Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and... - FML

By loser - 10/10/2009 20:45 - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 578

You deserved it 61 178

Our house, in the middle of our street

Stop calling

Run, run away pronto

By shitty situation - 28/01/2013 23:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 934

You deserved it 2 965

By KKimrae_ness - 28/05/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 439

You deserved it 47 202

Taking sides

By Anonymous - 14/01/2021 14:01

Today, after months of not wanting anything to do with her dad, my three-year-old was over her phase. During dinner, I play-shoved my husband and he did it back. Our daughter saw him and now keeps saying, "It’s not nice to push mommy." We’re back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 248

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 21:40 - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 102

You deserved it 4 595

Belly Finger

By ihmmil - 18/01/2020 14:00

Today, my husband was trying to be sexy. He asked me if I wanted to sit on his "Belly Finger"! Major mood kill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 369

You deserved it 301

Trans women are women

By Colton - 07/06/2021 20:01

Today, I'm dating a trans girl, who is also my best friend. She confessed to me long ago that she was born male, and that wasn't a big deal to me. The problem is that my family is constantly harassing her, because I should have been "with a real girl instead of a monster with severed genitals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 10:06 - Finland

Spicy

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 770

You deserved it 8 232

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I overheard my best friend's wife telling their kids to pay attention in school and stay focused on their goals so they don't end up a failure in life like their father's friend, Matt. Hi, my name is Matt and I'm the friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 178

You deserved it 5 243

Let's go girls!

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 23:01

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 134

By anon - 30/06/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 833

You deserved it 687

By nothowscienceworks - 13/11/2015 07:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 855

You deserved it 1 719

By Mike - 20/12/2017 01:30

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 869

You deserved it 1 003

By ManInPain - 12/07/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 054

You deserved it 4 896

Birthday Bitch

By Anon - 21/02/2017 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I received an angry phone call from a friend whose birthday party I missed last night. Yesterday, I gave birth to my son. She claims that I ruined her party and demands I still bring her a birthday gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 990

You deserved it 573

By TooGulible - 12/07/2016 20:08 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 223

You deserved it 3 718

Go away

By pokèscared - 10/03/2020 05:00

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 529

Housemates from hell

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 13:58

Today, my housemate saw some stuff in the barn, thought I surely wouldn’t be using it, so he stacked lots of lawn furniture on top. The “stuff” in question? Bales of hay. As in, daily food for my horses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 61

Artistry

By confusing - 06/06/2014 19:00 - Zimbabwe

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 009

You deserved it 6 836

By anonymous - 12/02/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 666

You deserved it 4 686

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 15:35 - Romania

Spicy

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 419

You deserved it 21 009

By TexasGirl24 - 10/09/2016 12:51 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 560

You deserved it 1 190

By Anonymous - 28/01/2017 02:00

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 871

You deserved it 1 865

By brokeforever - 18/03/2015 22:23 - Latvia - Riga

Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 12 259

By ishouldntdrink - 10/01/2010 15:11 - United States

Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 887

You deserved it 39 134

By jellybean_94 - 15/08/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137 258

You deserved it 7 341

By Oh hells no - 16/09/2013 07:26 - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 479

You deserved it 12 082

By Anonymous - 30/03/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 437

You deserved it 15 596

By GuitarChick42 - 04/04/2009 18:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320 538

You deserved it 22 878

By makeyourselfathome - 17/09/2014 12:18 - Australia - Richmond

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 453

You deserved it 3 010

Ouch

By beateneggs - 02/03/2010 19:57 - United States

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 360

You deserved it 3 412

Repetitive

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 04:01

Today, my husband stormed out to the pub because he couldn’t stand listening to my mother droning on and on about the same stories she always tells and the programmes she watches everyday. He didn’t think of taking me with him, so I had to stay and listen to the boring old bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 683

By can't wait to go home - 10/06/2016 19:18 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I lost an art contest to some talentless arsepipe whose piece was literally just a broken heart crudely drawn in her own blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 215

