Geek: Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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Geek

Walk the line

Out of it

Empathy lives

By Alyssa - United States - Macon

Dirty girl

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

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By grrrrrr - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

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By anythingjean - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By needmorelocks - United States - Santa Paula

What?!

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I was roasting marshmallows around a campfire when mine burst into flames. I instinctively shook the stick to get it to go out. The flaming marshmallow then catapulted straight into my eye, burning my whole eyelid. FML

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By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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By D: - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

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By .... - United States - Geneva

Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

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By supergingerr11 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By ANNIEDBD - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

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By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

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By claustrophobic - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 17:01

Desperate man

Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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By Light Sleeper - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

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By sandysmith - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By crétin-crédule - France - Isle

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

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By Anonymous

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By dumbfriend - United States

Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By Wet Britches - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

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By Asterisk1009 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

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By Tyto - United States - Lewes

Today, I learned that the only reason my girlfriend stayed with me is because I drove us to school every morning. FML

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Top comments

By Madalena_fml | 0

#157122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

FAIL .

Couldn't you just miss the call & call them back later ?

By Tehalon | 0

#157142 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

Maybe you should sober up before running in the house.

COMMENTS

By Madalena_fml | 0

#157122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

FAIL .

Couldn't you just miss the call & call them back later ?

khosa | 0

#1283593 - Sunday 22 August 2010 10:42

hahahahahahhahahah u SUCK

By Kiwi18 | 0

#157125 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:19

how would you know its a wrong number if your tv fell on you. im sure the last thing you wouldve tried to do was check the phone after all that.

legendbiscuits | 5

#2438702 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:54

agreed

snickerz01 | 0

#2648406 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:59

an amazing thing called voicemail! herp a derp!

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823851 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:57

Well she couldn't just give up then!

By lizwriteslove | 0

#157129 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:19

I'm so proud of you!

By Tehalon | 0

#157142 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

Maybe you should sober up before running in the house.

walkmywaynot | 0

#1155794 - Thursday 29 July 2010 8:35

or not run in the house at all

By wutupbruh | 0

#157144 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

this is like that scene in burn after reading...

By username0333 | 0

#157158 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

idiot

By username0333 | 0

#157159 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

idiot

By Champloo92 | 0

#157171 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:23

i agree with number 3

By jio_freed | 0

#157197 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:27

#3 and #8 - she probably called them back afterwards

By KnOcOuT | 0

#157199 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:28

That is why you need to walk to the phone instead of running. You will get there in time and not hurt yourself.

azhein | 0

#971286 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 22:19

there's a lot of posts like this you think people would learn