Geek: Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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Geek

The smell detective is on the case

Lockdown is driving us down

Workaholic

By flowerging - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By Female Struggles - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

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By horribleday - United States - Ozark

Today, my husband stood me up for his birthday dinner, that I'd made, in our house. FML

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By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By pooped - China

Today, I was walking to find a public toilet in a Chinese village. While looking for the women's restroom, I stepped on a thin sheet of plastic. I fell into the toilet's waste collection area and found myself knee-deep in the villagers' faeces. FML

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By DMitch - United States

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

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By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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By Gribby - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

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By kerensa - Australia - Mornington

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

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By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By dear god help me. - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

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By mee - Australia

Dates that matter

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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By Rissa Warrington - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

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By pygmyfrog - 10/12/2020 14:02

Seize the means

Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 16:01 - United Kingdom

Can't catch a break

Today, I’ve been working 4 months to cover people isolating, so I was finally looking forward to a Saturday of fishing, a date night then a lazy Sunday watching TV. Only my wife who, as soon as she heard I had a whole weekend free, handed me a list of vital house jobs that need doing, “NOW NOW NOW.” FML

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By abercrombieef - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

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By Mia

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML

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By Heavy D - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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By Mina

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

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By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By seriously?

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

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By jess - 29/7/2020 20:02

Empathy

Today, my friends were showing me infomercials and laughing at how clumsy and stupid the people were. I could relate to every single one of them. FML

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By notyourparkingspot - Canada - Edmonton

Today, a guy who lives in my condo complex threatened to take my husband and me to small claims court. Why? He was mad about the $300 fine to get his truck back after it was towed, because he was parked in our spot. FML

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By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By PangolinScholar - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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By Max Flynn

Jesus freak

Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn't until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. FML

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By Swatted - United States - Sparks

Today, a model I've been working on for an art competition was declined. They thought I was being insensitive and "rudely glorifying 9/11". My model was about the ending scene of King Kong. I spent twenty hours on that model. FML

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By thanks dad - 1/8/2020 02:02

In my day…

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

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Top comments

By Madalena_fml | 0

#157122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

FAIL .

Couldn't you just miss the call & call them back later ?

By Tehalon | 0

#157142 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

Maybe you should sober up before running in the house.

COMMENTS

By Madalena_fml | 0

#157122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:18

FAIL .

Couldn't you just miss the call & call them back later ?

khosa | 0

#1283593 - Sunday 22 August 2010 10:42

hahahahahahhahahah u SUCK

By Kiwi18 | 0

#157125 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:19

how would you know its a wrong number if your tv fell on you. im sure the last thing you wouldve tried to do was check the phone after all that.

legendbiscuits | 5

#2438702 - Sunday 1 May 2011 14:54

agreed

snickerz01 | 0

#2648406 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:59

an amazing thing called voicemail! herp a derp!

dudeman1212 | 22

#3823851 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 9:57

Well she couldn't just give up then!

By lizwriteslove | 0

#157129 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:19

I'm so proud of you!

By Tehalon | 0

#157142 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

Maybe you should sober up before running in the house.

walkmywaynot | 0

#1155794 - Thursday 29 July 2010 8:35

or not run in the house at all

By wutupbruh | 0

#157144 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:20

this is like that scene in burn after reading...

By username0333 | 0

#157158 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

idiot

By username0333 | 0

#157159 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:22

idiot

By Champloo92 | 0

#157171 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:23

i agree with number 3

By jio_freed | 0

#157197 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:27

#3 and #8 - she probably called them back afterwards

By KnOcOuT | 0

#157199 - Thursday 30 April 2009 21:28

That is why you need to walk to the phone instead of running. You will get there in time and not hurt yourself.

azhein | 0

#971286 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 22:19

there's a lot of posts like this you think people would learn