Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months....

By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 13:26 - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Yappy neighborhood

The student becomes the master

By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - 24/6/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By what the fuck - 25/8/2013 19:28 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 07:18 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

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By Mc2013 - 12/10/2014 17:38 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By ididlookgood - 13/4/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

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By Jeslyn03 - 13/1/2012 18:57 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 21:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By tootles - 22/5/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - 16/9/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By TotallyFkd - 22/1/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By Mojo_Jojo - 13/6/2009 11:01 - China

Today, my crush came to my house to watch movies with me. We were sitting on the couch when he turned to me and said that he had had a dream about me the night before. I moved in to kiss him, thinking he liked me. He then added that I had fallen of a cliff and he had pissed himself laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 20:00

My stupidity

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one, when I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor, I had to wait in the girl's bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML.

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 14:11

Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 22:59 - United States - Framingham

Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML

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By cowgurl91 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

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By ktreens - 19/10/2012 04:06 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

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By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By STIdiot - 17/10/2011 12:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

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By what the actual fuck - 11/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Puyallup

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

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By - 3/1/2009 16:48 - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 21:54 - United States

Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML

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By yuck - 15/11/2011 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

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By deadgrass - 29/3/2012 00:44 - United States - Middletown

Heavenly Shower

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 17:00

Death at one's elbow

Today, I found out that for the past 6 months I have been sleeping next to a dead body. The cremated body of my landlord's father. It was hidden inside a wardrobe that I was not supposed to use. FML

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By megan228 - 20/3/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 16:49 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

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By Redhottt6 - 5/8/2016 01:24

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

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By Theaccident - 22/1/2011 10:03 - Australia

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

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By bootyislife - 3/2/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By bbbblt - 15/8/2010 11:39 - Australia

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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By trippiex - 30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By ptiluinthesky - 24/11/2008 02:56 - France

Today, my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. FML

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By makeover-needed - 6/7/2015 21:32 - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By dicedicebaby - 23/3/2015 00:20 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

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By fatass - 19/2/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

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Top comments

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

COMMENTS

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

chuka81 | 27

#6385626 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:47

No, it's the kind of American Pie he wants.

JMichael | 25

#6385632 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:59

I'm not gonna lie. I've seen some donuts that looked so good they could pass as "fuckable".

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

sadistmonkey | 19

#6385914 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:14

Unless it's a jelly donut...

chinaski7628 | 32

#6385947 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:33

There's still a hole in a jelly donut. And some sweet filling!

MissCloudy249 | 14

#6386053 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 22:57

It might've been a maple bar...

By graceface1031 | 7

#6385441 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

It's okay OP, I once had an extremely sensual dream about eating bacon.

By Texas125 | 12

#6385442 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:59

At least it was hot and fresh. Sorry OP.

cooer | 10

#6585225 - Thursday 21 April 2016 13:59

what if it was a doughnut he bought at the store in a pack of many

By sh07 | 28

#6385443 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

Better than nothing?

_streets_ | 19

#6385515 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:57

I donut think so.

ColdRoxas | 18

#6385796 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 16:44

#26 you are amazing cannot stop laughing XD

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6386162 - Thursday 20 August 2015 1:05

Doesn't matter, had sex!

By russiancat464 | 12

#6385446 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

well...they do have holes for a reason

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6385453 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:04

Sounds like you've been watching The Simpsons.

By amanda182 | 19

#6385458 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:06

Donuts are really good.. Just not that way.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6385576 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 9:19

Are you speaking from experience?

ItsKennyBaby | 9

#6385697 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 13:20

Well not with that attitude.

amanda182 | 19

#6386379 - Thursday 20 August 2015 5:02

Seeing as I don't have a penis I'm pretty sure I can't fuck a donut. And I also said "not in that way" because I meant they're good to EAT not fuck.

freddygasman | 18

#6387305 - Friday 21 August 2015 2:03

well, there are maple bars and cinnamon twists. :)

ArturoJames | 13

#6388940 - Saturday 22 August 2015 15:57

Don't forget about the good ol' Long John..

By annas3 | 10

#6385464 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:08

That just means you're a true 'merican. Nothing to be ashamed of OP!

By Hildy93 | 21

#6385465 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:09

I mean who hasn't dreamt about fucking a donut!?