friday 5 July 2013 0:40

Nope, I prefer real cheese... Maybe some Camembert or comté

By jw90 | 18

#5565400 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:33

I can't say I blame you. Velveeta cheese is..yea it's just nice..

By Vitualamen | 11

#5565406 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:41

Everybody loves cheese.

By Chellybelly92 | 14

#5565414 - Thursday 4 July 2013 11:49

But it's so warm and thick and GOOD!!! No? Still weird?

Intense dreams about food are awesome. Food almost ties with sex almost all the time lol.

Reply

xplicitkontent | 18

#5565527 - Thursday 4 July 2013 14:15

Food/eating and sex cause the release of oxytocin.

Reply

_DudeGuy_ | 16

#5565990 - Thursday 4 July 2013 20:01

You're both right in a way. Dopamine is released when eating and having sex, or pretty much anything you have to do to survive. Oxytocin is also released when having sex.

Reply

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#5566542 - Friday 5 July 2013 7:58

Oxytocin is a bonding hormone... Pretty sure it isn't released when eating. Unless you bond with your food? Oh. Cucumbers right? :p