By NoFightResponse - United States

Easy mistake

Today, I parked my car on the street late at night, when I was distracted by a text message. Some guy then gets in my passenger side. Panicked, thinking I was being robbed, I bolt out of my car bruising my head and dropping my phone onto the pavement. The guy meant to get in the car behind me. FML

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Vulture

BO Central

Keep the peace

By crazycatlady - United States

Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML

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By ugh - United States

Roommates from hell

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

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By turtle - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By Jan - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By Catpiss - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

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By gr8terevil - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By Hm - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By Lovenem - United States

Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2021 02:00

Antiques Roadshow

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

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By Tinkerer - United States

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

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By brittgreen - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By tonedef - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By fionnathehuman - United States

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

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By FailureAtLife121 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 02:01

I'm not that old!

Today, I was showing my hair-do from my high school prom from 10 years ago to a drunk neighbor. He turned to my mom and said, "Wow, she was a beautiful girl back in the day." Right in front of me. FML

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By Dj sMoZ!

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

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By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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By bigcityfail - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at a fancy family dinner. The dish I'd made was served, and as we ate, I told my aunt that I was a total failure as a cook, explaining everything wrong about my dish, in painful detail. Apparently we'd both made the same dish. That one wasn't mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

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By fml9124

Quick reflexes

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

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By yollew - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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By whiteboyfresh69 - United States

She likes it!

Today, while sleeping off my hangover, my niece asked me to get her a drink. I gave her a beer, I didn't notice it until it was gone. She is only 6 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Warrington

Yada yada yada

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By uh-oh - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

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By YahItsMe94 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By jessie - 16/12/2020 20:58 - United States - Denver

Armchair psychiatrist

Today, I was informed that I am, in fact, faking my depression. Why? Because I shower daily. FML

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By caisse à outs - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#139126 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:25

LOL, he's probably writing a fml

By Darth_Taco | 14

#139122 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:22

Oh man, that sucks. I'd probably do the same thing though. When some random guy gets into your car, what else would you do? Of course you'd panic. Don't worry, you're not the only one that would panic.

COMMENTS

By twilighter_644 | 0

#139116 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:19

i guess its not ur fault,
but ur life is far from fucked up

Reply

CitizenSnipz | 0

#1349080 - Saturday 4 September 2010 8:12

FML is a shifty moment that ruins his day.
that qualifies.

Reply

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3823481 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 8:57

#1 Cool picture :)

By Darth_Taco | 14

#139122 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:22

Oh man, that sucks. I'd probably do the same thing though. When some random guy gets into your car, what else would you do? Of course you'd panic. Don't worry, you're not the only one that would panic.

Reply

xXUND3ADcityXx | 0

#4315285 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 4:52

Better than what I would do..I won't go into that but fyl that's still pretty scary

By 24788 | 6

#139126 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:25

LOL, he's probably writing a fml

By elementum749 | 0

#139127 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:26

really this isnt that bad. . . .

By Get_Naykid | 0

#139130 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:27

Did he drive away? Or did he get your number?

By ibanezrg220 | 0

#139132 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:29

How about locking your door while you are driving so this doesnt happen.

By latuka | 0

#139155 - Friday 24 April 2009 12:55

umm why was your car door unlocked 'late at night'? you obviously aren't from a big city... or a moderately big city. or a city at all.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#139164 - Friday 24 April 2009 13:05

#7 & #8: I think they we're getting OUT of the car, and I have lived in a big city ALL of my life, well it isn't that long but still and nothing like this has ever happened to me.

I would panic too, that could have been more than a robber.

Reply

cearalaken | 0

#989412 - Saturday 8 May 2010 15:15

that would have scared the shit out of me too haha i think running out of the car was good just in case he was a rapist or something though

By youre_wrong | 0

#139169 - Friday 24 April 2009 13:10

hahahahaha....

Wow, I hate to......hahahaha

By Abirys | 0

#139177 - Friday 24 April 2009 13:23

lol

Reply

kayPandastyle | 15

#2382912 - Thursday 21 April 2011 12:41

That fml in ur icon is hilarious lmfao XD