Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom.... - FML

By bob - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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Non-baby fever

Cloth ears

Some winners…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By HagFag

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

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By comphone - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By idontunderstand

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cortland

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

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By Rach - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By grossedout - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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By idiot says "you raised him" - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By hastobeajoke - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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By snoozlagist - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05 - United Kingdom

Size Queen

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

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By alucas3 - United States

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Cody1324

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years is better friends with my younger sister and when she has free time to go out and do something, she would rather spend it with her than with me. FML

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By malos - United States

Today, my band got booed off stage. FML

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By Sean - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By booyouwhoree - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By MickeyDManager - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By LXA429 - United States

Today, I went to the tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and turned it on and the fan started blowing. There was a terrible smell and I thought it was the person before me. Then I realized it was just the fan blowing my sweaty feet towards my face. FML

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By Chubsley - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Gutted. - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

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By NoTalkAllGame - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

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By CantWin - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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Top comments

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

COMMENTS

By denlillakotten | 4

#2049224 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:54

Hahaha! Funniest thing ever. I would have died

Reply

leannpaige | 0

#2049621 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:49

hahaha I love it!

Reply

calley123 | 0

#2050147 - Sunday 6 February 2011 2:36

hahaha me too!

Reply

datboyborii | 0

#2051603 - Sunday 6 February 2011 13:42

word I would of left the house lol !!

Reply

kaite1587 | 0

#2135162 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 4:18

that's awesome I think I would have pissed my pants then go blind .....lol

Reply

Ginkle45 | 1

#3090559 - Friday 12 August 2011 5:23

You cant unsee that

By xGraycloud | 4

#2049246 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

oh wow...
ur so lucky.

Reply

agm2010 | 0

#2050652 - Sunday 6 February 2011 5:57

lol wtf

Reply

SulfurPlague | 0

#2111277 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 15:17

Incest = wincest?

Reply

JcLove8 | 0

#3030825 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 19:08

gross

By T552 | 12

#2049247 - Saturday 5 February 2011 19:59

I lol'd XD

By shaaayyee | 0

#2049290 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:06

*shudders*

By derpherp | 0

#2049302 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:07

(=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=) High five!

Reply

bagginzy | 14

#2049308 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:09

.......wait, what?

Reply

llamagangster | 0

#2049645 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:59

THE FUCK?

Reply

The_Moustache | 6

#2049700 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:25

wat

Reply

quite_bored | 9

#2049751 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:43

Do you mean (.人.) or (.)(.)?

Reply

hesallineed26 | 0

#2050342 - Sunday 6 February 2011 3:44

These are mine:
( . Y . )

(:

Reply

theSSiscool | 0

#2050982 - Sunday 6 February 2011 8:16

[]D[][]/[][]D slap!

Reply

Serec | 0

#2051322 - Sunday 6 February 2011 10:55

Why....

why do you always put little gay Japanese emoticons in your comments?

I can do that too. （−＿−；）

Reply

AndyAutopsy | 11

#4837634 - Monday 20 August 2012 8:45

One of your boobs has a smiley face on it?! And for those of you who won't get it, that was sarcasm.

By 64ponygirl | 1

#2049341 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

LOL Win!

By marinaim | 17

#2049343 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Safety first!

By mrahhhhh | 19

#2049347 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

#1 You fail at Spanish. The h is silent in Spanish.

OP: maybe she didn't want another you to come along? Just kidding, that really does suck.

By 4Lonely2Stoner0 | 0

#2049349 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:16

Is she hot

Reply

GhettoNinja707 | 0

#3610838 - Sunday 20 November 2011 18:04

Well....was she?

By DocBastard | 38

#2049355 - Saturday 5 February 2011 20:17

You're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion. She didn't say "condom", she said "condiment". So she was just running through the house naked for some mustard. Feel better? Glad I could help.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049502 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:10

Does whip cream count as a condiment? I hope so...

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#2049615 - Saturday 5 February 2011 21:45

So, the image of a naked mom running across the house looking for whip cream or something in a squeeze spout is better? Kinky kinky!(:

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#2049737 - Saturday 5 February 2011 22:35

It is better. "Kinky" is my middle name!
It's actually Pinky but it's close enough...right? RIGHT?!

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2054883 - Monday 7 February 2011 12:18

Tabasco sauce is where it's at. lather her up and go to town

Reply

bloobelly | 0

#2115601 - Wednesday 23 February 2011 18:45

there's a bottle inside of you