Love: Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up,...

By girlie5445 - 13/02/2010 08:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 789

You deserved it 3 722

Love

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

Earthquake

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 299

By squishy - 11/02/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 438

You deserved it 25 562

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 13:30 - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 264

You deserved it 7 855

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 01:20 - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 425

You deserved it 3 214

By wtf3456 - 31/08/2011 09:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 809

You deserved it 3 859

By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2015 11:50 - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 678

You deserved it 2 312

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 23:01

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 2 801

By backseatbusted - 21/05/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 704

You deserved it 12 960

By Tom - 07/11/2008 12:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 837

You deserved it 13 340

By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 853

You deserved it 282

By minime94 - 15/11/2012 06:35 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 805

You deserved it 2 491

By mass message - 16/10/2011 00:47 - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 072

You deserved it 69 803

By Addicted2FML303 - 06/12/2010 22:50 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 693

You deserved it 5 233

By milksquad - 17/07/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 160

You deserved it 320

Equality

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 22:05 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 177

I heard that

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 09:20 - Ireland

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that, "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 196

You deserved it 4 482

By anonymous - 22/01/2016 01:55 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 897

You deserved it 1 592

By mandm - 24/09/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 4 926

By Anonymous - 14/06/2015 08:10 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I laid in bed until 3am kept up by a house party. In my own house. Which my housemates didn't invite me to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 630

You deserved it 3 629

By ish - 14/08/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 810

You deserved it 9 251

By Anonymous - 17/01/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 488

You deserved it 7 206

By pyrosythan - 20/07/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 266

You deserved it 3 135

By Nebraskawreck - 22/11/2018 13:30

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 559

You deserved it 367

No free lunch

By ParkingGuy - 15/08/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant, I decided to be nice and give a woman free parking. I said, "Give me a high five and I'll give you free parking, since I already did the paperwork." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paperwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 493

You deserved it 8 512

Rock and a hard place

By Mo. - 03/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 174

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 28/02/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 249

You deserved it 2 806

By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 808

You deserved it 8 788

By 11lyss1 - 23/05/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 828

You deserved it 3 540

By depresso - 13/03/2009 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 961

You deserved it 5 074

By OUCH. - 17/11/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 499

You deserved it 3 400

Malding

By ptwm - 25/01/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, while vainly running a comb through my balding hair, I noticed a hair sticking out of my nose. I yanked it out, and the pain made me tear up a little. It was an inch long. I'm 24 and beginning to have more hair in my nose than on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 550

You deserved it 2 921

By Anonymous - 30/12/2018 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 377

By Anonymous - 12/06/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 800

You deserved it 2 748

By crystalwho - 20/01/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 403

You deserved it 24 368

By Salvation711 - 15/04/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 876

You deserved it 33 709

Not working out too well, huh?

By Coldandcalculated - 13/10/2021 02:00

Today, I learned that my fiancée copied my house key early into our relationship. The reason being is that in case I were to catch her cheating, which I did, she could come in and trash my place when I called off the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 121

By Jocelyn - 25/11/2012 07:12 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking home, when I realized I didn't have my phone on me. After retracing my steps, I realized that I'd been listening to music from my phone the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 619

You deserved it 30 652

By Mandy93 - 20/12/2012 13:57 - Germany - Reipoltskirchen

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 124

You deserved it 7 676

Horno

By horno - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the WiFi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 429

You deserved it 2 595

By ouch - 03/03/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a guy who I've been on five dates with called me for the first time in 2 weeks. The first thing I said was, "Don't expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me." Then he told me his mom died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 811

You deserved it 70 016

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Top comments

marie93uso 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:17

why is that bad?? it's a good song! I guess not good for a first date though

perdix 29

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:22

And after the third or fourth time, his cuteness layer peeled off and the creepy, deranged stalker was revealed. I'm sure you'll be "happy together" when chunks of you end up in his freezer.

zookieyng 3

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:17

first

cdogbeastman 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:20

nobody cares ur first

PurpleSquirrel 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:21

you do

cartermc17 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:36

just trying to impress you

Ajjas013 6

Saturday 13 February 2010 18:25

I'm impressed.

cowgod 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:25

she should have left an impression of her fist on his face

sam411411 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:30

hahahhaha

crimewc 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 21:54

so what u must liked it

pwincessa23 1

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Saturday 13 February 2010 23:27

I think she wanted "I want to fuck you" or "smack that" or even "sexual healing" idk

Guuurlplease 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 5:35

I like that song. This isn't even an Fml

g02hell 2

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Sunday 14 February 2010 6:12

82 i just want you to know I thing your great.

