Intimacy: Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy...

By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Emergency haircut

Dicks aplenty!

By stubblebutt - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By Jebus - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

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By Inod - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By thatsillegal - United States

Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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By Coldandshoeless - United States - Hackettstown

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By Drom - Australia - Sydney

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By wellthanks - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By Stevie - United States - Southfield

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

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By David H.

Check 'em

Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By tryandtryagain - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting on tables at work, I was carrying a glass of red wine when I lost balance and spilt it everywhere. After cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass, I did exactly the same thing again. FML

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By Screwed - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By bill - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

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By Whyis Dremora - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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By BadKitty42 - United States

Work sucks, I know

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2020 02:01

The age-old story

Today, the girl I’ve been crushing over for so long told me that I’m a great guy and a catch, but then went on to tell me all about the other guy she’s been sleeping with. FML.

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By xxbobsan - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML

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By david - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

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By Isitreallythatbad, - United States

Today, I went to a local bar for a speed dating event. The first person I hooked up with took one look at my face, burst into laughter, and walked out of the bar practically doubling over. FML

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By ocdistheworst - United States - Gardena

Today, I was formally diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. My mom saw this as an excuse to make me clean the whole house top to bottom, because "Hey, you love to clean." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 11:01

Hmmm, steak

Today, my husband and I cooked our first dinner of the year, some grilled steak. The moment we turned our backs to put out the fire, the dog snatched half of it. FML

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By gabbykinz13 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By hickhick

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

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By kellthryn - 17/3/2020 23:00

Stop! Thief!

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By Juliett - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

COMMENTS

By missyfayee | 0

#712328 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:07

first!!!!!

00yoda4 | 0

#986186 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 5:31

I think she added bananas

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1024662 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 6:49

you should get a bj from her.

wintamint101 | 7

#1031715 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 3:23

they were probably for you

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1373382 - Thursday 9 September 2010 1:32

57 youre stupid. 1 no one cares that your first. blahh. and ooh you didnt know your mom had sex? how do you think you got here?

poisonflower | 6

#1997998 - Sunday 23 January 2011 2:40

56, the op is a girl.

pokemai | 6

#5528428 - Monday 10 June 2013 12:44

Yeah, and a girl should never have to buy her own condoms ... Seriously .........

CougeeSwagg | 19

#6595526 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 5:38

Um, it's only fair for everyone to be prepared. Why should it be the guy's responsibility every time? It's common courtesy.

By icanspellgud | 0

#712344 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:16

why did she randomly have her shopping list with her?

By me199 | 0

#712346 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:18

awkward and..... THIRD!!!!!!

corbincorbin | 0

#1099984 - Saturday 17 July 2010 2:28

see at least you made a comment on it not like the idiot at the top who only says first

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266427 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:13

what happened yo second? O.o

By me199 | 0

#712350 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:20

SECOND and why did you ask her for condoms?

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

frikkinhannah | 0

#966818 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:59

perdix, you're my favorite.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

TheTerenity | 9

#3679764 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:23

*big

randomshuffle369 | 7

#5409518 - Monday 18 March 2013 2:31

Nein.

By tristanh27 | 0

#712385 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:43

ya that's acward did she at least give you some. fifth

matt5217 | 4

#1034043 - Thursday 17 June 2010 20:50

nice try seventh

By Lebanesegirl4Eva | 0

#712390 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Aww! Thats cute! But it is awkward especially if its your mom!

By AtrumMessor | 1

#712391 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Eww...

By quintus5446 | 0

#712413 - Thursday 10 December 2009 0:16

I'll say it; it's because YOU were the consequence of not using Trojan condoms (the ecstacy is icing on the cock).

p.s. yeah, she hates you.