Intimacy: Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was...

By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29972

You deserved it

8686

Favorite

Intimacy

Good kid

Season finale

BO Central

By loser

Today, I woke up to find my 6-year-old daughter had duct taped me to my bed and dropped my wallet down the toilet. Well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3620

You deserved it

614

Favorite

By Cam - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2575

You deserved it

405

Favorite

By nerdywaitress - United States - Greensboro

Everyday sexism

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47427

You deserved it

4985

Favorite

By Anonymous

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1560

You deserved it

414

Favorite

By random0605 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26807

You deserved it

4204

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22115

You deserved it

4175

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/5/2021 23:00

Getting on

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

867

You deserved it

212

Favorite

By nkotz - United States

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40967

You deserved it

7279

Favorite

By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1172

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By crushed

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1605

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By ApparentlyBadDriver - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17688

You deserved it

24722

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34790

You deserved it

10265

Favorite

By flipnazn - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61634

You deserved it

10098

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a one night stand. After holding in my farts all night as is done, I decided enough was enough and to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out instead I shit myself in her bed. I was naked at the time so was unable to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35914

You deserved it

16685

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47183

You deserved it

3205

Favorite

By allycat - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32491

You deserved it

2683

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89873

You deserved it

6144

Favorite

By Jong - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74183

You deserved it

2743

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28816

You deserved it

12335

Favorite

By some_girl_19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58966

You deserved it

9401

Favorite

By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50019

You deserved it

21029

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42426

You deserved it

3959

Favorite

By Nowajerk - Australia

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29574

You deserved it

17589

Favorite

By single lady - United States

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43268

You deserved it

3710

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27411

You deserved it

3159

Favorite

By Idontknowwhattodo - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42929

You deserved it

3481

Favorite

By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Get a grip

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36085

You deserved it

2901

Favorite

By F U mil - 12/8/2020 23:05

I'll get right on it, chief

Today, my mother-in-law called me selfish, lazy and a bad mother for giving my kids chores, like picking up toys and shoes. When we got married, my husband didn’t even know how to load a dishwasher or run a load of laundry. According to her, a "real mother" waits on her family hand and foot. Yeah, OK. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1872

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11497

You deserved it

64125

Favorite

By mahanaaa_23 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me. Less than 3 hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45714

You deserved it

4380

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21586

You deserved it

1892

Favorite

By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10611

You deserved it

27589

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72468

You deserved it

4272

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 12:01 - Israel

Murphy's Law

Today, I had a night shift as a front desk clerk in a nice hotel. Even with 2 years experience, I truly wasn't ready for what was about to happen. From a burned hand by boiling water to unpaid rooms via a guest identification scandal at 3 a.m., everything that could go wrong did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

705

You deserved it

Favorite

By Sivvus - Reserved

Today, I paid £140 for a train ticket. All the seats were full. When I sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me. I paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32750

You deserved it

3324

Favorite

By hahatofunny - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11913

You deserved it

2048

Favorite

By MarBlu - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47558

You deserved it

16405

Favorite

By djfail - United States

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37695

You deserved it

6476

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1361

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By anonymous

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks

646

You deserved it

1595

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Self-circumcision is never the way to go.

Sorry your parents didn't fix that when you were a baby.

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

COMMENTS

By APD16 | 1

#700810 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:21

Ow! I feel sorry for you man, that's really bad when it happens :(

icall_BS | 0

#968386 - Friday 26 March 2010 4:52

Circumcision?
I thought people looked down on that.

iBurnTrees | 6

#1258714 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 20:07

yea seriously. hit up wallmart for some undies lol.

andrewzzz | 0

#1517990 - Friday 8 October 2010 18:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Mons_fml | 27

#4914507 - Monday 10 September 2012 7:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By DeJahVu | 0

#700825 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:27

There something about Marry.

xbiohazardx | 0

#1153233 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 19:36

dejahvu I was thinking the same thing lol and I actually cringed when I read this. :p ouch

timtamslam | 19

#1782742 - Thursday 2 December 2010 10:44

I actually only read this FML to see if anyone thought the same. :D

By APD16 | 1

#700827 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:28

Aw, that sucks man. It's really nasty when that happens :(

MrPlopper | 9

#4838015 - Monday 20 August 2012 9:54

FRANKS AND BEANS!!

By PimhNL | 3

#700843 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:35

rofl ydt

By blland | 0

#700881 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:45

lucky. imagine doing that without foreskin...

By KingHumanity | 0

#700901 - Wednesday 2 December 2009 23:55

Consider yourself lucky.
Would have been a HELL WORSE if you didn't have foreskin.

In before "LOLOL YDI FOR HAVING FORESKIN YOUR DICK IS FUGLY EWWW"

theArmygirl2011 | 0

#2772704 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:14

that's mean!

By perdix | 29

#700913 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

FederalAgent | 0

#701053 - Thursday 3 December 2009 1:06

self circumcision.... lolololololololololololololololol

lydiarobinson | 0

#940670 - Saturday 13 March 2010 1:24

Kudos to you.

DarkWaffle | 0

#1285856 - Sunday 22 August 2010 19:33

Lol perdix alway wins

kiki1705 | 20

#5904798 - Friday 4 April 2014 14:45

Fix? There's nothing to fix if you have foreskin, it's not some mistake to be fixed. It's natural, therefore normal and it has protecting function.

By schnikerdoodles | 0

#700951 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:17

Good thing I had it removed. Hurts even more without it though.

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#700959 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:23

ouch that hurts

By HyperExecuter | 0

#700995 - Thursday 3 December 2009 0:38

ouch