Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy... - FML

By lollipopp56 - 26/3/2009 06:09 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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Understandable

Season finale

Mind your own beeswax

By hoggypig - 23/4/2012 13:00

Today, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing and waved at the driver of the car who'd stopped, just to say thank you. She stuck her middle finger up at me. FML

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By propose_you_freakin_coward - 27/9/2013 12:51 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was insulted and harassed by my sister and her boyfriend, all because I proposed yesterday. They were angry I might get married before they did. They have known each other since primary school; I met my fiancée earlier this year. FML

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By mirrorfad - 29/1/2010 05:49 - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By humdrummitydrum - 19/8/2014 20:46 - United States

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

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By MailMaster - 22/7/2011 04:20 - Australia

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

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By Tokany - 28/4/2011 19:29 - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

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By Tooth Fairy - 25/5/2018 16:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

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By hwscrewed - 10/11/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

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By beetregeneration - 16/11/2016 23:47 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By SkottLong - 10/3/2015 06:19 - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By Becca - 29/8/2019 04:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By Disgusted - 4/2/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 07:57 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

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By caryl101698 - 9/6/2016 01:40 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By marriedtoatool - 26/12/2012 06:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

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By Raven - 31/12/2016 17:24 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By - 21/12/2019 18:00

Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 08:00 - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

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By kiwi023 - 14/2/2012 06:50 - Canada

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

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By Disturbed son - 16/9/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sent a picture that was meant for her husband. I cannot unsee what I have seen. FML

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By ihatemakingnames - 5/3/2013 00:41 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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By pwib - 18/3/2012 07:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

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By ew. - 17/8/2010 04:28 - Canada

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

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By RuinedTheMood - 21/9/2014 05:11 - United States - Tomball

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By nk - 3/11/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

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By for shite's sake - 17/1/2015 22:24 - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

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By Bobby - 10/8/2012 11:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

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By lonelyashell - 2/3/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By LAME - 23/2/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriends house, whom I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her cell, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By golfstar11 - 11/12/2012 02:05 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By WhitneyHouston - 6/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

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By subtweetqueen - 9/9/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

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By hrtbrkn - 16/7/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By lifesucks0925 - 6/9/2013 07:01 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML

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By TukTuk - 27/10/2014 21:18 - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By FreakedOut - 31/7/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, my dad told me he was planning to have his steady girlfriend over for dinner. He's only had a few relationships since he and my mom split up when I was very young, so I was excited to meet the woman. He then told me that I knew her already. My dad is dating my aunt on my mothers side. FML

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Top comments

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

COMMENTS

By d347hm4n | 0

#59857 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Kennzz | 0

#3371281 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:10

Seeing as that it was her boyfriend I wouldn't say that the "easy" card applies here. Grow up!

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555624 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:56

That has nothing to do with it, you immature asshole. Leave her alone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

Reply

SinfulRose | 0

#332619 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 8:01

lmao xD wow

Reply

samabomination | 19

#5527282 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:25

A Falcon Punch to the nuts would be appropriate in this situation.

Reply

reqret17 | 13

#6268442 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 0:09

yeah uhh sex-driven idiot i hope u broke his dick

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By jiaoh | 0

#59871 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:55

hahaha #2, falcon punch ftw

By zbots | 0

#59874 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:56

I guess he just wanted one for the road

By amirn86 | 0

#59877 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:57

Wait so he had sex with you while his friends waited downstairs? LOL WTF

Reply

Steel_BZ | 8

#4012494 - Thursday 9 February 2012 9:23

That's common

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555625 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:57

Doesn't make it right.

Reply

Puffpie | 24

#6199179 - Wednesday 11 February 2015 7:34

Well they were in the driveway

By ohhboyy | 0

#59884 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:58

lol #7 i was thinking the same thing this guys a jerk & a half!!

By maedoc | 0

#59896 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:02

sounds like this guy's pretty much a bamf

Reply

Bobdoleomega | 0

#2727475 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:28

sounds like you're pretty much a douche

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2839343 - Thursday 7 July 2011 17:58

ok, will somebody please tell what a "BAMF" is?

Reply

stupidgingers | 6

#3387705 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 21:04

Bad Ass Mother Fucker

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555627 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:58

Grow up. :l

By Owned_fml | 0

#59897 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555621 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:54

Pig

Reply

Jnerdy97 | 13

#6540743 - Friday 19 February 2016 19:54

Any guy that's proud of his heterosexuality is automatically a pig.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#59910 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:08

you should be happy that he's gone now. good riddance.
what an ass.