Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't... - FML

By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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Social distancing done right

I CAN HEAR YOU

All over the place

By teebs - 14/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tualatin

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

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By Crazy In-Laws - United States - Danvers

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

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By dmlk - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

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By Gigi - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By WTF - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

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By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By zarko - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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By Nofreeride

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, it's been 3 days since I moved into my new house. I'm already known as the neighborhood racist, after some dicksplash thought it'd be funny to tape a sign to my door overnight that said: "DO NOT RING IF YOU ARE A NEGRO AND/OR JEW." FML

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By LexMarie12

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By akasha - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my patient had her call bell on. When I went to see what she needed, she replied that she was very itchy and could not reach to scratch the itch. I basically got called in to scratch my patient's crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I was working out at the gym doing squats. There was a girl there that I wanted to impress so I loaded up the bar with a lot of weight and began to do my squat. As I was going down I farted so loud that I began to laugh and fell backwards. Everyone in the room just stared at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

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By the hated - United States - Absecon

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

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By daisyann - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By HowToGetFired - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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By a - United Kingdom - Ascot

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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By CBM2012 - United States

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

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By njh - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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By Bob - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

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By devigsgirl - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

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By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By sofked - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By Ohgodmother - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

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By Anonymous

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By hellokitty133 - United States

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

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By Emma-Louise - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

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Top comments

By colleen2920 | 0

#2068078 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:16

say, I'm right here you moron

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#2068124 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:30

Disengage your cloaking device...

COMMENTS

By Auzzie34 | 0

#2068037 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:08

Maybe you should participate more.

Reply

skweez_fml | 0

#2068172 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:41

i agree

Reply

VianaJ_Garcia | 14

#2068444 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:43

Or maybe she has a lousy tutor.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#2068612 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:22

Were you wearing camo that day?

Reply

MrBrick | 0

#2069578 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:44

yes OP your life sucks because ur so fuckin boring that no one notices you....(sarcasm)

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#2069876 - Friday 11 February 2011 10:23

come on 39 y so mean lol the tutor is just probably stupid man

Reply

camillewhite1 | 12

#4722440 - Monday 23 July 2012 5:10

LLLLOOOLLLL

By TheDrop | 0

#2068045 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:09

You deserve it for being shy and anti-social

By colleen2920 | 0

#2068078 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:16

say, I'm right here you moron

Reply

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2069056 - Friday 11 February 2011 4:58

the tutor knows he's there now thats why he email him

By InBetweenDreams | 0

#2068094 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:20

Maybe you should try speaking up. :) Step out of your shell.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2068116 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:26

Dress yourself up a bit so you stand out more, darling. Either that or speak up a little.

Reply

ollallie | 0

#2068674 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:30

6 ur the bomb I <3 all of it comments they make me :)

Reply

Efilyn | 0

#2069541 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:34

Mirorbo is indeed one of my joys on FML.

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#2068124 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:30

Disengage your cloaking device...

Reply

BeastNerd | 3

#2069537 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:34

I love having my Invisibility Cloak on, too; I can understand why OP would be hesitant to take it off.

Ah! I don't know if I worded that correctly. Can I get some grammatical help?

By Doortje | 28

#2068162 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:38

But it's her favourite colour!

By xmarkstheheart | 0

#2068183 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:44

Are you a midget?

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2068353 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:17

What is that a picture of?? They look like bananas.

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#2068764 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:52

designer bananas :) taste like fabric

By mrssheldoncooper | 0

#2068238 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:54

I'd backhand him. ;D

By mintcar | 9

#2068305 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:08

You weren't supposed to steal clothes from the emperor, OP!!

Reply

GetaLifePlease | 0

#2068344 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:16

the clothes are see through not the emp.

Reply

mintcar | 9

#2069206 - Friday 11 February 2011 5:42

Exactly what I said. Stealing clothes from the emperor. DERP!

Reply

xJASMINEx | 0

#2069524 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:31

but the emporer was naked not invisible, I think if op were naked op'd draw attention rather draw it away. DERP