Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone...

By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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Miscellaneous

Nice neighborhood

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 17:25 - Latvia - Aluksne

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

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By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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By codizzy - 18/8/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

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By raesos91 - 18/9/2012 11:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

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By Aciliveth - 10/6/2010 16:07 - Canada

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By Lotz - 29/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that my sister has been stealing money from me. My parents won't do anything because there's "no evidence it was her". She's the only one in this house that spends regularly and has opportunities to take it while no one's around. FML

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By anon - 12/12/2014 01:43 - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

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By BriSwag4321 - 21/9/2018 05:00

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 07:48 - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By fuckingjesusgran - 7/5/2013 22:13 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Sarajevo

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

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By HitbyIce - 7/2/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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By o___O" - 10/5/2013 20:11 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By nola2005 - 1/10/2019 00:01

Hoarded in

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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By Me - 31/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By TimeForAHairCut - 8/6/2012 23:44 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 00:11 - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 14:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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By Tabeling101 - 12/12/2016 01:51

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

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By hellosaila - 27/2/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

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By ihateeverything - 30/1/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/3/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By douchetard - 26/3/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there." There was a long awkward silence. FML

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By Sudokori - 29/8/2017 20:00

A Dog's Love = Priceless

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

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By insanitycalling - 26/10/2011 06:36 - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By jackson - 6/9/2010 17:02 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

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By Tiana - 9/1/2012 01:51 - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2014 02:25 - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Sad preggo - 24/1/2017 14:00

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

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By OverIt - 25/2/2014 22:24 - United States - Winchester

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

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By fiery - 24/7/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By moo... - 18/5/2013 02:59

Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML

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By stink - 1/7/2015 02:40 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

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By stachattack - 23/12/2017 15:00

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By Billz - 10/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - 8/3/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By Author - 24/2/2014 22:22 - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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Top comments

By Mauskau | 35

#6666953 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:06

I would've just laughed it off. Doesn't matter if it was my sister or not, hoes gotta hold up and wait for their turn.

By leahishazy | 5

#6650783 - Saturday 16 July 2016 0:21

She should probably take a chill pill if being called hoe in a gas station is worthy of a death glare.

COMMENTS

By leahishazy | 5

#6650783 - Saturday 16 July 2016 0:21

She should probably take a chill pill if being called hoe in a gas station is worthy of a death glare.

ScarletteEve | 33

#6667124 - Sunday 7 August 2016 19:53

She's an edgy goth, that's probably her resting expression.

By Mauskau | 35

#6666953 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:06

I would've just laughed it off. Doesn't matter if it was my sister or not, hoes gotta hold up and wait for their turn.

AlexGuy711 | 14

#6667351 - Monday 8 August 2016 4:41

Fuck you sexist.

By Zlunder | 19

#6666959 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:21

Have you ever heard of shit recycle? I'm sure she interdouced it to you that time.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6667087 - Sunday 7 August 2016 18:30

Wat

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6667147 - Sunday 7 August 2016 20:34

I don't think anyone's heard of that.

thepandabear123 | 5

#6667193 - Sunday 7 August 2016 22:30

Interdouced....okay then

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6667249 - Monday 8 August 2016 1:05

I read it as interdouched and thought it had to do with this 'shit recycle'. Not that it made it make any more sense to me that is..

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6666962 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:33

Hoes gon be hoes

By OneFluffyBunny | 4

#6666967 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:57

Never piss off Lisbeth Salander!

fhksuaifk | 16

#6667481 - Monday 8 August 2016 8:17

Haha. I just watched all those movies this week

By guttedbrit | 26

#6666972 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:26

me and my best friend refer to each other in this term all the time and this does usually happen. No bother! it just makes for good stories later on!

By queen_lol | 24

#6666973 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:36

Lmfaooo . bitches gots to wait their turn. Lol

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6666981 - Sunday 7 August 2016 13:01

Eh you'll never see them again, and who knows, maybe she's a goth hoe.

Colon_Man | 17

#6667123 - Sunday 7 August 2016 19:53

"You'll never see them, again."

*show up to work the next day*

"This is your new cube mate..."

lukian_fml | 29

#6667255 - Monday 8 August 2016 1:22

So a farming tool in goth?

By ClairvoyantVamp | 19

#6667037 - Sunday 7 August 2016 15:54

Please explain to me the relevance of her subculture and hairstyle.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6667204 - Sunday 7 August 2016 23:02

To give the FML more detail. You always want to give your writing detail so the reader can imagine the scene.

By sadpanda888 | 12

#6667086 - Sunday 7 August 2016 18:23

Not an edgy haircut too! How scary!!