Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom.... - FML

By bob - 5/2/2011 12:02 - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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Rock, hard place

Tidy your room

You snooze, you lose

By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/2/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By ilovekids? - 12/12/2015 02:05 - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

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By DogThermoeter - 10/3/2019 18:00

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

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By foojew93 - 9/8/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

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By wnrz - 18/2/2012 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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By EmberLove - 17/1/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By Shoofly - 4/3/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By ToobyFrank - 6/3/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

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By milkysubstance - 14/3/2017 05:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML

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By Tytonic - 3/2/2020 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Please, apologize

Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML

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By blah56 - 23/6/2012 05:17 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Rhett_15 - 1/8/2017 13:00

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Ouijake - 4/1/2017 00:15

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2011 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

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By fmldailyyy - 18/9/2010 23:13 - Ireland

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By dogggg - 14/7/2014 02:10 - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

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By rider - 24/11/2009 10:58 - Qatar

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 08:33 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

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By 2234 - 4/10/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By Churizmo - 19/7/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By WTF? - 3/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

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By ishouldhidethekeys - 4/11/2009 08:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

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By Claustrophobic - 4/4/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 21:02 - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

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By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 5/3/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

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By lolmyfduplife - 24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

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By workworkwork - 26/11/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2012 08:25 - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

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By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By ohmigodimchokin - 19/11/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

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By MissQ - 20/6/2020 17:01

That's a great look!

Today, I was trying to learn how to whistle. On the elevator ride up to my room, I was experimenting with tongue placement and mouth position. At the height of my facial contortions and probable spitting, the elevator doors opened to reveal the guy I've been crushing. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

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By wowthanks - 11/1/2013 19:37 - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

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Top comments

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

COMMENTS

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

Reply

leannpaige | 0

#2049621 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:49

hahaha I love it!

Reply

calley123 | 0

#2050147 - Sunday 6 February 2011 2:36

hahaha me too!

Reply

datboyborii | 0

#2051603 - Sunday 6 February 2011 13:42

word I would of left the house lol !!

Reply

kaite1587 | 0

#2135162 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 4:18

that's awesome I think I would have pissed my pants then go blind .....lol

Reply

Ginkle45 | 1

#3090559 - Friday 12 August 2011 5:23

You cant unsee that

By xGraycloud | 4

#2049246 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

oh wow...
ur so lucky.

Reply

agm2010 | 0

#2050652 - Sunday 6 February 2011 5:57

lol wtf

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2111277 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:17

Incest = wincest?

Reply

JcLove8 | 0

#3030825 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:08

gross

By T552 | 12

#2049247 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

I lol'd XD

By shaaayyee | 0

#2049290 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:06

*shudders*

By derpherp | 0

#2049302 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:07

(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=) High five!

Reply

bagginzy | 14

#2049308 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:09

.......wait, what?

Reply

llamagangster | 0

#2049645 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:59

THE FUCK?

Reply

The_Moustache | 6

#2049700 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:25

wat

Reply

quite_bored | 9

#2049751 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:43

Do you mean (.人.) or (.)(.)?

Reply

hesallineed26 | 0

#2050342 - Sunday 6 February 2011 3:44

These are mine:
( . Y . )

(:

Reply

theSSiscool | 0

#2050982 - Sunday 6 February 2011 8:16

[]D[][]/[][]D slap!

Reply

Serec | 0

#2051322 - Sunday 6 February 2011 10:55

Why....

why do you always put little gay Japanese emoticons in your comments?

I can do that too. （−＿−；）

Reply

AndyAutopsy | 11

#4837634 - Monday 20 August 2012 8:45

One of your boobs has a smiley face on it?! And for those of you who won't get it, that was sarcasm.

By 64ponygirl | 1

#2049341 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

LOL Win!

By marinaim | 17

#2049343 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Safety first!

By mrahhhhh | 19

#2049347 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

#1 You fail at Spanish. The h is silent in Spanish.

OP: maybe she didn't want another you to come along? Just kidding, that really does suck.

By 4Lonely2Stoner0 | 0

#2049349 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Is she hot

Reply

GhettoNinja707 | 0

#3610838 - Sunday 20 November 2011 18:04

Well....was she?

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049502 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:10

Does whip cream count as a condiment? I hope so...

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#2049615 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:45

So, the image of a naked mom running across the house looking for whip cream or something in a squeeze spout is better? Kinky kinky!(:

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049737 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:35

It is better. "Kinky" is my middle name!
It's actually Pinky but it's close enough...right? RIGHT?!

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2054883 - Monday 7 February 2011 12:18

Tabasco sauce is where it's at. lather her up and go to town

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#2115601 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

there's a bottle inside of you