By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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Understandable

Compassion

Hello everyone!

By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 12:00 - United States - Staten Island

No balls activity

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By unemployed - 20/4/2013 00:16 - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

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By heather - 20/6/2011 22:25 - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

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By Wtffmlfs - 26/9/2019 04:01

Modern Family

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

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By Mack - 9/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

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By sissica - 11/2/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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By Ted, E. Vic - 1/5/2016 05:39 - United States

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

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By probablydeadbymidnight - 1/7/2012 22:57 - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

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By biscuit - 7/1/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

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By Sudokori - 7/9/2017 01:30

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

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By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

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By brizzle - 5/4/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite - 17/8/2018 15:00

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

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By GodDaughter - 20/9/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 09:09 - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By vreenya - 8/4/2014 20:13 - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2015 10:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By Laura - 22/9/2019 12:00 - Paraguay

What's my name?

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

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By Sammmmi - 22/6/2016 18:35 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - 24/1/2010 00:26 - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By lydiacoolness - 8/8/2009 02:27 - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By Noname - 17/1/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

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By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2012 02:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the beach, my boyfriend picked me up and carried me over his shoulder. I felt my bikini top come undone in the process. I panicked and pulled down on his shorts. We were fined for indecent exposure. FML

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By zachadams - 16/9/2013 21:03 - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By good_gravy - 20/2/2012 19:39 - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - 13/12/2012 08:01 - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Yousaidyouweremoving - 11/12/2016 16:23 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML

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By Ellen - 26/2/2010 19:58 - Norway

Today, I was browsing a website where you can talk to strangers anonymously, when I met a guy I really hit it off with. After talking for two hours, we decided to keep in touch, just in time for me to hit the "Next Person" button by mistake. There's no way to undo it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By really though? - 3/8/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, I was taking an order for a patron at the casino. The policy is to "pay first." After explaining this to him, he still refused to pay. After years of being polite, I finally cracked and said, "You are making this really f-ing difficult". This particular patron was our CEO's son. FML

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Top comments

By [email protected] | 9

#7860355 - Monday 18 November 2019 19:56

suck it up princess, maybe you should be more caring to your parents first

By J15237 | 19

#7860977 - Thursday 21 November 2019 1:53

Happy Late Birthday. I am sorry that happened to you.

COMMENTS

By [email protected] | 9

#7860355 - Monday 18 November 2019 19:56

suck it up princess, maybe you should be more caring to your parents first

By J15237 | 19

#7860977 - Thursday 21 November 2019 1:53

Happy Late Birthday. I am sorry that happened to you.