Miscellaneous: Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Instadrama

Sweet dude

By Anonymous - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By Anon

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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By Uriyahu - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By CatOwner - United States

Today, my father spent half an hour trying to convert my cat to Christianity. He has already done this with my other two cats. He's completely serious and thinks they are born-again Christians. FML

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

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By NoFriends - Australia

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

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By Demotivation - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

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By Banker - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By notaguidette - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

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By yaa - Canada

Today, on my way out of the subway station, I noticed an older woman standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a large cart. I went up to her and asked if she needed help getting it up the stairs. She looks me up and down and says, "No, not from you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Impressionist - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By Sam

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By oktober2nd - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

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By ronz

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By reesemaster - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By Stellarum - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By Fmyoffice - United Kingdom

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 02:00

Contradictions everywhere

Today, I was demoted from my job because I didn't volunteer to help out with my job during COVID-19. I texted them on the day of sign-up to see if they had enough people. I was told since I was there not to worry about it. FML

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By julie - United States

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

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By uvagirl - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

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By andrew

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By mokki - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By KalaKa - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

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By Kylene - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By kikinemo - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By elle_hamilton - 25/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Cashback

Today, when I told a gentleman that, no, he couldn't have cash back on his return without a receipt, he started screaming at me that I was calling his mother a liar. He told me to lawyer up and yelled at me for smiling at him. He also screamed at me to go on a diet as he left the store. FML

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By conspicuous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 14:03 - United States - Springfield

Facts over feelings

Today, I noticed that my mom still has me saved in her phone with my married name. I told her she could change it back to my maiden name. She said, "Not until it's legal!" My husband and I have been separated for more than 2 years and my divorce will be finalized in 2 days. She still won't change it. FML

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Top comments

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

By mel92_fml | 0

#159708 - Friday 1 May 2009 16:04

why didn't you just pee in a bush or something?

COMMENTS

By papertigers_fml | 0

#159608 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

hot.

breenarae25 | 0

#1405576 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 1:17

ownedurmom | 1

#3296330 - Friday 16 September 2011 3:59

WTF!!!?!?!?!

JEnglish89 | 1

#3457655 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 23:36

It's a joke...

imagleek42 | 4

#4036499 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 2:53

Gay

Rowdey | 10

#4517130 - Sunday 3 June 2012 18:19

Pop a squat.

aksweetheart | 7

#4926818 - Thursday 13 September 2012 5:52

^its definitely cop a squat...

By tdutch712 | 0

#159610 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

thats disgusting.

By 24788 | 6

#159611 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:20

I've had this happen one time before. I didn't pee myself, but it sucked. FYL

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159615 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

Aww, I feel for you. That happened to me when I was about 10. It was the middle of the night, I was on a residential school trip, and you had to enter a code to unlock the toilet block. =(

By suckerz | 0

#159616 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:21

well you could have peed outside instead of in your pants...

http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=pxshfow8slf7iax0mk5n8bj6h0ca3j

By nailmetoapig | 0

#159627 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:25

That's a little bit awful. Squat in a bush, or something... http://tinyurl.com/djo7fp

By audereyy | 0

#159647 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

not your fault....u gotta go when u gotta go!

By BigLord | 0

#159648 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:33

The key snapping in half? Try not being able to open the door at all, fortunately there were two doors and one of them suddenly got vacant. I rushed in as fast as I can, what a friggin relief.

By 24788 | 6

#159655 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:37

#8 I was confused for 2 minutes. Wondering what the hell you were even talking about.

The reason post #5 and #6 have been deleted, so I kept reading #4 to try to figure it out. FML.

I'm guessing it was advertising.

By rukusrazor | 0

#159685 - Friday 1 May 2009 15:54

I've been there, rush hour traffic is usually where this happens to me. I'm walking to my lot after work, realize I gotta piss but there aren't bathrooms in the skyway.. So I gotta make it home. I usually have to sacrifice a water bottle or two in my car. Fucking traffic.