Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 93

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 53

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 27

26/03/2009 16:36

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136 810

You deserved it 10 507

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

There's no helping some people

25/07/2009 18:32

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 751

You deserved it 60 315

02/12/2010 00:36

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 524

You deserved it 35 800

Awkward family gatherings

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 16:01

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 3 438

Legalize it!

By fml9124 - 07/11/2020 17:02

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 1 059

06/09/2015 04:00

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 559

You deserved it 2 123

31/10/2012 17:23

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 015

You deserved it 1 946

Frugality

By Gingertabs - 23/08/2021 22:00

Today, I found out I am only entitled to £63 government assistance a month. I haven't worked or even left house for a year and a half, as my agoraphobia/anxiety has spiraled out of control. I don't know how I'm going to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 275

05/09/2011 23:14

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 239

You deserved it 4 001

16/09/2011 22:10

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 2 217

22/02/2009 19:02

Today, I finally won an ongoing battle with my family to go to a restaurant I like, rather than a restaurant I hate with a passion. Now I'm throwing up, and my back is killing me. I'm the only one who got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 673

You deserved it 12 341

01/12/2016 08:07

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 774

You deserved it 747

28/07/2014 01:55

Spicy

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 394

You deserved it 5 484

07/09/2011 15:11

Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 190

You deserved it 2 307

26/08/2011 23:32

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 040

You deserved it 3 218

15/09/2013 19:53

Spicy

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 632

You deserved it 30 675

11/02/2017 17:00

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 314

You deserved it 3 886

06/03/2010 17:13

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 550

You deserved it 49 749

Overkill or fair?

By Pineapple does go on pizza - 24/08/2018 01:30

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 105

You deserved it 1 141

01/08/2015 17:17

Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 760

You deserved it 2 068

Sticky situation

By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 84

10/12/2012 07:47

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 167

You deserved it 3 356

Perv

By niquey62307 - 08/12/2009 03:36

Spicy

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 230

You deserved it 5 733

28/02/2010 01:32

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 206

You deserved it 6 720

02/11/2014 04:51

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 7 599

30/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I had to finally accept that no amount of communication, directions, or diagrams will make my otherwise great boyfriend good at sex. When he's on top, he thrusts like the tin man with no oil. When I'm on top, he lays there like a sedated mattress. He refuses to try anything new. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 878

You deserved it 398

17/03/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 332

You deserved it 210

06/09/2013 11:56

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 480

You deserved it 4 974

Stealth bomber

By Jogger - 19/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 113

16/07/2011 13:28

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 182

You deserved it 4 746

16/07/2009 12:00

Today, I finished my project two weeks early. Now I am being laid off because there is no work to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 002

You deserved it 4 081

Earplugs, stat!

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 06:00

Spicy

Today, my grandpa forgot that my aunt set up a baby monitor in his bedroom in case of a fall. I’m sitting in the living room with his wife - who is deaf - and I hear him moaning over the baby monitor. My grandfather was jerking off and forgot that someone could hear him. I wish I could forget too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 238

You deserved it 78

24/12/2011 02:49

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 119

You deserved it 41 632

23/12/2018 14:00

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 664

You deserved it 168

16/10/2015 08:39

Spicy

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 926

You deserved it 7 895

16/09/2012 07:00

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 004

You deserved it 6 785

02/06/2013 06:06

Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 750

You deserved it 6 495

21/02/2010 17:54

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 006

You deserved it 3 243

25/06/2009 19:15

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 522

You deserved it 4 163

02/02/2009 04:31

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 751

You deserved it 7 024

11/08/2011 06:04

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 340

You deserved it 4 108

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:02

In my experience its the adorable ones that make the best lovers. She's missing out.

Shadowflames420 0

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:01

She cheating on you.

Comments

theanamachine 0

Send a private message

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

that sucks lol

trollskitroll 0

Send a private message

Saturday 8 August 2009 0:20

Get a new bitch

Send a private message

Tuesday 23 February 2010 1:28

dump the bitch

DenisTheMenace 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 21 April 2010 14:37

turn into a bamf for the night..

Send a private message

Thursday 10 June 2010 6:10

just because she said that you don't have call her a bitch. you could be a little more consite and not be such and bitch yourself

willthelaxlegend 0

Send a private message

Saturday 5 February 2011 16:41

158 she is a bitch a giant one

Send a private message

Monday 8 December 2014 0:29

168, That's not being a bitch. That's called a test. She loves him, but for him to have sex with her, she wants to see another side in him, one that's not so cute and cuddly, but more badass and sexy without having to be an asshole.

shorgenfunkel 0

Send a private message

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:59

Bail out; she can't be taken seriously.

dancingxthexmoon 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 29 December 2010 10:18

No, I think just wants you to prove her wrong.

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 August 2013 0:26

ABANDON SHIP

xyzyx 0

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:01

DUMP HER NOW!!!! I've been there, it isn't fun!

BillyDisselhorst 3

Send a private message

Wednesday 7 March 2012 14:06

Amen

Shadowflames420 0

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:01

She cheating on you.

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:02

In my experience its the adorable ones that make the best lovers. She's missing out.

Send a private message

Sunday 12 August 2018 0:52

I'll keep that in mind

puffingdragons 0

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:03

Probably cheating on you and saying that so she can feel better inside.

podrummer9209 0

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:06

You know, I had this situation once. The proper reply is to say "Humor me" and then totally blow her mind.

Send a private message

Thursday 1 December 2011 20:47

Or blow something else

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:07

Well, your life is just blown.

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:08

fucking LOL. This is like someone telling you that you have incurable cancer. A Jawdropper indeed. I have no asshole comment for you sir, you've been burned enough today, good day.

Send a private message

Saturday 21 July 2012 16:05

This is nothing like someone telling you your life is over, dickhead. He can find another girl, but I don't think people can switch out bodies. People can make cancer jokes, but don't ever compare it to something like this. No one can know how it feels unless they have felt or have people describe the pain and the pure fatigue from radiation treatment. Bitch please

Send a private message

Friday 27 March 2009 0:08

dump the bitch