By failed - 23/2/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

The end of the road

Go anyway, see the sights

By Username - 23/11/2010 06:50

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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30342

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 07:18 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

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34947

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By abutorac951 - 16/3/2020 16:48

Panic! At the Costco

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1595

You deserved it

144

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 13:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

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52546

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6081

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 14:01

Good boy, best boy

Today, I realised that I have a better relationship with my cat than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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1118

You deserved it

333

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By ooops - 4/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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25542

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By uncoretard - 11/3/2011 14:33

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

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29968

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By Dirtbikesnowboard - 9/11/2016 19:00 - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

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9499

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634

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By Sailorjoe - 25/8/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Rach - 8/8/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2965

You deserved it

728

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By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

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32534

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:12 - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

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27341

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5329

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

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1780

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By Fml24609 - 20/8/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38639

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By EmoToyBoy - 30/4/2020 14:00

Spiritual connection

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1950

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375

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By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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39378

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9352

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By Anoymous - 9/6/2013 06:02 - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

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54519

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By crazydaughter - 12/4/2012 12:51 - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

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28709

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By Atomic_Tangerine - 29/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said "no offense." FML

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49525

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3651

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By H1dd3n - 1/6/2013 23:31 - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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52917

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By Redfaced - 15/5/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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58604

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my little brother. He was looking at me and says "so cool." I asked him what was so cool and he says "it's not that cool but, your eyebrow connects to your other eyebrow". FML

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36087

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By lingling - 16/12/2012 00:57 - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

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27999

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5940

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By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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50644

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 02:12 - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

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37498

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By Pissy pants - 24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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3079

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176

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2013 22:29 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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37960

You deserved it

5688

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By Mirroronthewall - 30/8/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth in my bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I spotted a zit on my forehead. Keeping my toothbrush in my mouth, I quickly lean in towards the mirror to pop the pimple meanwhile lodging my toothbrush down my throat. I temporarily can't talk. FML

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16726

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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48014

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By Iamlonesometonight - 26/3/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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4190

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2012 16:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

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45610

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2020 01:00 - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1760

You deserved it

194

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By Timmy - 26/1/2009 13:28 - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8468

You deserved it

59219

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By LadyGore - 19/2/2012 15:30 - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28280

You deserved it

6514

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By axwound - 27/12/2010 13:04 - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

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15466

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

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6355

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341

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By "Kaluhaluha" - 14/12/2018 17:30

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2330

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147

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By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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1307

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388

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Top comments

By loveyouall81 | 2

#2115287 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:04

noob

By mintcar | 9

#2115297 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.

COMMENTS

By loveyouall81 | 2

#2115287 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:04

noob

Horde | 8

#2115335 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:22

He probably learned that from porn movies.

BayBeezy | 0

#2115383 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:03

someone should make a pussy-eating informational....

neftajr | 0

#2115384 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:03

munch munch

seanders | 10

#2115421 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:32

Tell her to explain the sour cream then....

nocanhaz | 4

#2115453 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:49

54 Win

techweed | 12

#2115494 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:08

37 would kinda be disturbing when watching it with parents and/or younger kids

supertacowaffle | 41

#2115603 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

54 EPIC !!;D

omfgTACOsYeSs | 0

#2115692 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 19:01

it is a taco eating competition. :)

wolve86 | 0

#2116003 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:46

just go through the alphabet with your tongue a couple of times. don't be the fricking cookie monster about it.

irondarkdog | 0

#2116198 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 22:08

win

grumpybarista | 0

#2116660 - Thursday 24 February 2011 2:28

The alphabet? So amateur.

EatnBeef | 7

#2116693 - Thursday 24 February 2011 2:41

blue waffle? or red pancake?!?!!! oh wait!... green FRENCHTOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinkledorf | 0

#2116701 - Thursday 24 February 2011 2:46

No... give up.

sweeetas | 5

#2117981 - Thursday 24 February 2011 12:48

135- its more like cheese taco, everyone go google image that now and thank me later. hah

supertacowaffle | 41

#2128385 - Sunday 27 February 2011 12:59

haha 91 :D

AceArctic | 4

#2291206 - Monday 4 April 2011 6:55

Sigh. Shoulda used the Tongue Tornado... -.-

TheKeatonator | 5

#3056958 - Sunday 7 August 2011 11:00

Nom nom nom xD haha what a noob

By cdatribe23 | 0

#2115288 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:05

HAHAHAHA LMAO

RedPillSucks | 31

#2115505 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:12

ohhh Do eating indian tacos count?

gamerhead | 3

#2116009 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:51

66 Possibly........

iTerrorized | 4

#2117053 - Thursday 24 February 2011 5:28

As long as they got no beans in them ..

ctbabyy | 0

#2125705 - Saturday 26 February 2011 17:02

Hahah, win for your girll. i would SO say that..

Socoollikee | 3

#2126741 - Sunday 27 February 2011 2:29

LMFAO!! I know right!

By lazer_keyboard | 0

#2115291 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:06

... What?

breena25 | 0

#2116574 - Thursday 24 February 2011 1:56

NOM NOM NOM NOM!!

metal8214 | 0

#2116726 - Thursday 24 February 2011 3:03

mmm yummy :)

goaliemkl123 | 8

#2118289 - Thursday 24 February 2011 15:45

I guess lazer keyboard doesn't get out much

gabstahhh | 8

#2460862 - Thursday 5 May 2011 1:51

he needs to chill ooouuutt.

By hoodsie | 0

#2115292 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:06

First timer? ;)

By MasterE56 | 4

#2115293 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:07

wow...

By Lufferkinz | 0

#2115295 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:07

I wonder what blue tacos would taste like.....

jmac317 | 0

#2115304 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:11

win^

pablothepenguin | 2

#2115366 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:44

L.M.A.O. why don't you ask his girlfriend she seems to be quite intrested in tacos.

SuperBigJrBang | 4

#2115486 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:59

:o a blueberry waffle! Makes me hungry

Slinkydalatg | 6

#2115723 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 19:06

....twat waffle.

africanelephants | 7

#2117552 - Thursday 24 February 2011 8:34

hahaha oh wow that's gross..... but delicious at the same time.. :/

Aethereality | 10

#2121670 - Friday 25 February 2011 6:52

Om nom nom.

PvtParts417 | 15

#5150844 - Thursday 15 November 2012 1:42

Blue waffle is for pussys. Look up red pancake.

By mintcar | 9

#2115297 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.

yazmi_09 | 3

#2115954 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:27

right! I cringed a bit when I read this

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2116409 - Thursday 24 February 2011 0:18

are you a nun o_O

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2121725 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:20

unless she wanted it rough...
which it sounds like wasn't the case, and niether for you....
don't give advice when everyone has their own style

By Bananaque | 0

#2115299 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

wow!! well, you can't blame the girl... she knows what she wants!

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2121730 - Friday 25 February 2011 7:21

good for her!!! ;)

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#2115300 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:10

Ah yes, I remember my first time as well.

Deitsu | 1

#2116818 - Thursday 24 February 2011 3:46

Your pic makes me ROTFL xD

kotabones | 0

#4029911 - Monday 13 February 2012 17:24

I prefer captain obvious as my personal hero lil

By denlillakotten | 4

#2115303 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:10

Yo girlfriend taste like taco? :)

mandoalba | 5

#2115521 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:18

lol that's a good one

gabstahhh | 8

#2460877 - Thursday 5 May 2011 1:53

eww haha I hope not..

piehunter1 | 0

#3020883 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 9:13

I love tacos I would hope she tastes like tacos :D