Miscellaneous: Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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Miscellaneous

Blender time!

Gentle

Rock and a hard place

By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By NotGay - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

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By ollie

Today, I spent 30 minutes listening to my crush complain about a stalker that's been sending her flowers and love poems almost every week. It's me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charles City

A Natural Snack!

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

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By tantanpanda - United States

Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By lababy - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

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By Fatass - United States - Knoxville

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

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By gooddaydude - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By HardTimes

Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By notimpressed - United Kingdom

Today, a kid with severe Down's came into my workplace, as he does every day. He's has an obsession with me, sitting at a table, staring and taking photos of me all day. His parents have no problem with this, because they think it's a miracle that he can focus so much attention on me for so long. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 16:01 - United States - Nashville

Chain reaction

Today, my 7-month-old spit up on the floor. My 3-year-old puts their hands in it, sniffed, and puked. Then sticks their hands in their own puke, sniffed, and puked again. FML

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By notmarryingyou - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By why - United States - Tucson

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

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By Darkparcero33 - 28/2/2021 08:01

Love in the time of coronavirus

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Then my COVID test came back as positive. FML

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By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

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By thermos - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

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By Miki13 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By noluckwhatsoever - United States

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It's been 3 hours and still no call. FML

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By someonevexed - Germany

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

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By Motha - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with saying "your mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I did with my pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

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By AirOne - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

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By loser4life - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

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By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By KittyKat168 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By jjkk - 23/1/2021 05:02

Good night, sleep tight

Today, I have been trying to stop sleeping during the day, so I decided to clean my room to keep myself awake. Four hours later, I woke up on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By DMStarsky - United States

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

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Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By Kelly - United States

Today, I was babysitting a young boy. I accidentally let a few words slip when I dropped something. He won't stop dropping the F bomb and his mother is coming to get him in the morning. FML

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Top comments

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

By mel92_fml | 0

#159708 - Friday 1 May 2009 16:04

why didn't you just pee in a bush or something?

COMMENTS

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

breenarae25 | 0

#1405576 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 1:17

ownedurmom | 1

#3296330 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:59

WTF!!!?!?!?!

JEnglish89 | 1

#3457655 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 23:36

It's a joke...

imagleek42 | 4

#4036499 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 2:53

Gay

Rowdey | 10

#4517130 - Sunday 3 June 2012 18:19

Pop a squat.

aksweetheart | 7

#4926818 - Thursday 13 September 2012 5:52

^its definitely cop a squat...

By tdutch712 | 0

#159610 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

thats disgusting.

By 24788 | 6

#159611 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

I've had this happen one time before. I didn't pee myself, but it sucked. FYL

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159615 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

Aww, I feel for you. That happened to me when I was about 10. It was the middle of the night, I was on a residential school trip, and you had to enter a code to unlock the toilet block. =(

By suckerz | 0

#159616 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

well you could have peed outside instead of in your pants...

http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=pxshfow8slf7iax0mk5n8bj6h0ca3j

By nailmetoapig | 0

#159627 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:25

That's a little bit awful. Squat in a bush, or something... http://tinyurl.com/djo7fp

By audereyy | 0

#159647 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

not your fault....u gotta go when u gotta go!

By BigLord | 0

#159648 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

The key snapping in half? Try not being able to open the door at all, fortunately there were two doors and one of them suddenly got vacant. I rushed in as fast as I can, what a friggin relief.

By 24788 | 6

#159655 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:37

#8 I was confused for 2 minutes. Wondering what the hell you were even talking about.

The reason post #5 and #6 have been deleted, so I kept reading #4 to try to figure it out. FML.

I'm guessing it was advertising.

By rukusrazor | 0

#159685 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:54

I've been there, rush hour traffic is usually where this happens to me. I'm walking to my lot after work, realize I gotta piss but there aren't bathrooms in the skyway.. So I gotta make it home. I usually have to sacrifice a water bottle or two in my car. Fucking traffic.