Intimacy: Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was...

By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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Intimacy

Boozehound alert

Fashion Police

Toxic parents

By octoberrain - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 20:01

No fun

Today, I was finishing a cigarette outside of the mall when we heard someone fart. Turns out it was a little girl. They looked around, so jokingly I said, "We didn't hear anything." Her family giggled and so did we, until everyone realized the little girl was now sobbing. I'm a POS. FML

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By needs_another_loan - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By minnEmouse - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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By littleone37 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

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By longday - Canada

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

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By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

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By shnigel - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By "GumStickExtraGmail" - United States - Arvada

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

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By Japaroni - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By Seriously? - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

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By ItWasHotAsBalls

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

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By cooldude - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

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By yawho - Japan

Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

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By Irobot

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By kaytiebobaytie - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

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By wrongcar - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By ppema - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

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By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By Aimee Lutz

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By abbacjt - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By unfortunate - Sweden

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

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By properpissed - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By migsman - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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By natasha - 1/7/2020 05:03

The void

Today, my depression has hit a new low. I had to verbally motivate myself for at least an hour in order to wash two plates. I ended up giving up in the middle, and completely shutting down for six hours afterwards. FML

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By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Self-circumcision is never the way to go.

Sorry your parents didn't fix that when you were a baby.

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

COMMENTS

By APD16 | 1

#700810 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:21

Ow! I feel sorry for you man, that's really bad when it happens :(

icall_BS | 0

#968386 - Friday 26 March 2010 4:52

Circumcision?
I thought people looked down on that.

iBurnTrees | 6

#1258714 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 20:07

yea seriously. hit up wallmart for some undies lol.

andrewzzz | 0

#1517990 - Friday 8 October 2010 18:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Mons_fml | 27

#4914507 - Monday 10 September 2012 7:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By DeJahVu | 0

#700825 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:27

There something about Marry.

xbiohazardx | 0

#1153233 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:36

dejahvu I was thinking the same thing lol and I actually cringed when I read this. :p ouch

timtamslam | 19

#1782742 - Thursday 2 December 2010 10:44

I actually only read this FML to see if anyone thought the same. :D

By APD16 | 1

#700827 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:28

Aw, that sucks man. It's really nasty when that happens :(

MrPlopper | 9

#4838015 - Monday 20 August 2012 9:54

FRANKS AND BEANS!!

By PimhNL | 3

#700843 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:35

rofl ydt

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

By KingHumanity | 0

#700901 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:55

Consider yourself lucky.
Would have been a HELL WORSE if you didn't have foreskin.

In before "LOLOL YDI FOR HAVING FORESKIN YOUR DICK IS FUGLY EWWW"

theArmygirl2011 | 0

#2772704 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:14

that's mean!

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

FederalAgent | 0

#701053 - Thursday 3 December 2009 1:06

self circumcision.... lolololololololololololololololol

lydiarobinson | 0

#940670 - Saturday 13 March 2010 1:24

Kudos to you.

DarkWaffle | 0

#1285856 - Sunday 22 August 2010 19:33

Lol perdix alway wins

kiki1705 | 20

#5904798 - Friday 4 April 2014 14:45

Fix? There's nothing to fix if you have foreskin, it's not some mistake to be fixed. It's natural, therefore normal and it has protecting function.

By schnikerdoodles | 0

#700951 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:17

Good thing I had it removed. Hurts even more without it though.

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#700959 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:23

ouch that hurts

By HyperExecuter | 0

#700995 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:38

ouch