Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read, "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coat rack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house, naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML
Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML
Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML
Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML
Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML
Today, after a grueling business trip, my husband and I came home to all our furniture broken, every window smashed, all the floors scratched and carpets ripped, all our electronics stolen, and all our food and booze gone. What happened? Our son held a party and invited literally everyone he could from campus. FML
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Top comments
DHoffmann 9
Perfect situation to just yell "****".
ariannaimelda 7
Instead of writing an FML you could be cleaning! Priorities my friend
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Comments (182)
khaya 9
Cut your arm and make sure to draw blood. Now, you were a victim of a house break in.
lazerus1974 8
Liar
perdix 31
At least you'll be ready for the Homecoming Dance. You need to back off of the hooch. I'm not saying you should be a teetotaler, but you're drinking way too much.
rocklvr15 0
Maybe you should get a move on!
jaredofmo 22
Take a shower, clean what you can, and face the music.
KK3137 31
Then get off FML and clean up... QUICK!!!
Redheaddest 0
Why are you writing an FML now?! Get to work!
xMiss_Maggot 7
why you writing this fml when you got a lot of shit to clean up?!
42billybob 5
This is why your parents dont let you have parties.
EPICROCKERNINJA 8
One of my favorite FMLS....