Miscellaneous: Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom.... - FML

By bob - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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Triage

Zoom this, bitches!

Facts over feelings

By Peekaboo - United States

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

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By RonnieG - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 02:01

Awkward

Today, I saw my friend's ex and noticed she had gained a ton of weight since he dated her and had been dating someone else. It reminded me of my friend, so I messaged him and made a joke about her being unrecognizable. He informed me that they started seeing each other again last week. FML

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By tootles - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By sucksatlove - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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By squirrels69ing - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By TheL1nds - Australia - Kingswood

Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the fake me got more birthday greetings than the real me. FML

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By reallythough - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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By Alisha - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

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By nick - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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By writer4life - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By WellGroomed - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

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By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By razgriz1 - United States

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By Economess - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - London

Paranoia

Today, I asked a girl to move from Tinder to WhatsApp, after 3 weeks of nice chat. She said no way, and that I just wanted nudes and then unmatched. The only intention I had was getting to know her and asking her on a date. FML

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By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

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By madela - 28/10/2020 07:56

Drugs

Today, my daughter admitted that she sometimes forgets her own name upon waking. She’s 15. FML

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By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

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By Jennyfromdablock - United States

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

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By Robyn - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By not my fault you’re a vapid idiot - United States - Hesperia

Today, my coworker told everyone on staff that I’m a stuck up bitch because I stared blankly at her when she tried to talk to me. I tried to listen, but I zoned out after she rambled on endlessly about the Kardashians and Kanye West. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By realnotimaginary

Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML

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By PeedMaPants - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

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By alone in ND

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By fmmlll - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Anonymous

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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By erin1985 - Australia

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

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Top comments

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

COMMENTS

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

Reply

leannpaige | 0

#2049621 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:49

hahaha I love it!

Reply

calley123 | 0

#2050147 - Sunday 6 February 2011 2:36

hahaha me too!

Reply

datboyborii | 0

#2051603 - Sunday 6 February 2011 13:42

word I would of left the house lol !!

Reply

kaite1587 | 0

#2135162 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 4:18

that's awesome I think I would have pissed my pants then go blind .....lol

Reply

Ginkle45 | 1

#3090559 - Friday 12 August 2011 5:23

You cant unsee that

By xGraycloud | 4

#2049246 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

oh wow...
ur so lucky.

Reply

agm2010 | 0

#2050652 - Sunday 6 February 2011 5:57

lol wtf

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2111277 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:17

Incest = wincest?

Reply

JcLove8 | 0

#3030825 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:08

gross

By T552 | 12

#2049247 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

I lol'd XD

By shaaayyee | 0

#2049290 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:06

*shudders*

By derpherp | 0

#2049302 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:07

(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=) High five!

Reply

bagginzy | 14

#2049308 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:09

.......wait, what?

Reply

llamagangster | 0

#2049645 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:59

THE FUCK?

Reply

The_Moustache | 6

#2049700 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:25

wat

Reply

quite_bored | 9

#2049751 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:43

Do you mean (.人.) or (.)(.)?

Reply

hesallineed26 | 0

#2050342 - Sunday 6 February 2011 3:44

These are mine:
( . Y . )

(:

Reply

theSSiscool | 0

#2050982 - Sunday 6 February 2011 8:16

[]D[][]/[][]D slap!

Reply

Serec | 0

#2051322 - Sunday 6 February 2011 10:55

Why....

why do you always put little gay Japanese emoticons in your comments?

I can do that too. （−＿−；）

Reply

AndyAutopsy | 11

#4837634 - Monday 20 August 2012 8:45

One of your boobs has a smiley face on it?! And for those of you who won't get it, that was sarcasm.

By 64ponygirl | 1

#2049341 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

LOL Win!

By marinaim | 17

#2049343 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Safety first!

By mrahhhhh | 21

#2049347 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

#1 You fail at Spanish. The h is silent in Spanish.

OP: maybe she didn't want another you to come along? Just kidding, that really does suck.

By 4Lonely2Stoner0 | 0

#2049349 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Is she hot

Reply

GhettoNinja707 | 0

#3610838 - Sunday 20 November 2011 18:04

Well....was she?

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049502 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:10

Does whip cream count as a condiment? I hope so...

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#2049615 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:45

So, the image of a naked mom running across the house looking for whip cream or something in a squeeze spout is better? Kinky kinky!(:

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049737 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:35

It is better. "Kinky" is my middle name!
It's actually Pinky but it's close enough...right? RIGHT?!

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2054883 - Monday 7 February 2011 12:18

Tabasco sauce is where it's at. lather her up and go to town

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#2115601 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

there's a bottle inside of you