PurpleSquirrel 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:17

awesome

comatoast 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 18:35

I bet he would be singing it while he dismembered you in the woods too.

Bookhaki 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:21

Sounds like a creeper... I mean keeper!

Hiropon 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:44

Yes yes. He's a total keeper. Marry him and have his babies, then grow old and happily die listening to that same song. IT'LL BE A DREAM COME F'CUKING TRUE. :D JK. If he's trying to provoke you, dump his sorry ass. (^_-)

Othello22 4

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Sunday 14 February 2010 1:25

This brings up an important question…is he a good singer? lmao. he must sing it alot if he knows all the words....my guess is more than one girl found this anoying...

6991 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 7:34

that's quite possibly one of the most awkward situations i've ever heard of.

Boygenius50 8

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Monday 15 February 2010 3:51

Hey 72 how did you like my Flyers opening up a can of whoopass on the Canadiens Thursday and Friday? Yeeeeaaaah son Jeff Carter is a BEAST

marie93uso 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:17

why is that bad?? it's a good song! I guess not good for a first date though

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:42

Or for 20 minutes! I would expect to have conversations on the first date. This would be a cute moment the first play. After that you're boring, annoying, and obviously more interested in entertaining yourself than in interacting with me.

MF12 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:50

hm. how did I know you were the same idiot that commented on the fml about the garbage?

Ajjas013 6

Saturday 13 February 2010 18:29

I thought people with cool cars were nice, self respecting people. They're just showoffs.

rejectreality101 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:43

is this guy annoying the hell out of anyone else? No? Just me? Oh. Never mind.

idkweird 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:17

So, you ask if you can listen to something else. Sorry, idc how cute someone is, Im not going to listen to a song over and over for 20 minutes.

omfgItzme 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:02

lol agreed if that were me I would have ended up jumpin out of the car... but that's jus me..

darthdamian2 4

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:18

its by the Beatles

sighilikepir 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:21

no it isnt

Ajjas013 6

Saturday 13 February 2010 18:27

It's by The Click Five.

Ajjas013 6

Saturday 13 February 2010 18:31

Edit: I read it wrong I thought it said Happy Birthday, not Happy Together.

fmlrage 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:16

thank you!!! I was just about to say that. what a moronic bitch, complains about a most excellent song and calls the artist by the wrong damn name.

oh_dee 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:21

BEST SONG EVER and it's not by the Beatles!!

Tripout 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:06

there is a song the beetles did with that title

Tripout 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:08

BEATLES* stupid thing

pegasus77 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:24

"Come Together"?

xdyingxwishx 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 5:27

its the turtles

camraja901 5

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:21

who cares stop complaining get over it...

perdix 29

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:22

And after the third or fourth time, his cuteness layer peeled off and the creepy, deranged stalker was revealed. I'm sure you'll be "happy together" when chunks of you end up in his freezer.

idkweird 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:22

yup!

lickmyjock 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 16:56

best damn leftovers I've had in a long time. I got tired of those Swanson tv dinners.

Averizzle 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:11

That's just derranged..

Jrook 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:18

yeah lickmyjock probably is

lickmyjock 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:19

why?

eeeeeeee 5

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Saturday 13 February 2010 17:52

Okay, what the fuck? That was a really stupid comment. Joke or no joke, you're an idiot for saying that.

BritishHobo 0

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Saturday 13 February 2010 19:33

I doubt it wasn't a joke, to be honest.

perdix 29

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Saturday 13 February 2010 20:27

The cannibalism jokes are just jokes. Mine definitely are and I'm sure that lickmyjock's are, too. I liked his joke that followed my comment.

tisiphone_fml 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 0:11

Agreed. Once is cute, twice is tactless and annoying, third time is just creepy. I'm with OP, and I would have been bailing from the car at the first red light.