Miscellaneous: Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't... - FML

By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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Understandable

Vulture

Serious times

By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

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By Fluffy

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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By sadbride - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

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By emzymcsmiles

Bye bye, then

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By dumb mother - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

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By thanksfyi - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By shut_up - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

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By Toolmaker

Today, we got the bill from our lawyer. She'd recommended taking my common-law wife's ex-husband to court for child support, so we went to court and won. The judge awarded us over $8300! The bill came to $18,000. FML

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By mrssagdiyev - United States

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

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By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By toobad - Canada

Today, it's cold and rainy. I would like nothing more than to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie with the woman I love; the same woman who cheated on me and took the TV with her when she left. FML

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By tomuchtime

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By Marcus

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By Literal Baby-Daddy - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By suchagoodholiday - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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By anon

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By your mother - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By Whoopsie

Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard she had a seizure and passed out. FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 05:01 - United States

Weird reason, but OK

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, sitting in my car, an hour into a four-hour trip. The reason? I haven't been lifting with him at his gym during the COVID-19 pandemic. The kicker? We were headed back after a stay-cation with his mom, because yesterday was my birthday. FML

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By taob - China - Nanning

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

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By tbee - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

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By ariana - 8/3/2021 21:30

Relatable

Today, after a full year of absolutely zero social interaction, I realized that I don’t miss it. At all. FML

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By dileigh - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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By Mia - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By blarp - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By mmmtortilla - Spain - Portugalete

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

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Top comments

By colleen2920 | 0

#2068078 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:16

say, I'm right here you moron

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#2068124 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:30

Disengage your cloaking device...

COMMENTS

By Auzzie34 | 0

#2068037 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:08

Maybe you should participate more.

Reply

skweez_fml | 0

#2068172 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:41

i agree

Reply

VianaJ_Garcia | 14

#2068444 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:43

Or maybe she has a lousy tutor.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#2068612 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:22

Were you wearing camo that day?

Reply

MrBrick | 0

#2069578 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:44

yes OP your life sucks because ur so fuckin boring that no one notices you....(sarcasm)

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#2069876 - Friday 11 February 2011 10:23

come on 39 y so mean lol the tutor is just probably stupid man

Reply

camillewhite1 | 12

#4722440 - Monday 23 July 2012 5:10

LLLLOOOLLLL

By TheDrop | 0

#2068045 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:09

You deserve it for being shy and anti-social

By colleen2920 | 0

#2068078 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:16

say, I'm right here you moron

Reply

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2069056 - Friday 11 February 2011 4:58

the tutor knows he's there now thats why he email him

By InBetweenDreams | 0

#2068094 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:20

Maybe you should try speaking up. :) Step out of your shell.

By Mirorbo | 26

#2068116 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:26

Dress yourself up a bit so you stand out more, darling. Either that or speak up a little.

Reply

ollallie | 0

#2068674 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:30

6 ur the bomb I <3 all of it comments they make me :)

Reply

Efilyn | 0

#2069541 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:34

Mirorbo is indeed one of my joys on FML.

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#2068124 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:30

Disengage your cloaking device...

Reply

BeastNerd | 3

#2069537 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:34

I love having my Invisibility Cloak on, too; I can understand why OP would be hesitant to take it off.

Ah! I don't know if I worded that correctly. Can I get some grammatical help?

By Doortje | 29

#2068162 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:38

But it's her favourite colour!

By xmarkstheheart | 0

#2068183 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:44

Are you a midget?

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2068353 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:17

What is that a picture of?? They look like bananas.

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#2068764 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:52

designer bananas :) taste like fabric

By mrssheldoncooper | 0

#2068238 - Friday 11 February 2011 1:54

I'd backhand him. ;D

By mintcar | 9

#2068305 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:08

You weren't supposed to steal clothes from the emperor, OP!!

Reply

GetaLifePlease | 0

#2068344 - Friday 11 February 2011 2:16

the clothes are see through not the emp.

Reply

mintcar | 9

#2069206 - Friday 11 February 2011 5:42

Exactly what I said. Stealing clothes from the emperor. DERP!

Reply

xJASMINEx | 0

#2069524 - Friday 11 February 2011 7:31

but the emporer was naked not invisible, I think if op were naked op'd draw attention rather draw it away. DERP