Intimacy: Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy... - FML

By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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Not gonna happen

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Craft beer bores

By ew - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

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By AnonymousOne

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my roommate to chip in for electricity costs. She called me a bitch, proceeded to tell me she can't afford it despite working full time and I part time, and blocked me on all communications. Uhm, what ? FML

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By NairyAGoodIdea - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

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By love you too mommy - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By radiating

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

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By housewiththinwalls - Sweden

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

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By OUCH - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By nomorepetbird - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I found out that ever since I got my blonde highlights, I've been mocked behind my back at work, and nicknamed "The Skunk". FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 14:02

I'm not lovin' it

Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, I saw a bunch of cute guys checking me out. Not paying attention, I then ran into a parked police car. Besides getting laughed at, I got a ticket for damaging police property. FML

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By FaronKee - 18/12/2020 00:56 - United Kingdom

Put your back into it

Today, for the first time in 2 years I was able to clean my kitchen, because my back pain has stopped me looking after myself. When I stopped cleaning, my pain was so bad, all I could do was lay flat in bed. Not even my pain meds could help. My kitchen is still not completely clean. FML

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By Airhead - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By no salt, no burning, just STFU - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

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By blacktyaffair - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

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By nancie

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

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By Bridget - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By cakehater - United States

Kids these days…

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

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By storksleuth - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 11:01

One law for me, one law for thee

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

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By lulu - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

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By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By Pants-Girl - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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By Maruska28

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, whom I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

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By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

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By StudentAbroad - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By MAC. - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

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By broke_broken - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML

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By boob sisters - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By funnygirl018 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

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By Marika - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

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Top comments

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

COMMENTS

By d347hm4n | 0

#59857 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Kennzz | 0

#3371281 - Saturday 1 October 2011 1:10

Seeing as that it was her boyfriend I wouldn't say that the "easy" card applies here. Grow up!

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555624 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:56

That has nothing to do with it, you immature asshole. Leave her alone.

By Bubs_fml | 0

#59858 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

Sounds like he deserves a Falcon Punch.

Reply

SinfulRose | 0

#332619 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 8:01

lmao xD wow

Reply

samabomination | 19

#5527282 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:25

A Falcon Punch to the nuts would be appropriate in this situation.

Reply

reqret17 | 13

#6268442 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 0:09

yeah uhh sex-driven idiot i hope u broke his dick

By Tucatz | 0

#59863 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:53

And in the meantime his friends hung out in the driveway, right?

Pure class that is. Be glad the jackass is gone.

By jiaoh | 0

#59871 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:55

hahaha #2, falcon punch ftw

By zbots | 0

#59874 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:56

I guess he just wanted one for the road

By amirn86 | 0

#59877 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:57

Wait so he had sex with you while his friends waited downstairs? LOL WTF

Reply

Steel_BZ | 8

#4012494 - Thursday 9 February 2012 9:23

That's common

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555625 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:57

Doesn't make it right.

Reply

Puffpie | 24

#6199179 - Wednesday 11 February 2015 7:34

Well they were in the driveway

By ohhboyy | 0

#59884 - Thursday 26 March 2009 16:58

lol #7 i was thinking the same thing this guys a jerk & a half!!

By maedoc | 0

#59896 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:02

sounds like this guy's pretty much a bamf

Reply

Bobdoleomega | 0

#2727475 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:28

sounds like you're pretty much a douche

Reply

magentaballoon15 | 8

#2839343 - Thursday 7 July 2011 17:58

ok, will somebody please tell what a "BAMF" is?

Reply

stupidgingers | 6

#3387705 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 21:04

Bad Ass Mother Fucker

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555627 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:58

Grow up. :l

By Owned_fml | 0

#59897 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Littlebit0595 | 4

#5555621 - Thursday 27 June 2013 23:54

Pig

Reply

Jnerdy97 | 13

#6540743 - Friday 19 February 2016 19:54

Any guy that's proud of his heterosexuality is automatically a pig.

By shehzeenahmed | 0

#59910 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:08

you should be happy that he's gone now. good riddance.
what an ass.