Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was...

By randm1 - 2/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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Intimacy

Tidy your room

In my day…

Car Wars

By Anonymous - 10/1/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

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By Seabiscuit - 6/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was snuggling in bed with my girlfriend. She was depressed, so I complimented her strong legs, saying they were "like a horse." I spent the next hour and a half trying to stop her crying. FML

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By jll14 - 31/3/2013 22:27 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By auscop - 17/9/2009 10:57 - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

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By AJShow80 - 13/4/2009 08:51 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

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By crap - 7/3/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, i was trying to be sexy and sent my new bf a nude. Before we started dating I had hooked up with three of his friends which he was super insecure about. Somehow I accidentally sent it to a group chat which included five different people besides us. All of those friends were in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By buxton1 - 18/2/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Joel - 25/8/2010 19:13 - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

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By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

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By dasbooot - 30/4/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

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By Eminnis - 31/8/2015 03:27 - United States - Woodland Park

Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML

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By me - 12/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML

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By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

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By NotTheSoulMate - 26/9/2013 06:54 - United States

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

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By ksmith - 9/8/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

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By Charly - 5/1/2009 06:16 - France

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - 15/1/2009 11:43 - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

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By iheartnjdevils - 12/1/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

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By Bozo - 31/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Saukville

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 02:01

Rude

Today, my brother-in-law still insists on referring to me as "his brother's wife" and tells everyone I'm not his "sister-in-law." I've been married to his brother for 10 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

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By Merlin - 17/4/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By thankskimi - 15/3/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By anonymous - 1/6/2009 07:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By LowOnGas - 2/5/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By can't sleep - 18/3/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By LH0026 - 6/8/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By chacha_bby - 23/8/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded "Well the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By olyswimmer - 3/2/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

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By helpme - 24/11/2015 06:34 - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By Noname - 15/10/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my younger sister's dog broke its leg. The vets are closed today so instead of going on a date with a girl I have been trying to get for at least 2 years, I need to carry an 80 lb. dog that hates me, up and down the stairs. I already got bit twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 01:34 - United Kingdom

Today, while trying to get my phone to charge, I shoved in the cable harder and harder and tried to wobble it so my phone would charge. After snapping the USB input from the force, I saw the plug was switched off. FML

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By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Self-circumcision is never the way to go.

Sorry your parents didn't fix that when you were a baby.

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

COMMENTS

By APD16 | 1

#700810 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:21

Ow! I feel sorry for you man, that's really bad when it happens :(

icall_BS | 0

#968386 - Friday 26 March 2010 4:52

Circumcision?
I thought people looked down on that.

iBurnTrees | 6

#1258714 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 20:07

yea seriously. hit up wallmart for some undies lol.

andrewzzz | 0

#1517990 - Friday 8 October 2010 18:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Mons_fml | 27

#4914507 - Monday 10 September 2012 7:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By DeJahVu | 0

#700825 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:27

There something about Marry.

xbiohazardx | 0

#1153233 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:36

dejahvu I was thinking the same thing lol and I actually cringed when I read this. :p ouch

timtamslam | 19

#1782742 - Thursday 2 December 2010 10:44

I actually only read this FML to see if anyone thought the same. :D

By APD16 | 1

#700827 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:28

Aw, that sucks man. It's really nasty when that happens :(

MrPlopper | 9

#4838015 - Monday 20 August 2012 9:54

FRANKS AND BEANS!!

By PimhNL | 3

#700843 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:35

rofl ydt

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

By KingHumanity | 0

#700901 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:55

Consider yourself lucky.
Would have been a HELL WORSE if you didn't have foreskin.

In before "LOLOL YDI FOR HAVING FORESKIN YOUR DICK IS FUGLY EWWW"

theArmygirl2011 | 0

#2772704 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:14

that's mean!

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

FederalAgent | 0

#701053 - Thursday 3 December 2009 1:06

self circumcision.... lolololololololololololololololol

lydiarobinson | 0

#940670 - Saturday 13 March 2010 1:24

Kudos to you.

DarkWaffle | 0

#1285856 - Sunday 22 August 2010 19:33

Lol perdix alway wins

kiki1705 | 20

#5904798 - Friday 4 April 2014 14:45

Fix? There's nothing to fix if you have foreskin, it's not some mistake to be fixed. It's natural, therefore normal and it has protecting function.

By schnikerdoodles | 0

#700951 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:17

Good thing I had it removed. Hurts even more without it though.

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#700959 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:23

ouch that hurts

By HyperExecuter | 0

#700995 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:38

ouch