Intimacy: Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy... - FML

By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

The I in LGBTQA+

By Anonymous - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

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By done - United States - Mercer Island

Today, I started to fill out a job application online, with age being one of the first things I put in. After half an hour and 40 questions, I hit submit. I was then told that I wasn't old enough to apply. FML

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By Baustigt - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

AKA taking a screenshot

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

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By loueb17 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By Palf - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML

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By it_IS_just_me - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 07:04 - United Kingdom

Genius, definitely

Today, my boyfriend claims he found a way of spending time with my son without actually spending time with him. They play hide and seek, and for a long time as he shouts, “I’m gonna find you” every few minutes. The game can last over an hour while he watches TV without interruptions. Genius or asshole? FML

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By jdsksoapy - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

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By phone-less - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

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By wtf - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By Giggity - United States

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By spiderchick23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

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By soawkward - Canada

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

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By monkeyzz - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 02:02 - United States - Wynnewood

Stuck together

Today, my mother is acting pissy because I poured my drink out on our front lawn. Apparently, this was, "ridiculous and embarrassing." Meanwhile, COVID is surging and it looks like I'll be quarantining with her. Kill me. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

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By Drew - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By Curt - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By StromyG2 - United States

Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Felinefine - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

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By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - London

Paranoia

Today, I asked a girl to move from Tinder to WhatsApp, after 3 weeks of nice chat. She said no way, and that I just wanted nudes and then unmatched. The only intention I had was getting to know her and asking her on a date. FML

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By RandomMe - Cambodia - Sihanouk

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

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By Metime - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

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Top comments

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

COMMENTS

By d347hm4n | 0

#59857 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Kennzz | 0

#3371281 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:10

Seeing as that it was her boyfriend I wouldn't say that the "easy" card applies here. Grow up!

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555624 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:56

That has nothing to do with it, you immature asshole. Leave her alone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

Reply

SinfulRose | 0

#332619 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 8:01

lmao xD wow

Reply

samabomination | 19

#5527282 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:25

A Falcon Punch to the nuts would be appropriate in this situation.

Reply

reqret17 | 13

#6268442 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 0:09

yeah uhh sex-driven idiot i hope u broke his dick

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By jiaoh | 0

#59871 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:55

hahaha #2, falcon punch ftw

By zbots | 0

#59874 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:56

I guess he just wanted one for the road

By amirn86 | 0

#59877 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:57

Wait so he had sex with you while his friends waited downstairs? LOL WTF

Reply

Steel_BZ | 8

#4012494 - Thursday 9 February 2012 9:23

That's common

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555625 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:57

Doesn't make it right.

Reply

Puffpie | 24

#6199179 - Wednesday 11 February 2015 7:34

Well they were in the driveway

By ohhboyy | 0

#59884 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:58

lol #7 i was thinking the same thing this guys a jerk & a half!!

By maedoc | 0

#59896 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:02

sounds like this guy's pretty much a bamf

Reply

Bobdoleomega | 0

#2727475 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:28

sounds like you're pretty much a douche

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2839343 - Thursday 7 July 2011 17:58

ok, will somebody please tell what a "BAMF" is?

Reply

stupidgingers | 6

#3387705 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 21:04

Bad Ass Mother Fucker

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555627 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:58

Grow up. :l

By Owned_fml | 0

#59897 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555621 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:54

Pig

Reply

Jnerdy97 | 13

#6540743 - Friday 19 February 2016 19:54

Any guy that's proud of his heterosexuality is automatically a pig.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#59910 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:08

you should be happy that he's gone now. good riddance.
what an ass.