Intimacy: Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with...

By Patrick - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

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26387

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Intimacy

Family values

Doomed

Ideal first date

By maximumpower - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant in town, when this small boy starts looking at me. I simply smiled and went back to eating, only to hear out of the corner of my ear, "Daddy, why does that kids face look like that"? He said it so loud 3 tables next to us turned and looked. FML

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53037

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By momma - Canada - Toronto

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

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50897

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By Anonymous - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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5546

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427

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By dating a fking cnt - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

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26643

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1219

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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26003

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By Jebus - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

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28679

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By thefatnurse - United States - Roswell

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said; "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

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33120

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

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48645

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By Look's like she's paying all of it now.

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3729

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

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11171

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By anonymous - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

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24203

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2070

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By Anonymous - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21075

You deserved it

1343

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

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54704

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11124

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By tdizzlehi - 28/8/2020 02:00 - United States - Boston

Won't someone think of the economy?

Today, after coming out of a meeting during which I promised my employees better wages, I was met at the door by my CEO telling me to lay off all the employees I just talked to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1668

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199

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By Anonymous - Australia - Auburn

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30332

You deserved it

2834

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo. They put a new monkey cage in my designated spot. I was literally fired so a monkey could take my place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39949

You deserved it

5058

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

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8157

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By cantprovenothing - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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28510

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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1907

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By Anonymous - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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38228

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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29366

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By lamponau - France

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

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36433

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By simpleasjam - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

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9120

You deserved it

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By jay-frey96 - United States - San Diego

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

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45491

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By Sorry - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

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25689

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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40882

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By Zanquis

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

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3065

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

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54921

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By CodeJunky - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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18543

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

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46636

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By Lily

Today, I did a sprint in gym class. Despite being the skinniest in the class, I ran slower than everyone else, including two morbidly obese people. FML

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2053

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63944

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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8128

You deserved it

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By fatty - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30584

You deserved it

8155

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By Anonymous

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1483

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213

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By apparentfatty - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35221

You deserved it

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By Ugh - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32737

You deserved it

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By soreloser - United States - Manhattan

Today, I beat my extremely competitive friend in a game of pool. He responded by breaking a pool stick over my head. FML

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47759

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Top comments

By actorboy461 | 0

#802634 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

That sucks....
& apparently she does too =P

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#802986 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:48

today I just lost my man card. to my girlfriend. fml

COMMENTS

By grungecat | 0

#802625 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:20

ydi

aaronsko | 0

#802631 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

ydi for not making a move on her..

YeahFMLxX | 0

#803738 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:00

Pics - if your hot..

hellokittywhore | 0

#1140734 - Monday 26 July 2010 3:27

lol same with my current boy friend, untill I came along that is!! :D

leela11 | 0

#2438846 - Sunday 1 May 2011 15:55

no shit Sherlock Holmes

swearmonkey | 0

#3248389 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 23:12

Woo-hoo! Rise against!

By SocialAnarchyX5 | 0

#802633 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:22

That is awesome!

Trevv | 0

#902460 - Monday 1 March 2010 3:21

I have the video...

ranamile | 0

#3837010 - Friday 6 January 2012 2:01

I know!!!

By actorboy461 | 0

#802634 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:23

That sucks....
& apparently she does too =P

irsmeagol | 0

#802981 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:44

you mean munch? :D

Bertha5 | 0

#803031 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:08

aahhhaa! is she a lesboo?

acuraintegraman | 3

#2268428 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 21:44

obviously

By infiniti_G | 0

#802652 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:26

THREESOME ANYONE..?
YLIFA

RaKum12 | 0

#803955 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:22

agree with #5

PedoPancakes | 7

#3911791 - Friday 20 January 2012 2:24

Hahaha :D your awesome #5

Sansational_ | 18

#6526658 - Tuesday 2 February 2016 16:08

Agreed #5

By ScaryyMary | 14

#802700 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:39

Yeah, but it's ok because the OP has gone further with a guy than his girlfriend will ever dream of.

BoostaRoosta | 0

#803883 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:57

ohhhhh damn u gonna take that OP?????

quietlytearful | 0

#805369 - Thursday 28 January 2010 21:29

lol- gay gay gay
don't kill me! imma just joking!

By happyhak | 5

#802711 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 20:44

ha ha!

rowyourboat | 0

#802759 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:04

haha, what a fail. :L
YDI though for not making a move.

By Dopeyrox | 0

#802800 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:18

your gf is awesome

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1588251 - Saturday 23 October 2010 3:17

indeed she is....

By love2bu | 0

#802801 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:19

lol...that's sorta funny. it's awesome that you would write a fml like that!

By ccc01 | 1

#802820 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:23

Unless she has a strapon (which can be debated if that qualifies as Home base), she can only get to third. Go get a hooker and one-up her!

blinkingstarlet | 15

#3128785 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 23:11

this comment just makes you look super smart... asshole...

By Houndourpup | 0

#802897 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 22:02

No one cares she's your ex.