Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me....

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 18/9/2018 13:30

Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me. I thought it was really sweet until later that night he told me he had Tourette's. FML

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By grimatwork - 1/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

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By smartgirl - 1/5/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2009 09:18 - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 18:58 - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

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By lauren - 8/7/2010 04:51 - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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By babs - 7/5/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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By NoMoney4Me - 24/9/2012 10:48 - United States - York

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

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By PaintedBum - 11/3/2019 18:00

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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By harvdog - 2/10/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, I went to Seattle with my mom to visit my pregnant sister, only to end up being dragged to a store to buy maternity clothes. The saleswoman apologized to me repeatedly for not having a lounge for the fathers, but congratulated me on the baby. I'm a girl. FML

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By not-that-fat - 27/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By fmlfmboyfriendah - 13/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

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By Oraashi - 26/6/2012 17:18 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 02:13 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 04:00

Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By Username - 30/12/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

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By firstdategonebad - 12/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By Hannah - 22/3/2012 17:21 - Ireland - Wexford

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By mcfatty - 14/8/2016 04:21 - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By tinfoilnirvana - 30/4/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

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By ddriver100 - 5/6/2019 18:00

Today, I picked up some of my friends from a bar downtown. They were pretty drunk and were yelling stupid things at people walking by. After stopping to let a fat guy cross the street, they yelled, "Hurry up fatty!" He responded by throwing his milkshake at my car. FML

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By mom - 26/4/2018 15:00

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

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By oops - 27/9/2015 02:24 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

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By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By KelseNM - 1/11/2019 00:01

Scary story time!

Today, I had eye surgery to try and stop the progression of my eye disease. Being conscious for the surgery, I was given numbing drops before we began. My doctor started cutting my cornea before the drops took effect. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2015 16:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - 16/2/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By heartsick - 4/4/2012 05:43 - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

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By teejayrn - 17/12/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By hcflorence1 - 4/6/2011 17:37 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend went on a date with her mechanic. She said it was to get discounts when she goes in for maintenance. Not only does she not see a problem with it, but she's probably getting discounts on other services too. FML

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By stormblade27 - 28/1/2019 02:00

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

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By skichick54 - 24/8/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

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By shandrith - 3/7/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

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By weirdthingtosay - 21/11/2014 09:56 - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 19:02 - Canada - Markham

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 00:10 - United States - Pittsfield

Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML

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By BustedEgo - 23/3/2014 05:31 - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7691136 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 2:38

So does that mean you don't like him anymore?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7695271 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 14:49

You didn’t notice while he was winking he shouted out “you cocksucking bitch!”

Comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7691136 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 2:38

So does that mean you don't like him anymore?

Brianna Michelle Ferrell | 10

#7693767 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:36

We dated for 3 years :) recently broke up :(

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7694137 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:52

Sorry to hear that.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7695271 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 14:49

You didn’t notice while he was winking he shouted out “you cocksucking bitch!”

Glowworm56 | 25

#7695454 - Tuesday 18 September 2018 20:58

Not all people with Tourette's curse. Most just have uncontrollable tics and may shout loudly.

By Nik | 12

#7696057 - Wednesday 19 September 2018 21:41

tourettes doesnt mean he didn't wink...

Brianna Michelle Ferrell | 10

#7830739 - Monday 12 August 2019 11:34

Obviously I couldn’t share the whole story. But it was confirmed as Tourette and no winking