Intimacy: Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy...

By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Tidy your room

Zoom this, bitches!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

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By dearprudence89 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By baby shak - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

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By me - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

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By name50 - United States

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

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By billiams15 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By SwaggyP

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

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By csully - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

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By R_Horsefeet - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

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By jb123 - United States - Rock Springs

I'm still young

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

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By nakedweddingday - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By fuckel4 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By Blondie - Lebanon

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

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By happybirthday - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

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By slingerslasher - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

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By Evan Chong - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By llord - United States

Today, I found out that my engagement ring was actually my husband's ex-fiancée's. FML

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By Chris Altenbach - United States

Today, I got off from work and noticed that the weather finally warmed up after the recent snowstorm. I hopped into my car and rolled down the windows. When I opened the sun roof, a foot of snow came falling into my car. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By Mels - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By redriver - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By Jocelyn - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was walking home, when I realized I didn't have my phone on me. After retracing my steps, I realized that I'd been listening to music from my phone the entire time. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By nana - United States

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

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By hala - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By fuck family - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

COMMENTS

By missyfayee | 0

#712328 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:07

first!!!!!

00yoda4 | 0

#986186 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 5:31

I think she added bananas

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1024662 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 6:49

you should get a bj from her.

wintamint101 | 7

#1031715 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 3:23

they were probably for you

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1373382 - Thursday 9 September 2010 1:32

57 youre stupid. 1 no one cares that your first. blahh. and ooh you didnt know your mom had sex? how do you think you got here?

poisonflower | 6

#1997998 - Sunday 23 January 2011 2:40

56, the op is a girl.

pokemai | 6

#5528428 - Monday 10 June 2013 12:44

Yeah, and a girl should never have to buy her own condoms ... Seriously .........

CougeeSwagg | 19

#6595526 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 5:38

Um, it's only fair for everyone to be prepared. Why should it be the guy's responsibility every time? It's common courtesy.

By icanspellgud | 0

#712344 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:16

why did she randomly have her shopping list with her?

By me199 | 0

#712346 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:18

awkward and..... THIRD!!!!!!

corbincorbin | 0

#1099984 - Saturday 17 July 2010 2:28

see at least you made a comment on it not like the idiot at the top who only says first

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1266427 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:13

what happened yo second? O.o

By me199 | 0

#712350 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:20

SECOND and why did you ask her for condoms?

By perdix | 29

#712374 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:40

And your dad is out of town and/or had a vasectomy.

frikkinhannah | 0

#966818 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 14:59

perdix, you're my favorite.

By Starfire22 | 5

#712377 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:41

sooo, your mom has sex. old people have sex , bug whoop...

TheTerenity | 9

#3679764 - Sunday 4 December 2011 5:23

*big

randomshuffle369 | 7

#5409518 - Monday 18 March 2013 2:31

Nein.

By tristanh27 | 0

#712385 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:43

ya that's acward did she at least give you some. fifth

matt5217 | 4

#1034043 - Thursday 17 June 2010 20:50

nice try seventh

By Lebanesegirl4Eva | 0

#712390 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Aww! Thats cute! But it is awkward especially if its your mom!

By AtrumMessor | 1

#712391 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 23:50

Eww...

By quintus5446 | 0

#712413 - Thursday 10 December 2009 0:16

I'll say it; it's because YOU were the consequence of not using Trojan condoms (the ecstacy is icing on the cock).

p.s. yeah, she hates you.