Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as...

By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Buzzing the tower

Risky business

By fmmlll - 18/10/2010 08:56 - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

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By Anon - 18/5/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By Rednbumpy - 18/1/2017 08:00

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 11:10 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

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By Ape - 17/12/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By Syrinth - 21/7/2010 16:09 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By Beard - 8/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By scared2poop - 12/4/2016 02:30 - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 14:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

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By oakley - 7/1/2017 09:15

Today, I went to start my new job, only to find out that the guy who hired me had no permission to do so. I had to fill out another application, and complete another interview and I still might not get the damn job. FML

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By parisite - 1/10/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By emeraldapostle - 17/5/2019 01:59

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia

Itchy and Scratchy

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

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By alexbobalex - 11/1/2010 07:23 - Aland Islands

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

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By Josh - 6/3/2015 00:25 - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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By fourfootnine - 7/3/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By John Doe - 10/1/2020 05:00

Still the same

Today, my mom showed to my girlfriend my naked baby photos. My girlfriend said, "Nothing’s changed." FML

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By shunned - 3/11/2010 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

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By missmirror - 2/5/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

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By HDCkid - 5/4/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

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By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

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By Taylor - 20/7/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML

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By graduate - 6/6/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 20:03

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By Can you say "bandwagon"? - 3/10/2012 21:33 - United States

Today, my neighbors discovered Gangnam Style. Ever since I moved in, they've had an obsession with getting wasted by noon and blasting out shitty music all through the evening. I could just about deal with their dubstep fixation before, but now I just want to blow my own head off. FML

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By Sergie - 4/6/2010 09:28 - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

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By Goki - 6/6/2009 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By freezingtodeath - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I ran into Target's dressing rooms to try pants on, leaving my full cart outside. An employee thought it had been left there, and took it to put the stuff back. My coat, hat, gloves were in it. I had to walk home. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - 17/8/2013 22:40 - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By rolled - 27/1/2018 01:30

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2012 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

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By jaqlove - 2/7/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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By owngoalscored - 22/9/2018 22:00

Today, I was watching a movie that had a mild sex scene in it. My mother walked in just as that scene was starting and she flipped out. I'm now grounded. She's taken my TV and laptop out of my room and refuses to let me see my boyfriend because she's sure he's the cause of my "disgusting behaviour". FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 14/6/2020 05:04

Forever alone, forever

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

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Top comments

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

By mel92_fml | 0

#159708 - Friday 1 May 2009 16:04

why didn't you just pee in a bush or something?

COMMENTS

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

breenarae25 | 0

#1405576 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 1:17

ownedurmom | 1

#3296330 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:59

WTF!!!?!?!?!

JEnglish89 | 1

#3457655 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 23:36

It's a joke...

imagleek42 | 4

#4036499 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 2:53

Gay

Rowdey | 10

#4517130 - Sunday 3 June 2012 18:19

Pop a squat.

aksweetheart | 7

#4926818 - Thursday 13 September 2012 5:52

^its definitely cop a squat...

By tdutch712 | 0

#159610 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

thats disgusting.

By 24788 | 6

#159611 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

I've had this happen one time before. I didn't pee myself, but it sucked. FYL

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159615 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

Aww, I feel for you. That happened to me when I was about 10. It was the middle of the night, I was on a residential school trip, and you had to enter a code to unlock the toilet block. =(

By suckerz | 0

#159616 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

well you could have peed outside instead of in your pants...

http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=pxshfow8slf7iax0mk5n8bj6h0ca3j

By nailmetoapig | 0

#159627 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:25

That's a little bit awful. Squat in a bush, or something... http://tinyurl.com/djo7fp

By audereyy | 0

#159647 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

not your fault....u gotta go when u gotta go!

By BigLord | 0

#159648 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

The key snapping in half? Try not being able to open the door at all, fortunately there were two doors and one of them suddenly got vacant. I rushed in as fast as I can, what a friggin relief.

By 24788 | 6

#159655 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:37

#8 I was confused for 2 minutes. Wondering what the hell you were even talking about.

The reason post #5 and #6 have been deleted, so I kept reading #4 to try to figure it out. FML.

I'm guessing it was advertising.

By rukusrazor | 0

#159685 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:54

I've been there, rush hour traffic is usually where this happens to me. I'm walking to my lot after work, realize I gotta piss but there aren't bathrooms in the skyway.. So I gotta make it home. I usually have to sacrifice a water bottle or two in my car. Fucking traffic.