Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read, "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coat rack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house, naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML
Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML
Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML
Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML
Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML
Today, after a grueling business trip, my husband and I came home to all our furniture broken, every window smashed, all the floors scratched and carpets ripped, all our electronics stolen, and all our food and booze gone. What happened? Our son held a party and invited literally everyone he could from campus. FML
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Top comments
DHoffmann 9
Perfect situation to just yell "****".
ariannaimelda 7
Instead of writing an FML you could be cleaning! Priorities my friend
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Comments (182)
iranoutofnames 6
This sounds like the beginning to an awesome movie.
SimpleMinds_fml 7
Is your anus also sore? Damn hipster
Wtf91101 3
Check ALL body "openings" for foreign objects, like maybe the vacume or toilette brush. Dad, "can u explain why the vacume cord is trailing outta your ass?"
boredfishing 0
A doctor told me once that the strangest thing he has ever found was a rolled up Sunday news paper shoved up a guy's anus.
HomeAl0ne 20
Just the entertainment section?
hilary56 0
Thanks for sharing the story, you should probably haul ass to clean up
sheethapins 13
You deserved it, my advice: Send this FML to Hollywood, hope Ben Stiller gets a hold of it, then pay for the damages off what you made selling the story. Or claim you were robbed by a pokemon crazed pervert who loves to do arts and crafts with cookies and eggs. Your call.
SteveTheJanitor 6
STEWIE!!!
Doortje 30
Good luck explaining that. There's no way you're going to get all that cleaned in 1 hour. You're gonna be grounded for life, and your parents will be so disappointed in you. Yeah, I like to kick a man when he's down.
xxkimmyt 9
A few...friends???
SteveTheJanitor 6
Maybe it got a bit out of control with more than just a few people turning up. That's my theory anyway All they all got smashed and just fudged the place up
NEEPLES 7
And not so very good of friends.
Enslaved 38
Too bad you don't live in a "Weird Science" movie.
laceyanneman 7
I honestly can't say I've been to a party like that.
SteveTheJanitor 6
I'm sure Corey Worthington has
dreamering 16
It's good to know than complaining here takes the priority over cleaning up the shit.
X3liteXHunterX 12
Very carefully.