You deserved it 1 971

By Soph - 25/03/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 615

You deserved it 2 860

By helloworld92 - 31/01/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, I hung out with my crush for only the second time at his apartment. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple smirnoff, I puked up the Chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of people I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 083

You deserved it 8 009

By slightlyworried - 05/04/2013 05:28 - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 068

You deserved it 3 321

By Rachel - 01/03/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 128

You deserved it 4 819

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 129

You deserved it 4 695

By UkuleleTime - 23/06/2015 08:07 - United States - Garner

Spicy

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 730

You deserved it 2 392

By Inthedumps - 23/07/2014 00:51 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 830

You deserved it 3 590

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 306

You deserved it 14 420

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Top comments

superstephen4 5

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

wow. I can imagine doing that

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:28

Don't guys need to... aim? Do you usually just let it flop about while you pee?

Comments

superstephen4 5

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:25

wow. I can imagine doing that

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Sunday 11 October 2009 2:08

Somebody peed in your pants?

Reyo 2

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Sunday 11 October 2009 7:31

I'm noticing that most, if not ALL of the FMLs innvolving the OP being shitfucked drunk are YDIs

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Sunday 11 October 2009 7:37

I was gonna say FYL, but i realized the guy who posted this was french... so YDI

Reyo 2

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Sunday 11 October 2009 9:11

You do know Freddy Mercury from Queen took it in the pooper, right? Just thought you should know that since you're comparing yourself to them.

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Monday 12 October 2009 7:34

Reyo - are you a homophobe? I bet it tears you up inside that Freddie Mercury was more man than you could ever hope to be in your life. :D

F3n0m 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:19

I don't know but I bet Freddy Murcury got torn up inside.... giggity. btw I love queen!!!

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Thursday 24 March 2011 19:42

it would have been fml if you weren't drunk.

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Wednesday 10 August 2011 11:23

57 your point being?

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:28

Ouch D: I hate it when I forget to move my tie.

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Thursday 14 February 2013 6:57

???

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 3:42

He means when his long tie hangs down it blocks his stream.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:28

Don't guys need to... aim? Do you usually just let it flop about while you pee?

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Sunday 11 October 2009 2:09

not only do we let it flop about, we also swing it about so the pee can get everywhere. trust me!

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Sunday 11 October 2009 3:10

You spin me right ‘round, baby Right ‘round like a record, baby Right ‘round, ‘round, ‘round, You spin me right ‘round, baby Right ‘round like a record, baby Right ‘round, ‘round, ‘round

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Sunday 11 October 2009 3:17

Oh god lol

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Sunday 5 February 2012 9:59

Not if you have a stiffy

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Saturday 12 November 2016 20:01

Not if it's short. Then he always stands at attention.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:28

hahahhahahahhahahahaha i always check my zippers before i leve my room or bathroom xD

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:28

LMAO... nicely done

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:31

you totally deserved it for being that drunk

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:39

first

suckstobeyou3 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:47

Fail.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 4:44

Maybe you were just iPhone first or iPod first. Unfortunately the app delays it. Or maybe you're just a troll.

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Friday 21 May 2010 5:32

fuken fail

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:45

Em, you wouldn't remember it if you were THAT fucked...

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Sunday 11 October 2009 6:07

It's possible to remember those kind of "Oh shit" moments when you're wasted. I have a friend who can get absolutely hammered, pass out, vomit, and when he wakes up, all he remembers is vomiting. OR, it's possible that the OP a) had someone point it out later on or b) realised his pants were covered in pee and put two and two together.

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Friday 28 June 2019 4:18

some people can remember being f'ed my mom can get hammered and still remember everything we talked about. before I had kids I never blacked out I remembered not so much anymore...

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:48

EWWW ! You lose , fail game over go home.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 1:49

That is disgusting

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 170

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 744