Intimacy: Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months....

By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Toxic parents

By dont_shit_where_i_eat

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

So that's what the smell was!

Today, I found my son's dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn't flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML

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By Justlooking

Today, my new husband of two weeks attempted to solicit sex from a hooker. He tried to excuse himself by saying, "I would never cheat on you! I was just looking." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

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By NCanalyst - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By Baby - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By Username

Today, after we'd let an author rent out our cabin, we read in the book of poems he wrote while staying that he'd described how he enjoyed sitting on our table naked. The same table we often eat off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.

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By cinderella - Netherlands

Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. FML

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By Lovestupid - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

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By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

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By assoutofuandme - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

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By can't wait to go home - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

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By suckstobefat - Canada

Today, I found out that the daily "vitamins" that my dad has been giving me for the last three months were actually weight loss pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By JulietMarie

Today, I met my older sister's cute male roommate. Everything was going smoothly until he asked if I was her mother. I’m only 20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By vadoodoo22 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

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By bubbalicious - Canada

Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML

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By introuble - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By Millar - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I witnessed a postal worker with an important parcel stopping before knocking on my door, shrugging, getting back in his van, and driving away. I couldn't get the door open quickly enough before he left. FML

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By Hannah - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

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By candie - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

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By subtweetqueen - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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By Jack Faire

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By Crys - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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Top comments

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

COMMENTS

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6385437 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

I don't think that's the kind of "sweet" tail you want to be getting.

chuka81 | 27

#6385626 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:47

No, it's the kind of American Pie he wants.

JMichael | 25

#6385632 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 11:59

I'm not gonna lie. I've seen some donuts that looked so good they could pass as "fuckable".

By ladytigerhunts | 20

#6385439 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

At least it was in a hole.

sadistmonkey | 19

#6385914 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:14

Unless it's a jelly donut...

chinaski7628 | 32

#6385947 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 20:33

There's still a hole in a jelly donut. And some sweet filling!

MissCloudy249 | 14

#6386053 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 22:57

It might've been a maple bar...

By graceface1031 | 7

#6385441 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:58

It's okay OP, I once had an extremely sensual dream about eating bacon.

By Texas125 | 12

#6385442 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 6:59

At least it was hot and fresh. Sorry OP.

cooer | 10

#6585225 - Thursday 21 April 2016 13:59

what if it was a doughnut he bought at the store in a pack of many

By sh07 | 28

#6385443 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

Better than nothing?

_streets_ | 19

#6385515 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:57

I donut think so.

ColdRoxas | 18

#6385796 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 16:44

#26 you are amazing cannot stop laughing XD

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6386162 - Thursday 20 August 2015 1:05

Doesn't matter, had sex!

By russiancat464 | 12

#6385446 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:00

well...they do have holes for a reason

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6385453 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:04

Sounds like you've been watching The Simpsons.

By amanda182 | 19

#6385458 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:06

Donuts are really good.. Just not that way.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6385576 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 9:19

Are you speaking from experience?

ItsKennyBaby | 9

#6385697 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 13:20

Well not with that attitude.

amanda182 | 19

#6386379 - Thursday 20 August 2015 5:02

Seeing as I don't have a penis I'm pretty sure I can't fuck a donut. And I also said "not in that way" because I meant they're good to EAT not fuck.

freddygasman | 18

#6387305 - Friday 21 August 2015 2:03

well, there are maple bars and cinnamon twists. :)

ArturoJames | 13

#6388940 - Saturday 22 August 2015 15:57

Don't forget about the good ol' Long John..

By annas3 | 10

#6385464 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:08

That just means you're a true 'merican. Nothing to be ashamed of OP!

By Hildy93 | 21

#6385465 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 7:09

I mean who hasn't dreamt about fucking a donut!?