Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy...

By aawkward... - 9/12/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Noise

Territorial pissings

By Anonymous - 23/5/2017 14:00

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - 16/5/2012 03:05 - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By Amandajean32 - 5/8/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 23:13

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2019 22:15

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

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By lexyloo - 26/9/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML

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By anonymous - 21/6/2010 12:21 - France

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By jasmine - 23/8/2019 04:00

Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML

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By Loki16 - 2/6/2016 08:40 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By BigDT - 28/1/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

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By nothing - 18/5/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

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By Rachael - 1/7/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

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By youwouldbeacat - 28/4/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By anon - 11/10/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 13:29 - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cop laughed at me. FML

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By crissy becks - 5/8/2012 22:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML

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By malicemassacre - 21/3/2020 15:00

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

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By lateralligator - 14/9/2019 02:02

Elvis has left the building

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

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By justfat - 12/3/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By say my name - 1/7/2012 01:35

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2014 17:39 - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 10:07

Tell, don't show

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen - 19/5/2019 12:30

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

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By shellski - 21/1/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

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By that girl - 8/4/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

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By "vinyl_mermaid" - 2/3/2017 14:00

Exterminators are expensive

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

COMMENTS

By missyfayee | 0

#712328 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:07

first!!!!!

00yoda4 | 0

#986186 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 5:31

I think she added bananas

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1024662 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 6:49

you should get a bj from her.

wintamint101 | 7

#1031715 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 3:23

they were probably for you

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1373382 - Thursday 9 September 2010 1:32

57 youre stupid. 1 no one cares that your first. blahh. and ooh you didnt know your mom had sex? how do you think you got here?

poisonflower | 6

#1997998 - Sunday 23 January 2011 2:40

56, the op is a girl.

pokemai | 6

#5528428 - Monday 10 June 2013 12:44

Yeah, and a girl should never have to buy her own condoms ... Seriously .........

CougeeSwagg | 17

#6595526 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 5:38

Um, it's only fair for everyone to be prepared. Why should it be the guy's responsibility every time? It's common courtesy.

By icanspellgud | 0

#712344 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:16

why did she randomly have her shopping list with her?

By me199 | 0

#712346 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:18

awkward and..... THIRD!!!!!!

corbincorbin | 0

#1099984 - Saturday 17 July 2010 2:28

see at least you made a comment on it not like the idiot at the top who only says first

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266427 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:13

what happened yo second? O.o

By me199 | 0

#712350 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:20

SECOND and why did you ask her for condoms?

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

frikkinhannah | 0

#966818 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:59

perdix, you're my favorite.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

TheTerenity | 9

#3679764 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:23

*big

randomshuffle369 | 7

#5409518 - Monday 18 March 2013 2:31

Nein.

By tristanh27 | 0

#712385 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:43

ya that's acward did she at least give you some. fifth

matt5217 | 4

#1034043 - Thursday 17 June 2010 20:50

nice try seventh

By Lebanesegirl4Eva | 0

#712390 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Aww! Thats cute! But it is awkward especially if its your mom!

By AtrumMessor | 1

#712391 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Eww...

By quintus5446 | 0

#712413 - Thursday 10 December 2009 0:16

I'll say it; it's because YOU were the consequence of not using Trojan condoms (the ecstacy is icing on the cock).

p.s. yeah, she hates you.