Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone...

By Watsausrname

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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Miscellaneous

Not now!

Small town blues

Not now, please

By jll14 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By ohshat - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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2813

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By azouwa

Everybody wants to be a cat

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 16:00

Wrong place, right time

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

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438

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By seriously? - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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By rowie1311 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Today, I noticed that the longer I work from home, the more inclined my mother is to interrupting it every five or ten minutes. She says I can stay online late to make it a full 8 hours, but then gets mad when I actually do so. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the "nasty smell" in my room, which I cannot detect, does not exist. It was just my stepmother trying to make me go insane deep-cleaning my room for her personal amusement. FML

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By OG Pinecone - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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1547

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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By dantko - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By nakedweddingday - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By Ltl_Dust_Bunny - United States

Today, I met a cute guy for coffee. Everything was going fine, right up until he started telling me about his alien encounters and super psychic powers. FML

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By artiemilano - United States

Today, I let my mother use my computer for school work. Later that day my mom asks me what's wrong with the computer. I look at it, only seeing a "Welcome to Windows XP" screen. She said that she saw a blue screen and pressed L and C when it asked her to. My mom managed to clear my hard drive. FML

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34912

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By ihaveissues

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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3117

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279

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By fuck you right back, cockspit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

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48548

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By rubmytummy - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By loveeyou. - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By Stolemylady - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

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By mikeycoco

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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44163

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By Single and wigless

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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2029

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By Anonymous - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

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18442

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By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

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25685

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 05:02

Alexa, play "Glad to be Unhappy" by The Mamas & The Papas

Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML

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540

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By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By Tay Tay

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

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By JG - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By risingtide

Today, I reached my exam center late after taking wrong metro twice, only to find that I forgot my calculator at home. FML

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2296

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By CollegeKid - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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Top comments

By Mauskau | 35

#6666953 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:06

I would've just laughed it off. Doesn't matter if it was my sister or not, hoes gotta hold up and wait for their turn.

By leahishazy | 5

#6650783 - Saturday 16 July 2016 0:21

She should probably take a chill pill if being called hoe in a gas station is worthy of a death glare.

COMMENTS

By leahishazy | 5

#6650783 - Saturday 16 July 2016 0:21

She should probably take a chill pill if being called hoe in a gas station is worthy of a death glare.

ScarletteEve | 33

#6667124 - Sunday 7 August 2016 19:53

She's an edgy goth, that's probably her resting expression.

By Mauskau | 35

#6666953 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:06

I would've just laughed it off. Doesn't matter if it was my sister or not, hoes gotta hold up and wait for their turn.

AlexGuy711 | 14

#6667351 - Monday 8 August 2016 4:41

Fuck you sexist.

By Zlunder | 19

#6666959 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:21

Have you ever heard of shit recycle? I'm sure she interdouced it to you that time.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6667087 - Sunday 7 August 2016 18:30

Wat

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6667147 - Sunday 7 August 2016 20:34

I don't think anyone's heard of that.

thepandabear123 | 5

#6667193 - Sunday 7 August 2016 22:30

Interdouced....okay then

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6667249 - Monday 8 August 2016 1:05

I read it as interdouched and thought it had to do with this 'shit recycle'. Not that it made it make any more sense to me that is..

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6666962 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:33

Hoes gon be hoes

By OneFluffyBunny | 4

#6666967 - Sunday 7 August 2016 11:57

Never piss off Lisbeth Salander!

fhksuaifk | 16

#6667481 - Monday 8 August 2016 8:17

Haha. I just watched all those movies this week

By guttedbrit | 26

#6666972 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:26

me and my best friend refer to each other in this term all the time and this does usually happen. No bother! it just makes for good stories later on!

By queen_lol | 24

#6666973 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:36

Lmfaooo . bitches gots to wait their turn. Lol

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6666981 - Sunday 7 August 2016 13:01

Eh you'll never see them again, and who knows, maybe she's a goth hoe.

Colon_Man | 17

#6667123 - Sunday 7 August 2016 19:53

"You'll never see them, again."

*show up to work the next day*

"This is your new cube mate..."

lukian_fml | 29

#6667255 - Monday 8 August 2016 1:22

So a farming tool in goth?

By ClairvoyantVamp | 19

#6667037 - Sunday 7 August 2016 15:54

Please explain to me the relevance of her subculture and hairstyle.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6667204 - Sunday 7 August 2016 23:02

To give the FML more detail. You always want to give your writing detail so the reader can imagine the scene.

By sadpanda888 | 12

#6667086 - Sunday 7 August 2016 18:23

Not an edgy haircut too! How scary!!