Intimacy: Take a chill pill

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 032

You deserved it 46 141

Intimacy

Leave us alone

BO Central

Walk the line

By Anonymous - 16/08/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 178

You deserved it 5 217

By brinn - 16/09/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 867

You deserved it 9 742

Spread the news

By kryssa - 09/10/2020 23:01

Today, my boyfriend of six years is in the hospital after having a stroke. While being transferred to another hospital, I came to our home to get his phone to call his family, but instead was treated to text messages and voicemails from his other girlfriends. At least 4 of them so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 104

Social parasites

By Poor doggo - 15/07/2021 08:01

Today, I was walking my friend’s dog at the park as a favor. A stranger then struck up a little conversation with me about the dog. It turned out that the stranger I talked to was my friend’s landlord, who now knows that my friend was lying about her pet being a service animal and is threatening eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 251

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 518

You deserved it 101 196

By toto13660 - 29/06/2016 20:10

Today, at the beach, a seagull conveyed its opinion of my cigarette by taking a dump on it, putting it out. Seems they have anti-tobacco sniper seagulls now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 327

You deserved it 13 023

By theuglyfriend - 17/07/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 649

You deserved it 3 691

By Oops - 13/09/2016 18:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 925

You deserved it 845

Nice neighborhood

By dinkley7 - 25/04/2021 02:00

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 53

By DwarfFrog - 18/06/2012 11:38 - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 318

You deserved it 3 376

By Aciliveth - 10/06/2010 16:07 - Canada

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 009

You deserved it 4 431

By a_B_c_D_e_F_g - 27/06/2009 14:29 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 016

You deserved it 7 576

By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 580

You deserved it 2 688

Why do people do this?

By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 206

You deserved it 125

Practical

By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 09:01 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, my 27-year-old boyfriend told me he hides our condoms in his Poké Ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 453

By Devildrake - 15/04/2015 22:32 - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 756

You deserved it 2 272

By CalyenaL - 13/05/2012 01:35 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 692

You deserved it 3 122

By anti-drugs - 21/03/2011 10:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 205

You deserved it 4 250

By frustrated - 17/05/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 273

You deserved it 4 788

Can't compete

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 17:01

Today, my husband told me, "Your job is easy! You do nothing but play and have fun with children all day." Mind you, I'm a toddler teacher and have 10 children in a day. When I come home from work, he complains he’s tired because he was watching our only child who's a toddler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 87

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 470

You deserved it 8 660

By The_Black_Jesus - 31/03/2013 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 271

You deserved it 5 222

By Anonymous - 28/08/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 900

You deserved it 328

By momoffour - 05/12/2010 09:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 658

You deserved it 3 280

Bad encounter

By Anonymous - 29/02/2020 05:00

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a called street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature and we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay and he made my kids cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 754

You deserved it 315

By ugh - 01/10/2009 15:49 - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 557

You deserved it 10 339

By CPN - 14/03/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 252

You deserved it 9 091

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 16:41 - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 246

You deserved it 1 989

By Anonymous - 01/08/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 042

You deserved it 58 784

By sippinsoup22 - 16/02/2016 01:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 689

You deserved it 2 443

Kill me now

By bademployee - 12/08/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 834

You deserved it 21 588

By bbbkingsey - 23/07/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 771

You deserved it 4 351

By Luke - 10/09/2015 05:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 158

You deserved it 2 595

By Anonymous - 25/09/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 066

You deserved it 2 801

By Noname - 08/02/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 849

You deserved it 2 149

Yeet it

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 23:00 - Canada

Today, I finally had my doctor's appointment to get my tubes tied. I've been waiting for 2 years. Instead, I found out that my birth control failed and I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 118

Playing the odds

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my husband sent 3000 friend requests to random women on Facebook. He says it's no big deal and doesn't mean anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 65

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

By NeverGonnaHappen - 19/05/2019 12:30

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 355

You deserved it 391

By blueberry_hill - 11/12/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 741

You deserved it 6 112

By Anonymous - 09/08/2017 20:00

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 023

You deserved it 341

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Top comments

loveyouall81 2

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:04

noob

mintcar 9

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.

loveyouall81 2

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:04

noob

Horde 8

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:22

He probably learned that from porn movies.

