Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as...

By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55774

You deserved it

13626

Favorite

Miscellaneous

All in the family

Assumptions

Don't give up

By gengiskarn69 - 12/3/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8937

You deserved it

38488

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17134

You deserved it

27767

Favorite

By johnfrank - 26/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks

67556

You deserved it

35182

Favorite

By Pierceew - 19/9/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40490

You deserved it

37696

Favorite

By IAmACoolCat - 5/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35399

You deserved it

4926

Favorite

By BirthdayTeeth - 16/6/2009 11:14 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54878

You deserved it

4225

Favorite

By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9224

You deserved it

86039

Favorite

By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29426

You deserved it

2424

Favorite

By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29794

You deserved it

2393

Favorite

By Grandmas lost it - 28/8/2013 04:48 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39633

You deserved it

3502

Favorite

By Jen_ - 26/1/2012 22:08 - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30369

You deserved it

2982

Favorite

By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66988

You deserved it

9737

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28019

You deserved it

5312

Favorite

By sicktomystomach - 2/5/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70549

You deserved it

5189

Favorite

By sad life - 26/1/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29451

You deserved it

4788

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26387

You deserved it

4231

Favorite

By anonymous - 10/9/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39859

You deserved it

3337

Favorite

By dukemisery - 5/11/2016 08:53 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9702

You deserved it

746

Favorite

By khlonnae - 21/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

I agree, your life sucks

4172

You deserved it

534

Favorite

By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

864

You deserved it

2110

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 01:31 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31708

You deserved it

7606

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29873

You deserved it

4928

Favorite

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46075

You deserved it

28976

Favorite

By bluehairedfreakgirl - 1/6/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45375

You deserved it

38634

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 17:04 - United Kingdom - Bromley

Today, I took my driver's test. I was confident and thought everything would go well. My boss ended up calling me several times during the test. Turns out my colleague never showed up to cover for me, and my boss blamed me. Not only did I fail my test, I'm now suspended from work too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26924

You deserved it

2734

Favorite

By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28337

You deserved it

9607

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12910

You deserved it

41267

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/10/2018 14:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3628

You deserved it

464

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1266

You deserved it

365

Favorite

By Deidle-dee - 26/10/2010 16:37 - United States

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40667

You deserved it

4651

Favorite

By notsoclean - 24/12/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45221

You deserved it

3662

Favorite

By anonymous - 5/7/2013 06:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57546

You deserved it

3369

Favorite

By Mary - 5/3/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to go down the stairs two steps at a time. I slipped, fell flat on my ass, and busted my lower lip against my overbite. When I tried to get up, I realized I had also peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1961

You deserved it

1206

Favorite

By savanna - 3/5/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. 30 minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34184

You deserved it

4537

Favorite

By Jane - 22/12/2012 23:29 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40779

You deserved it

6118

Favorite

By awkwardpartybear - 4/1/2014 23:43 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44701

You deserved it

17568

Favorite

By hannah - 26/6/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

233

Favorite

By hedayk - 15/5/2015 20:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24193

You deserved it

11879

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 06:39 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25862

You deserved it

2530

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 13:35 - Canada

Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn't. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, "I had fun last night, we should do it again". My date left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36248

You deserved it

2700

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

By mel92_fml | 0

#159708 - Friday 1 May 2009 16:04

why didn't you just pee in a bush or something?

Comments

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

breenarae25 | 0

#1405576 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 1:17

ownedurmom | 1

#3296330 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:59

WTF!!!?!?!?!

JEnglish89 | 1

#3457655 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 23:36

It's a joke...

imagleek42 | 4

#4036499 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 2:53

Gay

Rowdey | 10

#4517130 - Sunday 3 June 2012 18:19

Pop a squat.

aksweetheart | 7

#4926818 - Thursday 13 September 2012 5:52

^its definitely cop a squat...

By tdutch712 | 0

#159610 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

thats disgusting.

By 24788 | 6

#159611 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

I've had this happen one time before. I didn't pee myself, but it sucked. FYL

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159615 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

Aww, I feel for you. That happened to me when I was about 10. It was the middle of the night, I was on a residential school trip, and you had to enter a code to unlock the toilet block. =(

By suckerz | 0

#159616 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

well you could have peed outside instead of in your pants...

http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=pxshfow8slf7iax0mk5n8bj6h0ca3j

By nailmetoapig | 0

#159627 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:25

That's a little bit awful. Squat in a bush, or something... http://tinyurl.com/djo7fp

By audereyy | 0

#159647 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

not your fault....u gotta go when u gotta go!

By BigLord | 0

#159648 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

The key snapping in half? Try not being able to open the door at all, fortunately there were two doors and one of them suddenly got vacant. I rushed in as fast as I can, what a friggin relief.

By 24788 | 6

#159655 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:37

#8 I was confused for 2 minutes. Wondering what the hell you were even talking about.

The reason post #5 and #6 have been deleted, so I kept reading #4 to try to figure it out. FML.

I'm guessing it was advertising.

By rukusrazor | 0

#159685 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:54

I've been there, rush hour traffic is usually where this happens to me. I'm walking to my lot after work, realize I gotta piss but there aren't bathrooms in the skyway.. So I gotta make it home. I usually have to sacrifice a water bottle or two in my car. Fucking traffic.