Intimacy: Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months....

By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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Intimacy

Late term

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

By zstarr - United States - Rome

Effective

Today, I realized my boyfriend uses sex as a way to get me to stop talking. FML

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By ApparentWeirdo

Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By pandabear93 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was walking with the dog. I was throwing a stick in the lake so he could get it (he loves swimming). A friend called me. After I was done calling another friend came by, and we went talking for a while. When my dog barked, I accidentally threw my iPhone in the water instead of his stick. FML

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By Bobsaget00 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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By ...thanks honey - United States

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

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By inked - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 23:02 - United States - Santa Ana

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML

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By LeaveTheGuyAlone - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML

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By stdfree_hopefully

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

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By NorwegianMadman

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By hairless - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML

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By PinkTornado - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

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By pinky - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML

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By bleach - United Kingdom

Today, I bought an expensive razor that's supposed to be great. My roommate asked if she could borrow it, and as her legs just looked like they needed touching up, I said sure. After a strangely long amount of time, she came back, thanked me and left. Her legs were still hairy. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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By Anonymous

Learning curve

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

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By someone - United States - Mogadore

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

I Want the One I Can't Have

Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

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By Home sick

Today, I was called fat by my boyfriend's old-fashioned mom. I'm not close to fat but I'm not really skinny either so she calls me fat. She also complained that my feet makes noise when I walk and that girls shouldn't make noise when walking. This week has been hell. FML

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By ayeyieyie - United States

Hypocrite move

Today, my boyfriend of eight happy months suddenly broke up with me via text. He'd always insisted that texts were too impersonal. FML

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By lemongrab - Canada

Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML

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By ImNotFat - United States - Havertown

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML

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By Barry Wom

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

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By CheeseLover - United States - Spring

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

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By names suck and so do I - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By BatBee - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By Cherub - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By pukeytimes - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

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By EyesOffMe - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

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Top comments

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

COMMENTS

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

chuka81 | 27

#6385626 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:47

No, it's the kind of American Pie he wants.

JMichael | 25

#6385632 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:59

I'm not gonna lie. I've seen some donuts that looked so good they could pass as "fuckable".

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

sadistmonkey | 19

#6385914 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:14

Unless it's a jelly donut...

chinaski7628 | 32

#6385947 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:33

There's still a hole in a jelly donut. And some sweet filling!

MissCloudy249 | 14

#6386053 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 22:57

It might've been a maple bar...

By graceface1031 | 7

#6385441 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

It's okay OP, I once had an extremely sensual dream about eating bacon.

By Texas125 | 12

#6385442 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:59

At least it was hot and fresh. Sorry OP.

cooer | 10

#6585225 - Thursday 21 April 2016 13:59

what if it was a doughnut he bought at the store in a pack of many

By sh07 | 28

#6385443 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

Better than nothing?

_streets_ | 19

#6385515 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:57

I donut think so.

ColdRoxas | 18

#6385796 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 16:44

#26 you are amazing cannot stop laughing XD

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6386162 - Thursday 20 August 2015 1:05

Doesn't matter, had sex!

By russiancat464 | 12

#6385446 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

well...they do have holes for a reason

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6385453 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:04

Sounds like you've been watching The Simpsons.

By amanda182 | 19

#6385458 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:06

Donuts are really good.. Just not that way.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6385576 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 9:19

Are you speaking from experience?

ItsKennyBaby | 9

#6385697 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 13:20

Well not with that attitude.

amanda182 | 19

#6386379 - Thursday 20 August 2015 5:02

Seeing as I don't have a penis I'm pretty sure I can't fuck a donut. And I also said "not in that way" because I meant they're good to EAT not fuck.

freddygasman | 18

#6387305 - Friday 21 August 2015 2:03

well, there are maple bars and cinnamon twists. :)

ArturoJames | 13

#6388940 - Saturday 22 August 2015 15:57

Don't forget about the good ol' Long John..

By annas3 | 10

#6385464 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:08

That just means you're a true 'merican. Nothing to be ashamed of OP!

By Hildy93 | 21

#6385465 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:09

I mean who hasn't dreamt about fucking a donut!?