BayBeezy 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:03

someone should make a pussy-eating informational....

neftajr 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:03

munch munch

seanders 10

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:32

Tell her to explain the sour cream then....

nocanhaz 4

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:49

54 Win

techweed 12

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:08

37 would kinda be disturbing when watching it with parents and/or younger kids

supertacowaffle 41

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

54 EPIC !!;D

omfgTACOsYeSs 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 19:01

it is a taco eating competition. :)

wolve86 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:46

just go through the alphabet with your tongue a couple of times. don't be the fricking cookie monster about it.

irondarkdog 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 22:08

win

grumpybarista 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 2:28

The alphabet? So amateur.

EatnBeef 7

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Thursday 24 February 2011 2:41

blue waffle? or red pancake?!?!!! oh wait!... green FRENCHTOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinkledorf 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 2:46

No... give up.

sweeetas 5

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Thursday 24 February 2011 12:48

135- its more like cheese taco, everyone go google image that now and thank me later. hah

supertacowaffle 41

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Sunday 27 February 2011 12:59

haha 91 :D

AceArctic 4

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Monday 4 April 2011 6:55

Sigh. Shoulda used the Tongue Tornado... -.-

TheKeatonator 5

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Sunday 7 August 2011 11:00

Nom nom nom xD haha what a noob

cdatribe23 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:05

HAHAHAHA LMAO

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:12

ohhh Do eating indian tacos count?

gamerhead 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:51

66 Possibly........

iTerrorized 4

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Thursday 24 February 2011 5:28

As long as they got no beans in them ..

ctbabyy 0

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Saturday 26 February 2011 17:02

Hahah, win for your girll. i would SO say that..

Socoollikee 3

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Sunday 27 February 2011 2:29

LMFAO!! I know right!

lazer_keyboard 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:06

... What?

breena25 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 1:56

NOM NOM NOM NOM!!

metal8214 0

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Thursday 24 February 2011 3:03

mmm yummy :)

goaliemkl123 8

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Thursday 24 February 2011 15:45

I guess lazer keyboard doesn't get out much

gabstahhh 8

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Thursday 5 May 2011 1:51

he needs to chill ooouuutt.

hoodsie 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:06

First timer? ;)

MasterE56 4

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:07

wow...

Lufferkinz 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:07

I wonder what blue tacos would taste like.....

jmac317 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:11

win^

pablothepenguin 2

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:44

L.M.A.O. why don't you ask his girlfriend she seems to be quite intrested in tacos.

SuperBigJrBang 5

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 17:59

:o a blueberry waffle! Makes me hungry

Slinkydalatg 6

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 19:06

....twat waffle.

africanelephants 7

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Thursday 24 February 2011 8:34

hahaha oh wow that's gross..... but delicious at the same time.. :/

Aethereality 10

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Friday 25 February 2011 6:52

Om nom nom.

PvtParts417 15

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Thursday 15 November 2012 1:42

Blue waffle is for pussys. Look up red pancake.

mintcar 9

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.

yazmi_09 3

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 20:27

right! I cringed a bit when I read this

IStoleTheCookies 16

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Thursday 24 February 2011 0:18

are you a nun o_O

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Friday 25 February 2011 7:20

unless she wanted it rough... which it sounds like wasn't the case, and niether for you.... don't give advice when everyone has their own style

Bananaque 0

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:08

wow!! well, you can't blame the girl... she knows what she wants!

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Friday 25 February 2011 7:21

good for her!!! ;)

Capt_Oblivious 10

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:10

Ah yes, I remember my first time as well.

Deitsu 1

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Thursday 24 February 2011 3:46

Your pic makes me ROTFL xD

kotabones 0

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Monday 13 February 2012 17:24

I prefer captain obvious as my personal hero lil

denlillakotten 4

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 16:10

Yo girlfriend taste like taco? :)

mandoalba 5

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:18

lol that's a good one

gabstahhh 8

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Thursday 5 May 2011 1:53

eww haha I hope not..

piehunter1 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 9:13

I love tacos I would hope she tastes like tacos :D

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 146

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