Transportation: Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 133

15/10/2010 14:08

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 382

You deserved it 4 065

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mama's boy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

16/06/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 1 140

30/03/2009 10:14

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 465

You deserved it 7 432

17/01/2009 19:49

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 801

You deserved it 2 935

15/01/2009 16:00

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 666

You deserved it 3 815

27/06/2009 06:33

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 843

You deserved it 80 455

04/05/2011 05:41

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 229

You deserved it 8 069

16/03/2016 09:11

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 723

You deserved it 1 487

08/06/2013 23:26

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 101

You deserved it 6 048

22/06/2011 13:31

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 710

You deserved it 35 879

09/06/2009 23:12

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 210

You deserved it 4 224

25/02/2016 18:59

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 783

You deserved it 1 611

03/08/2014 18:49

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 49 854

05/08/2009 05:05

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 519

You deserved it 8 486

01/06/2013 20:50

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 907

You deserved it 4 396

Tell, don't show

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 10:07

Spicy

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 2 365

03/07/2016 12:52

Today, I was polishing a ring I made at a jewelry shop I intern at. The ring flicked off my fingers and smashed me in the eye. It only took a single trip to the emergency room to make me pretty sure I won't be getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 725

You deserved it 1 371

Weird interaction

By Yue - 23/11/2009 21:14

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 398

You deserved it 2 606

19/08/2015 17:44

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 054

You deserved it 2 081

22/08/2009 21:07

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 567

You deserved it 5 974

13/09/2010 23:40

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 110

You deserved it 6 405

17/11/2011 11:22

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 002

You deserved it 24 138

20/03/2012 08:16

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 090

You deserved it 33 372

Making an entrance

By conspicuous - 12/09/2012 20:11

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and some clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 550

You deserved it 3 874

04/09/2014 01:31

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 093

You deserved it 4 084

25/03/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 525

You deserved it 312

Kids say the dumbest things…

By Marymary - 27/08/2019 20:00

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 253

20/11/2009 15:51

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 254

You deserved it 40 528

02/12/2010 17:02

Spicy

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 765

You deserved it 8 639

06/07/2009 19:33

Spicy

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 658

You deserved it 22 145

05/12/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, to repay my brother who's been hosting me, I took his laundry out to wash. Loading the machine, I gave a tug on the corner of a towel and the biggest dildo I've ever seen flew out of the basket and bounced to a stop in the middle of the floor. Every. One. Saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 245

You deserved it 920

26/12/2009 20:48

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 234

You deserved it 2 330

30/04/2009 15:11

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 503

You deserved it 9 268

21/08/2009 22:15

Spicy

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 162

You deserved it 47 133

24/04/2015 17:39

Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 157

You deserved it 2 062

06/03/2009 01:51

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 156

You deserved it 4 334

17/06/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 033

You deserved it 591

02/05/2012 22:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 895

You deserved it 5 422

25/01/2013 05:31

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 611

You deserved it 13 805

24/05/2012 05:42

Spicy

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 059

You deserved it 7 746

22/02/2009 04:22

Today, I had a job interview at a restauraunt opening up. One manager hypothetically asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most. I left to find I'd locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 156

You deserved it 33 662

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:04

Kick his drunk ass out. Tell him that your plan was for him to be raped by a homeless man.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:03

Nice friend. Time for revenge?

Comments

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:03

Nice friend. Time for revenge?

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:05

damn straight.

biass 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:18

Unlike the other people here, I'm aginst senseless violence. So please be sensible when you beat the crap out of him.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:26

Who said anything about violence? Revenge can take many forms. I prefer a good mindfuck myself.

biass 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:39

Mental abuse is still abuse. Violence is not only physical. Also, Lots of people said something about violence. Scroll down.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:43

Oh, I get it. I assumed you were replying specifically to my post. You know, since you replied to my post.

biass 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 20:50

Lol, no. But I get it now. I love unintentional jokes.

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Friday 15 October 2010 22:07

Tell him that your plan was to instead of punching him in the arm x amount of times for his birthday, you're going to hit him x amount of times with your bat.

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Friday 15 October 2010 22:24

This sounds like last night to me. My friend was sitting in the front seat and he threw up but out the window while we were driving. My friends that were in the back left their window down. When we got home they were cover in vomit. Thank god I was driving lol.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 15 October 2010 22:50

hardcore FML here xD

MissErikaHart 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 15:49

54, ur profile is, interesting...

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Sunday 17 October 2010 12:34

LAWL

nikkidancer321 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:03

that kinda funny

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Friday 15 October 2010 22:06

I like that rock you're sitting on.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:04

Kick his drunk ass out. Tell him that your plan was for him to be raped by a homeless man.

nikkidancer321 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:08

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that's amazing!

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Friday 15 October 2010 21:02

someone needs anger management

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Saturday 16 October 2010 7:31

41 - and you need a sense of humor :)

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Saturday 16 October 2010 9:13

to 68) 18 my ass (refering to age of 68'th poster)

Mister_Grinch 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:05

Ewwww.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:05

Wow dude... fyl for sure. whoop his ass lol

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:08

Should have put his drunk ass on the roof of a Vegas hotel and forgot about him.

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Friday 15 October 2010 21:07

the hangover! :D

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Friday 15 October 2010 22:32

ftw. <3

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:12

Sober you watched him eat all that pasta then drink all that tequila and you still let him in your car. You didn't think a 21-year-old was going to yack after that? YDI.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:12

Good idea.

TheKingOfHyrule 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:19

where did i hear this before?

perdix 29

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:44

The second paragraph is my boiler-plate revenge scheme for when one dude screws another.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:09

This is why you only agree to DD on the condition that you use one of the drunken revelers' car.

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:11

Take a shit in his car.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Friday 15 October 2010 19:11

This is why you only agree to DD on the condition that you use one of the drunken revelers' car.