Love and Health: Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me....

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell

Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me. I thought it was really sweet until later that night he told me he had Tourette's. FML

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By Habit - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By whatarethisss - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By princess4242 - India

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By Lesbian

Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML

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By mothapuka - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML

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By eleonor - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By Jeri - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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By I don't want to be here anymore - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

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By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By theleague - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

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By ahddib - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

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By random - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

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By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

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By bloodshedblack - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

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By CheatedOn - Romania

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By handymandy - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Call Mario

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By shit's weak - United States

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

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By bham boy

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

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By HairyBoobs - United States

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

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By Randolph - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, a clown came over for my son's 8th birthday party. There was a moment of silence then laughter as everyone realized the clown and I were wearing the same plaid shirt. FML

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By bonbon789 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By TheMommas - United States - Dallas

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By cheated

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7691136 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 2:38

So does that mean you don't like him anymore?

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell | 10

#7693767 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:36

We dated for 3 years :) recently broke up :(

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7691136 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 2:38

So does that mean you don't like him anymore?

Brianna Michelle Ferrell | 10

#7693767 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:36

We dated for 3 years :) recently broke up :(

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7694137 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:52

Sorry to hear that.

By Nik | 12

#7696057 - Wednesday 19 September 2018 21:41

tourettes doesnt mean he didn't wink...

Brianna Michelle Ferrell | 10

#7830739 - Monday 12 August 2019 11:34

Obviously I couldn’t share the whole story. But it was confirmed as Tourette and no winking

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7929621 - Sunday 9 August 2020 19:56

You thought it was sweet that he kept winking repeatedly? Personally I would have found that creepy until I learned about the tourettes.