Miscellaneous: Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom.... - FML

By bob - 05/02/2011 12:02 - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 071

You deserved it 4 205

This Charming Man

Pride and joy

Nice guy

Scammed

By Beuhilda - 19/05/2021 20:01

Today, I sold a dresser on OfferUp. When I arrive at the customer’s house to deliver it and discussed the payment, she got upset and called me a selfish, greedy bitch because she’s a "single mom on food stamps." She berated me to the point of tears. I left without getting my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 594

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 525

You deserved it 35 814

By Anonymous - 10/06/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 309

You deserved it 50 187

Well done!

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 17:01

Today, I got congratulations at work for being "so focused" and "not spending time on my phone." I didn't have the heart to tell my manager I don't spend time on my phone because I have no friends to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 104

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 23:02 - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 100

You deserved it 5 016

Denied

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 275

By NoBalls - 12/06/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 254

You deserved it 22 437

By fireman - 06/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 986

You deserved it 8 351

By XxespoxX - 11/05/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 028

You deserved it 101 867

By Noname - 13/03/2009 15:49 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 629

You deserved it 12 884

By kill me - 30/09/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 840

You deserved it 2 350

By anon - 31/01/2011 22:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 916

You deserved it 8 807

Signs

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 23:00

Today, it's been a year since I moved 200 km across the country to be closer to my boyfriend of 5 years and his kids. I got the keys to my flat and 3 days later the pandemic was a fact. Shouldn’t have ignored that sign. I’m single now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 108

My kid, the playa

By baldiesmom - 29/08/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I learned that my 18-year-old son has had more sexual partners together at one time than I've had separately in total in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 189

Corporate hell

By Anonymous - 13/09/2019 04:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out I didn't get the promotion I applied for. Then I was told I was the only one who applied for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 132

By NeverEscaping - 03/02/2013 00:52 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I decided at age 18 that it's time to put into storage the picture books that have been collecting dust in my room for nearly a decade. My mother took this as a sign that I'm planning to move out and abandon her forever, and has been crying for the last four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 965

You deserved it 2 911

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 00:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 979

You deserved it 3 359

By Anonymous - 17/05/2012 21:54 - United States - Spring

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 259

You deserved it 2 184

By ealovan - 03/03/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 9 658

By taylor_eileen - 26/12/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 524

You deserved it 3 174

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 03:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 677

You deserved it 6 097

By letmedienow - 11/10/2011 17:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 3 383

By pacificbeach - 02/03/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 560

You deserved it 55 069

By Lexy - 10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 987

You deserved it 416

By jaivolétonnez - 17/06/2015 05:54 - France - La Courneuve

Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 422

You deserved it 7 005

By sad gf - 14/11/2010 20:29

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to say happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 704

You deserved it 5 813

By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 179

You deserved it 14 401

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 062

You deserved it 4 831

By Thesuz - 06/09/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 600

You deserved it 3 308

By Noname - 05/03/2009 19:44 - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536 151

You deserved it 52 948

By Noname - 09/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 594

You deserved it 2 925

By baseball25635 - 01/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 410

You deserved it 40 338

By Slayer - 09/10/2011 23:28 - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 543

You deserved it 35 563

By Anonymous - 25/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 460

You deserved it 5 758

By loserman - 16/02/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I accidentally deleted my entire email inbox. Everything from the last 3 years. EV-ER-Y-THING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 466

You deserved it 56 229

By ... - 27/07/2014 05:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 235

You deserved it 5 354

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 623

You deserved it 8 675

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 06:03 - United States - Demorest

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 969

You deserved it 3 891

By Ottawa - 12/05/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 404

You deserved it 84 201

By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/03/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 159

You deserved it 3 493

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Top comments

denlillakotten 4

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Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

Comments

denlillakotten 4

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Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

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Saturday 5 February 2011 21:49

hahaha I love it!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 2:36

hahaha me too!

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Sunday 6 February 2011 13:42

word I would of left the house lol !!

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 4:18

that's awesome I think I would have pissed my pants then go blind .....lol

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Friday 12 August 2011 5:23

You cant unsee that

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Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

oh wow... ur so lucky.

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Sunday 6 February 2011 5:57

lol wtf

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:17

Incest = wincest?

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:08

gross

T552 12

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Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

I lol'd XD

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:06

*shudders*

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:07

(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=) High five!

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:09

.......wait, what?

llamagangster 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 21:59

THE FUCK?

The_Moustache 6

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Saturday 5 February 2011 22:25

wat

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Saturday 5 February 2011 22:43

Do you mean (.人.) or (.)(.)?

hesallineed26 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 3:44

These are mine: ( . Y . ) (:

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Sunday 6 February 2011 8:16

[]D[][]/[][]D slap!

Serec 0

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Sunday 6 February 2011 10:55

Why.... why do you always put little gay Japanese emoticons in your comments? I can do that too. （−＿−；）

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Monday 20 August 2012 8:45

One of your boobs has a smiley face on it?! And for those of you who won't get it, that was sarcasm.

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

LOL Win!

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Safety first!

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

#1 You fail at Spanish. The h is silent in Spanish. OP: maybe she didn't want another you to come along? Just kidding, that really does suck.

4Lonely2Stoner0 0

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Is she hot

GhettoNinja707 0

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Sunday 20 November 2011 18:04

Well....was she?

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Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

KingDingALing 9

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Saturday 5 February 2011 21:10

Does whip cream count as a condiment? I hope so...

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Saturday 5 February 2011 21:45

So, the image of a naked mom running across the house looking for whip cream or something in a squeeze spout is better? Kinky kinky!(:

KingDingALing 9

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Saturday 5 February 2011 22:35

It is better. "Kinky" is my middle name! It's actually Pinky but it's close enough...right? RIGHT?!

SchiTzenGiglez 0

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Monday 7 February 2011 12:18

Tabasco sauce is where it's at. lather her up and go to town

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

there's a bottle inside of you

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 9

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 993

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 1 147