Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with...

By Patrick - 27/1/2010 11:55 - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

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Intimacy

Basic Instinct

Deep-seated resentment

Doomed

By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By not eyelid - 20/9/2016 19:53 - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 05:00

Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML

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By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By Nutellalover - 19/10/2012 14:19 - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By Shenza - 17/6/2012 12:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

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By canessadawn - 17/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By mathii - 23/7/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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By Emoney1 - 26/5/2011 14:06 - Canada

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

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By - 26/2/2020 20:00

No thanks

Today, I ask the guy that I like if he want to go to lunch tomorrow at a local restaurant. He answer that he doesn't like their food. I think that's is a no. FML

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By Anonymousse - 13/11/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML

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By captainfail - 14/7/2009 15:27 - Germany

Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML

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By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By pirsquared - 28/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By jobless - 10/4/2015 06:28 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML

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By Sweeney - 20/5/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/9/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

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By JasonX0656 - 29/1/2017 06:00 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - 31/3/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By Numbass123 - 4/5/2014 17:17 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

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By mrricecakes - 23/3/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By brokewithnocar - 21/1/2017 20:00

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By Tipless - 7/11/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was working as a Valet driver. After getting no customers for 5 hours in the pouring rain, a woman driving by stops and asks me for directions. Before leaving, she said, "I should probably tip you for that, since that's probably the only money you'd get all night." She didn't. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2010 00:08 - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I'm being admitted to the hospital for severe exhaustion. Why am I exhausted? For spending 12 hours at the hospital while my sister gave birth. The same hospital I'm being admitted to. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - 19/10/2012 21:39 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By dorrisdoes - 28/7/2014 20:47 - New Zealand

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

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By forever alone - 9/5/2015 23:03 - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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By anonymous - 31/3/2015 16:47 - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

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By PizzaPants - 29/2/2016 18:12 - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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By gj09 - 22/11/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By edgyasfuck23 - 13/5/2016 17:09 - United States - Blairsville

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

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Top comments

By actorboy461 | 0

#802634 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

That sucks....
& apparently she does too =P

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#802986 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:48

today I just lost my man card. to my girlfriend. fml

COMMENTS

By grungecat | 0

#802625 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

ydi

aaronsko | 0

#802631 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

ydi for not making a move on her..

YeahFMLxX | 0

#803738 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:00

Pics - if your hot..

hellokittywhore | 0

#1140734 - Monday 26 July 2010 3:27

lol same with my current boy friend, untill I came along that is!! :D

leela11 | 0

#2438846 - Sunday 1 May 2011 15:55

no shit Sherlock Holmes

swearmonkey | 0

#3248389 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 23:12

Woo-hoo! Rise against!

By SocialAnarchyX5 | 0

#802633 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

That is awesome!

Trevv | 0

#902460 - Monday 1 March 2010 3:21

I have the video...

ranamile | 0

#3837010 - Friday 6 January 2012 2:01

I know!!!

By actorboy461 | 0

#802634 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

That sucks....
& apparently she does too =P

irsmeagol | 0

#802981 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:44

you mean munch? :D

Bertha5 | 0

#803031 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:08

aahhhaa! is she a lesboo?

acuraintegraman | 3

#2268428 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 21:44

obviously

By infiniti_G | 0

#802652 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:26

THREESOME ANYONE..?
YLIFA

RaKum12 | 0

#803955 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:22

agree with #5

PedoPancakes | 7

#3911791 - Friday 20 January 2012 2:24

Hahaha :D your awesome #5

Sansational_ | 18

#6526658 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 16:08

Agreed #5

By ScaryyMary | 14

#802700 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:39

Yeah, but it's ok because the OP has gone further with a guy than his girlfriend will ever dream of.

BoostaRoosta | 0

#803883 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:57

ohhhhh damn u gonna take that OP?????

quietlytearful | 0

#805369 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:29

lol- gay gay gay
don't kill me! imma just joking!

By happyhak | 5

#802711 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:44

ha ha!

rowyourboat | 0

#802759 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:04

haha, what a fail. :L
YDI though for not making a move.

By Dopeyrox | 0

#802800 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:18

your gf is awesome

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1588251 - Saturday 23 October 2010 3:17

indeed she is....

By love2bu | 0

#802801 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:19

lol...that's sorta funny. it's awesome that you would write a fml like that!

By ccc01 | 1

#802820 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:23

Unless she has a strapon (which can be debated if that qualifies as Home base), she can only get to third. Go get a hooker and one-up her!

blinkingstarlet | 15

#3128785 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 23:11

this comment just makes you look super smart... asshole...

By Houndourpup | 0

#802897 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:02

No one cares she's your ex.