Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk,... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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Work name

Live dumping

Peaky Bladders

By Hugh_Jankles - 8/1/2010 18:48 - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

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By Kimberly - 22/10/2009 12:26 - France

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By weedvocate - 25/3/2020 14:02

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

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By heart broken - 29/12/2014 09:05 - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 20:02 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

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By awkward - 5/9/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a friend's "party". Everyone bailed but my friend didn't say anything, so it's just me and my girl. The train tickets alone cost £20. FML

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By armybrat - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 23:36 - United States - San Antonio

Hey there!

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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By nokitchenforme - 3/12/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

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By JerseyGirl - 4/9/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

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By lovelife - 27/9/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By oddbrien - 13/12/2016 03:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 22:25 - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - 11/8/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By loner - 14/11/2014 23:12 - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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By Bee - 31/8/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By hellphone_fml - 22/11/2018 03:00

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

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By TanjinaRubbaiyat - 15/1/2010 08:49 - Bangladesh

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

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By June - 5/10/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my love handles. It tickled, so I giggled and squirmed out of his grip. He looked at me quizzically and said, "I'm surprised you still have feeling there with all that fat." FML

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By sylverster - 15/3/2011 12:37 - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By queenbee - 14/6/2015 13:31 - United States - Media

Today, I slept through my alarm and decided to call in sick. After falling back asleep, I woke up to my younger brother robbing my kitchen. It seems he's been doing this for weeks, every time I leave for work. He won't even give it all back. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 15:53 - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By rastamerican - 7/11/2012 01:29 - United States - San Jose

Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2013 04:41 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 16:34 - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

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By DeeGirlMon - 3/8/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By Gob - 16/1/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By vkryss13 - 22/6/2015 19:10 - Guam - Tamuning

Today, I accidentally sat on my sister's imaginary monkey. She then stabbed me with a pencil. I still can't get the piece of graphite out of my hand. FML

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By Rakayla - 29/6/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

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By Princess - 28/5/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

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By kittyjoe - 8/8/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By drunk - 6/3/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

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By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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By Jacquelinez - 20/5/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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Top comments

By blitzer_tidus | 0

#400797 - Thursday 16 July 2009 9:57

Nice. YDI for taking the risk, sorry. I'd make him call a cab :P

By Narzhul | 0

#401744 - Thursday 16 July 2009 17:06

Contrary to popular FML belief, being at fault does not necessarily equal deserving it. Was he at fault for making the mistake of taking such a risk? Yes. Did he deserve being puked on for helping a friend? No.

COMMENTS

By ayadora | 0

#400795 - Thursday 16 July 2009 9:56

agh. I hope you ran over his foot when you drove off. (1st)

By grunthug | 0

#400796 - Thursday 16 July 2009 9:57

First =D that really does suck though.. they should learn not to get so drunk. but I guess YDI it for knowing that he often pukes. :P

Reply

americayay | 0

#400812 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:02

You're not first. I guess life is over now, huh?

Gotta say, though, when I first read this, I thought it said he NEVER pukes, so yeah, he deserves it.

By blitzer_tidus | 0

#400797 - Thursday 16 July 2009 9:57

Nice. YDI for taking the risk, sorry. I'd make him call a cab :P

Reply

Narzhul | 0

#401744 - Thursday 16 July 2009 17:06

Contrary to popular FML belief, being at fault does not necessarily equal deserving it. Was he at fault for making the mistake of taking such a risk? Yes. Did he deserve being puked on for helping a friend? No.

Reply

samc4fun | 0

#990684 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 3:56

nice man boobs #3

By americayay | 0

#400798 - Thursday 16 July 2009 9:57

That sucks. I would take the wallet back after that.

By americayay | 0

#400804 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:00

Aww... he was just trying to do something nice for a friend.

I would mental note this, though, OP, and just take 3's advice in the future.

Reply

americayay | 0

#400819 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:04

I misread this and thought it said the friend never pukes. I change my mind. He deserved it. Or at least asked for it. Nice deed or no.

By Geist_fml | 0

#400806 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:01

you would get the wallet and go to a car wash facility for premium service. Also how drunk was he if he was able to remember his wallet? What a tool.

By Jazzywrites007 | 2

#400832 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:11

This one Reminds me of this One (3656488)
I'm NOT Saying its fake AT ALL, but
They just remind me of one another...

Reply

akvandervort | 21

#401260 - Thursday 16 July 2009 14:22

I was thinking the exact same thing! And good thing you found the post number, because I didn't want to take the time to go look for it. I'm glad someone else thought what I thought.

By coopcas | 0

#400840 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:13

That's cute. Did you guys kiss and make up?

By midwestjerk | 0

#400859 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:23

At least he didn't puke in your car. You might get some on the seats/seatbelt, but it's a hell of a lot better than him tossing his cookies in the passenger footwell.

By A_Guy | 0

#400870 - Thursday 16 July 2009 10:27

Their is another FML just like this but with a fart